Days went by…they felt like years. I thought things with Kiera would eventually get easier. I thought that after a while, it wouldn’t kill me to be around her but not touch her. I thought I would be fine seeing her loving relationship with Denny. I thought wrong. Every day my chest hurt, it was hard to breathe, and I felt like my head was imploding. I avoided Kiera at all costs. I made sure we were never alone together, and I made sure I never touched her. I spent all day in a fog of loneliness, wishing things were different, and I spent every night staring at my ceiling, willing myself to move on. But every morning when I woke up, the pain started over. I couldn’t let what we had go, and nothing was getting better.
Whenever I was around Kiera, I watched her relentlessly. I ached with the need to touch her, and when I looked into her eyes, I saw the same need reflected back at me. Regardless of her heart, she wanted to be in my arms. But she needed to forget about what we’d had, and I needed to forget about how much I loved her. Things needed to change, for both our sakes.
Oddly, I found something at Pete’s that I thought might help, but it wasn’t alcohol. There was a girl at a table who could have been Kiera’s twin, and I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was so similar…it would be so easy to pretend…and pretending would help me survive this grief.
I could do this. I was good at this. It would block the pain…and that was all that mattered.
After a brief conversation and lots of playful flirting, I took the pseudo-Kiera home with me. Stepping into my house, I was bombarded by the familiar scent of the real Kiera. I closed my eyes for a second, wondering if I could go through with this. I have to. I have to move on. After the girl shut my front door, I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the kitchen. I needed a drink.
“Want anything?” I asked her as I opened the fridge and looked around for some beer.
She came up behind me. Leaning in, she sucked on my earlobe, then whispered, “I want you.”
My mouth dropped open, and my eyes fluttered closed. Her low, husky voice made it so easy to picture Kiera. Yes…this was exactly what I needed. Keeping my eyes shut, I closed the fridge and pressed her against it. An erotic moan escaped her lips…Kiera’s lips. Needing her, needing this, I found her mouth. God Kiera, I’ve missed you.
Our mouths moved together frantically, and a groan escaped me. Kiera…yes. I felt her tongue brush mine, and all the pain of our separation left me. We were together again. I could have her, night after night, with no guilt. Everything was fine. Everything was good again.
She wrapped her leg around my body, and I ran my hand up her skirt. Fuck, yes. I’ve missed this, Kiera. I’ve missed you. My body was aching in a different way now. I needed her, I needed to be inside her. I needed to hear her cry out. I needed to feel that connection between us.
Just as I was about to beg her to come upstairs with me, my fantasy crumbled. I heard soft footsteps entering the kitchen, and I knew the real Kiera had just found me. Looking toward the door, I saw that I was right. Kiera was standing in the grayness of the entryway, her eyes wide with shock. Fuck. No. I hadn’t wanted her to see this, to see my desperation, but…I guess she should know that I was moving on. Or trying to. Maybe if she saw me moving forward with other people, she’d stop looking at me with those hazel eyes full of longing. I couldn’t resist the longing. I couldn’t resist her. I needed a distraction; surely she understood that.
My date hadn’t noticed Kiera. She was kissing my neck, stroking my cock through my jeans. A look of horror passed over Kiera as she understood what she was seeing. I’m sorry. I need you…and this is the only way I can be with you now.
I knew I couldn’t turn and leave Kiera without an explanation, and I also knew I couldn’t give one with my date present. Turning back to the girl, I cooed, “Sweetheart…Could you wait upstairs for me? I need to speak with my roommate.” She nodded and I gave her a kiss.
Breaking away, I told her, “The one on the right. I’ll be up in a second.” She giggled, and I contained a sigh. This wasn’t what I wanted.
Silence fell over the kitchen as I watched the girl leave. I didn’t know what to say to Kiera. Did I really need to explain myself? Oddly, I did need to.
To break the tension, I made a joke. An admittedly bad one, but I found the imagery funny, and I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. “Do you think Denny would be intrigued or upset if she opened the wrong door?”
Kiera looked like she wanted to throw up. I hated seeing that expression on her, but this was for the best. For everyone. I turned to face her, to face what I could never have. Sadness threatened to overwhelm me as I stared at her. She was breathtaking in the near-darkness, a level of perfection that my fake Kiera upstairs could never come close to. I would give anything to tell that girl to leave, so that this Kiera could take her place…but that wasn’t my reality. I needed to do the right thing and set us both on the paths that would forever lead us away from each other.
“You said before that you wanted to know when I was…seeing someone. Well…I guess I’m seeing someone.” Someone who I’m only interested in because she reminds me of you. Because I can’t get over you, but I have to. “I’m going to date. I told you I wouldn’t keep it a secret from you, so…I’m going upstairs now, and—”
She made a face that clearly said I don’t want to hear this, and I stopped where I was going with that. She knew what was about to happen in my room. She didn’t need me glorifying any of it for her. I felt sick as I watched the conflicting emotions alter her expression. I don’t want this…I want you. “I said I wouldn’t hide it. I’m not. Full disclosure, right?”
I suddenly wanted her approval to do this. I wanted her to tell me it was okay, that I wasn’t cheating on her, that I wasn’t hurting her. That she wanted me to find happiness, even if it was in someone else’s arms. If she was okay with this, then maybe I would be too. Maybe I could go upstairs and have sex with that woman…and not make her Kiera in my mind.
Anger darkened Kiera’s features. As if she could sense my need for her acceptance, and she was in no way going to give it, she spat out, “Do you even know her name?”
Disappointment washed through me, followed strangely by relief. If she was okay with this, then she really didn’t give a shit about me. Her voice was full of condemnation though, and she had no right to judge me over needing something to help me get over her. No right at all. “No, I don’t need to, Kiera.” All I need is for her to remind me of you. That’s it. Kiera’s expression turned even icier, and I inadvertently spoke my thoughts. “Don’t judge me…and I won’t judge you.”
Angry, hurt, and feeling a mound of guilt over what I was about to do, I stormed out of the room. She had no right to make me feel like shit about this. I needed to get over her, I needed something to block the pain. This was the only course of action that she’d left me with.
I jerked my door open when I got to my room. My date was sprawled on top of my bed, completely naked. “I’m ready for you, Kellan,” she purred, running a hand down her body.
I shut my door, then started stripping off my clothes. I’m ready for you too…Kiera.
Fifteen minutes later I was plunging inside of my date. I kept trying to hold on to the image of Kiera, but the girl I was with cried out in theatrical ways that were nothing like Kiera. It was almost as if my date was trying to wake the neighborhood. And even as my climax started building, I saw Kiera’s horrified expression. My date hit her peak with an explosion of loud expletives. I couldn’t come with her, I wasn’t ready.
Blocking everything from my mind, I remembered making love to Kiera. The way she held me, the way she touched me. The way her moans were light in my ear. Powerful. Listening to Kiera’s climax usually brought on my own. I imagined that sound as I rocked into the girl beneath me.
Kiera’s voice filled my mind. Oh God, Kellan…yes. Yes…
I cringed in ecstasy as I felt the tension building. “Yes…Kiera, God yes…Kiera…” I felt the apex coming faster and faster. I clasped Kiera’s hand, needing her to guide me through it. “Yes,” I moaned in her ear. “Kiera…God, yes…”
Kiera shifted beneath me, but my free hand reached down to steady her hips. “Don’t leave me, Kiera…stay with me…help me…love me…” I was murmuring nonsense now, but my climax was so close I didn’t care. I gasped as I came, and in my mind, I shouted Kiera’s name.
After the shuddering waves of bliss left me, I slumped against Kiera. She was tense below me, not nearly as relaxed as I was…and that’s when I remembered that I wasn’t actually with Kiera. My date’s voice was cold as ice when she spoke. “Who…the fuck…is Kiera?”
I pulled away from her and started panicking. The only thing I could think to say was, “I thought you said your name was…”
She shoved me away from her. “No, my name is Trina, asshole.” Standing, she tossed on clothes as she spotted them.
I gritted my teeth. Smooth. “Sorry.” Did she ever even tell me her name?
It didn’t matter. I’d said another girl’s name in bed…repeatedly. There was no way to recover from that. Sitting up, I tried to make a peace offering. “Want me to drive you back to your car?”
She glared at me as she put her top back on. “I’ll call a cab. You just stay here and get your rocks off on this Kiera chick. Fucker.”
She grabbed the rest of her things, then stormed out of my room. Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and at least thanked fate that she wasn’t a door slammer. Maybe Denny and Kiera were sleeping and hadn’t heard her. God…I hoped they hadn’t heard her. Or me. Fuck. I needed to be more careful.
Putting aside the guilt and awkwardness though, my date had actually managed to make me feel a little better. It wasn’t a permanent solution to my problem, but it was certainly a start. Maybe if I distracted myself with enough women, I’d actually forget all about Kiera. Doubtful, but I had to try.
I slept a little easier than I had in a while. It might not be a good plan, but at least I had one now. That was something.
I debated how to line up more dates while I watched TV the next morning. I didn’t want to be alone. My mind spun and Kiera was on constant repeat when I was alone. I thought about what I used to do before Kiera entered my life. I’d had no problems getting girls then. Honestly, I still didn’t, as last night proved, but I wanted to take a more proactive approach to dating. Maybe I’d throw a party? Sure, why not. I couldn’t do that without clearing it first though. Kiera would probably see right through my lame attempts to get over her, but I had to do what I had to do.
Denny and Kiera came down the stairs together, which was kind of unusual. They were already getting closer again. Yet another positive side effect of what I was doing. Turning off the TV, I joined them in the kitchen and prepared myself to ask them a question that shouldn’t be a big deal, but sort of felt like a big deal.
They both looked over at me when I entered the room. Kiera looked worn, like she hadn’t slept at all. God, I hoped she hadn’t heard anything last night. Especially me. “Mornin’.” I knew Denny wouldn’t have an issue with my question, so I aimed it at him first. I’m such a chickenshit. “I was thinking of having a couple of friends over tonight. Would you be okay with that?”
Smiling, Denny clapped me on the shoulder. “Sure, mate, whatever…it’s your place.”
I looked over at Kiera. She seemed really down. I needed to know if she was all right. If my…dating…was all right. Sadly, I still needed her approval. “Are you okay…with that?”
Her cheeks filled with color and she averted her eyes. She understood my real question then. Good. I held my breath, wondering if she’d say no, if she’d make a scene right in front of Denny. “Sure…whatever.” So there it was…my meager approval. I guess it was as much as I could hope for.
And who knows, maybe a party could bring us all back together. Maybe this was exactly what we needed.