The party started as soon as I got home from rehearsal. In fact, a pair of girls were waiting on my steps when I got back. One had creamy skin and strawberry-blond hair, the other had skin and hair as dark as night. I didn’t know either of them, but they were obviously here for the party, so they must have gotten an invite from someone I knew.
“Ladies. You’re a bit early, so you’ll have to help me set up.” I’d stopped by the store on my way home and picked up supplies for my shindig. With a friendly smile, I offered each of the girls a six-pack of chick beer—wine coolers. They giggled, just like my date last night, and I figured I had a shot with both of them.
My place was packed by the time Denny got home. He looked around my house in amazement; none of these people had ever come by while he’d been here. But all the people I knew here were “party friends,” not friend-friends. I only ever talked to them when something was going down. With wide eyes, Denny walked into the living room after setting down his stuff upstairs. “Do you know all these people?” he asked me.
I glanced at the blonde gyrating in front of me. I still didn’t know her name. “Nope, but I’ll gladly kick them out the second you want me to. I don’t want to be a bother.” I’d done enough to be a “bother” to Denny. “Want a beer?” I asked, shifting my thoughts.
Denny smiled and shrugged. “Sure. Thanks, mate.”
Just then, my dark-haired lady friend leaned over my lap. After giving me a light kiss, she playfully asked, “Need anything, love?”
“Actually, yes. A beer for me and my friend would be great. Thank you.”
She laughed, then leaned in for a longer kiss; she tasted like whiskey. When she left me, I looked over at Denny. He was shaking his head in disbelief. “Do you at least know her?”
With a wide smile, I shook my head. “Nope.”
Denny rolled his eyes, then laughed. “Some things never change.”
I laughed with him, but a twinge of pain rippled around my insides. Everything has changed.
Denny and I talked, laughed, and joked around just like we used to. I asked him about his job, and he complained about his boss for a solid fifteen minutes. When he was done with his cathartic release, I said, “You know, I may not be able to get you a new job, but I bet I could get your boss removed. Maybe we could shame him into resigning? Griffin knows a few prostitutes…”
His eyes widened. “Griffin knows a few…” Shutting his mouth, he shook his head. “Yeah, that actually doesn’t surprise me.” Our beers arrived as we shared a laugh. Clinking bottles with me, he jokingly said, “Yes, let’s do this. Call Griffin, have him call his hookers, and we’ll blackmail Max. Just don’t tell Kiera…She wouldn’t approve of the prostitutes.”
Chuckling, I sipped my beer. “I think she’d approve of them more than she would Griffin.” Denny laughed so hard he snorted, and I swallowed the razorblade of pain and guilt that always sliced into me when I mentioned Kiera’s name around him. When he was calmly sipping his beer again, I stupidly asked, “How are you two, by the way?” And why was I opening a door into a painful conversation that would suck regardless of his answer? Because it was the only way back to normalcy, that was why.
Denny lowered his beer from his mouth. He gave me an odd, appraising look, even as he smiled. “We’re all right, I guess. Better than we’ve been in a while, anyway.”
I nodded, feeling reaffirmed that I was doing the right thing. The void I’d created by leaving Kiera alone was being filled by Denny, and that was the way it was supposed to be. And even though my insides were cold from the loss of her, it warmed me some that at least my relationship with Denny hadn’t changed much. He was still the same person he’d always been. Warm, friendly, considerate. A great friend. I was determined to be the friend he deserved to have.
I was feeling pretty good about life as the evening went on. My dark-haired date made herself comfortable on my lap and leaned in for a kiss. Even though she was completely wasted, I obliged her. Her level of sobriety didn’t bother me; she could be as drunk or as sober as she wanted to be. All I cared was that she was a distraction, and if I closed my eyes, I could imagine she was Kiera.
Maybe made uncomfortable by the girl’s exuberance, Denny got up from the couch. Someone instantly took his place, but I was too wrapped up in feminine attention to care who it was. Our kiss was getting pretty intense, and as I ran my hands up her thighs, Kiera’s body filled my mind. God, she had a great body. Trim and athletic, but still curvy in all the right places. Amazing.
The person who’d taken Denny’s spot on the couch bumped my shoulder in a clear indication that they wanted my attention. Pulling apart from the dark-haired girl, I looked over to see my strawberry-blond friend smiling at me. “Are you going to ignore me all night?” she asked; her voice had a sensuous teasing quality about it.
A smile broke out on my face as I ran my fingers through the hair of the girl sitting on my lap. “Of course not. Someone as pretty as you would be too hard to ignore for long.” Keeping my smile in place, I leaned over and pressed my lips to hers; she tasted like whiskey too. The girl on my lap did nothing to stop me. In fact, she stroked my sides and nestled even more into my lap. I knew with certainty that I’d be having both of them tonight.
After a few more moments of making out, the blonde shot to her feet. “I love this song!” she exclaimed, holding her hand out for me. My other date slid off my lap to sit where the blonde had been, and I stood up. I liked this song too, and dancing sounded like fun. A good precursor to my evening with Kiera…the way we danced together was unbelievable.
Reminiscing about dirty dancing with Kiera, I moved behind the blonde. She was grinding against my hips as I moved against her. Kiera…I love the way we move together. Feeling playful, I leaned down to her ear and said, “I like the way your body moves. I like the way you feel against me. I bet you’d feel even better naked.”
She moaned and sagged against me. Pleased with her reaction, I glanced up into the kitchen. My heart nearly stopped. The real Kiera was home, and she was watching me with narrowed eyes. Grief washed through me. My two dates, who I was so eager to turn into multiple versions of Kiera, were nothing like her. I’d hand them over in an instant to walk into that kitchen and take her hand. But I couldn’t. My fantasies, although they paled in comparison, were all I had left.
I forced myself to smile at Kiera, my roommate, and then gave her a brief nod of acknowledgment. Then I ignored her. I had to. The other girl came up behind me, turning me into a Kellan sandwich, and I let myself get lost in them. This was my distraction, the only thing that took the pain away, and I had to take it. Knowing Kiera was watching, I leaned back and gave the dark-haired girl a kiss. Kiera had to get used to this, just like I did.
The girls and I danced for several songs. People started leaving, and I made sure to say goodbye to each of them, but my main focus was my dates…and ignoring where Kiera was. She was just the person I lived with. I had to accept that.
Our dancing trio eventually moved back to the couch, and eventually picked up heat. As more people left the house, the three of us got friendlier. At one point, their wandering lips turned toward each other. I took that as a sign that we were all ready for this to happen. Just when I was thinking of moving this private party upstairs, I happened to catch sight of Kiera dragging Denny away. She looked pissed, or hurt. Was this too much for her? Because this was what I was, and how I coped, and…it was all I had right now. I didn’t want to hurt her, but I needed this release.
While my dates made out with each other, I pulled my gaze away from where Kiera had disappeared. I needed to focus on this, not worry about her. The blonde broke away from the other girl and returned to me. I kissed her eagerly, but in my mind, I was touching Kiera.
With forced playfulness, I led the girls upstairs and into my room. The dark-haired girl stripped off my shirt while the blonde ran her fingers down my back. “Damn, you’re hot,” she said.
The other girl heartily agreed. She unbuttoned my jeans and palmed me as she growled, “I can’t wait to have you in me.”
The blonde giggled, then added, “I can’t wait to have you lick me. All over. I’ll be your dessert.”
The dark-haired girl looked over to her friend. “Great idea!” She returned her eyes to mine. “Do you have any whipped cream?”
I wanted to sigh, but I smiled instead. “Yeah. I’ll be right back.”
It was hard to picture Kiera with the way they talked, and it was difficult with two of them, but I was sure I could do it. I could clear my mind and feel a moment of connection with the love of my life…even if it was a fake one. Closing my door behind me, I tiptoed down the stairs and into the kitchen. Someone was still in there. Kiera. Her head was down and her back was to me; she appeared to be crying. She wasn’t okay.
“Kiera?”
I saw her shoulders slump. She hadn’t wanted me to find her like this. “What, Kellan?”
“Are you okay?” I asked, already knowing the answer.
She spun around to face me, then she stopped and stared. Her eyes glistened as she swallowed a lump in her throat. “What are you doing down here?” she asked, anger in her voice. “Shouldn’t you be…entertaining?”
Feeling stupid, I pointed at the fridge, then opened it and found the can of whipped cream. “The girls wanted…” It was obvious what they wanted, so I left it at that. Kiera looked mortified by my actions, and I supposed they were horrifying from her perspective. I should explain myself, but how? The truth was too much for me to say; a lie…too little.
With a loud exhale, Kiera rolled her eyes and looked away. Then she closed them, and I could tell she was fighting back tears born from multiple confusing, conflicting emotions. “Kiera…” Her name came out like a caress, and I had to pause to collect myself. When she looked at me, I continued. “This is who I am. Before you got here…this is me.” Once upon a time this was me, but I’m different now…because I love you…but it does no good to tell you that, so I won’t. I pointed upstairs to Denny, the man she should be with. “That, that is you. This is how it’s supposed to be…”
The desire to hold her overcame me, and I took a step. But then I stopped myself. If I caved now, if I touched her, we’d go back to that cycle of pain that had brought us to this point in the first place. No, I needed to keep the space between us. I needed to go upstairs and leave her. No good would come out of prolonging this agony.
I turned around to leave her, but stopped at the door. “Good night, Kiera,” I whispered, then I left before she could respond. There was nothing to say anyway. As quickly as I could, I rejoined the two girls waiting for me in my room, and I made a promise to myself that I would not cry out Kiera’s name. Not out loud anyway.