Was she joking? She was the one who teased me on a near-constant basis. Just the way she looked at me would be enough to have most men begging on their knees. And the way she kissed me was an invitation for sex in most men’s books.
“You’re the one who—”
I stopped myself in the nick of time. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing just what she did to me. How much I wanted her. How much I fucking loved her. How much it fucking hurt that I would never be good enough for her. How much I wished I didn’t give a shit about her. How much it killed me when she brought me to the brink. How much I wished we hadn’t stopped tonight.
“The one who what?” she yelled into the sudden silence.
I looked back at her. Really? She just couldn’t let anything go, could she? I was trying to not go off on her, but I couldn’t hold my tongue another fucking minute. If she wanted the truth, then fine, I would give her the fucking truth, in the simplest, crudest way I could give it to her. Maybe then she’d fucking understand just how not-innocent her innocent flirting was.
I gave her a smile as dark as my shattered heart. “Do you really want to know what I’m thinking right now?” I took a step toward her; she backed away. “I’m thinking…that you…are a fucking tease, and I should have just fucked you anyway!”
Pure venom running through my veins, I took another step, putting me toe-to-toe with her. I could grab her, shove her into the car, and finish this, right now. Knowing I should step away and calm down, but also knowing it was too late, words left my mouth that I instantly regretted. “I should fuck you right now, like the whore you really—”
Her hand connected with my cheek before the words finished leaving my foul mouth. The hit was twice as hard as her earlier smack; I was sure I had red marks. I was really tired of being fucking hit! I shoved her against the car. “You started this. All of this! Where did you think our ‘innocent’ flirting was heading? How long did you think you could lead me on?” I cinched my fingers around her arm; I wasn’t even conscious of what I was saying anymore. “Do I still…torment you? Do you still want me?”
Tears streamed down her cheeks as she answered my question. “No…now I really do hate you!”
I felt like she’d reached inside and hollowed out my soul. Only residual anger kept me standing. “Good! Then get in the fucking car!”
Not knowing what the fuck I was doing, I shoved her into the open car door. When her feet were clear, I slammed the door shut. I wanted to open it again and slam it even harder, but I couldn’t function enough to do that. Oh God. What the fuck did I just do? Why the fuck would I say those things to her? And her face…genuine hatred had been on her face. And now she was crying. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had just fucked everything. It was bad before, but now…I’d burned a bridge, I knew it. Jesus Christ. I’d just lost her forever.
I paced in front of my car. What do I do now? What the fuck do I do now? How the fuck do I take that back? How do I fix this? Can I fix this?
Not knowing what else to do, I stalked over to the driver’s-side door. If I’d just gone to my side in the first place, none of this would have happened. If I’d left her alone at the club, none of this would have happened. If I’d left Seattle, none of this would have happened.
Irritated, frustrated, scared, I got in the car and slammed my door shut. The silence in the car was oppressive. The very air between us was different. Everything was different now, because of my big fucking mouth. “Damn it!” I snapped, slamming my hand on the wheel. It was never supposed to be this way. “Damn it, damn it, damn it, Kiera.”
I beat the shit out of my steering wheel, then lowered my head to the tight leather. “Damn it, I never should have stayed here…”
When I lifted my head, I felt empty, alone, and freezing cold. I pinched the bridge of my nose to try to relieve the pressure headache that was building, but nothing was helping. I was fucked. And alone. Completely alone. Again.
Needing warmth, needing escape, I started the car and turned up the heater. I couldn’t leave this godforsaken place until I apologized. I had to at least try to right the wrong. While she cried beside me, I told her, “I’m sorry, Kiera. I shouldn’t have said that to you. None of that should have happened.”
She didn’t say anything, only kept crying. I sighed. This wasn’t what I wanted tonight. This wasn’t why I followed her. I just…wanted to help her. I just wanted to return her stuff and give her a ride home so I’d know she was safe. I just wanted her safe. And happy.
Seeing her shivering, I reached behind me and grabbed her jacket from the backseat. My jacket was back there too, but I didn’t want it. I deserved to be cold.
I quietly handed it to her and she quietly put it on. There were no words left to say. We were as done as two people could possibly be. She was as unobtainable to me now as my dead parents, her love just as unreachable. But this time, I deserved it. I was a bastard, in every sense of the word. She was better off without me.
As I drove her home in silence, despair washed over me. I’d touched love with her, I was certain of it. Maybe temporarily, or maybe just a friendship kind of love. I wasn’t sure. But whatever it was that she’d been giving to me, it had been the best thing I’d ever felt in my entire life. And it was gone now. I’d never know it again. I was going to be alone, never knowing that kind of comfort again. And now that I’d had it, I couldn’t go back to not having it. The ache would kill me now more than ever. How did I live without love now? How did I live without her?
I could feel the breakdown coming as we pulled up to the house—my empty, meaningless house, where nothing of me existed until she put it there. I shut the car off and immediately got out. I didn’t want her to see me fall apart. And I was going to fall apart…it was coming. I was a heartbeat away from sobbing.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I unlocked the front door. My throat hitched as I walked into the entryway. I held it in as I sprinted up the stairs. Not yet. Don’t lose it yet. I closed my door behind me and paused with my hand on the wood, then I let go of my hold on the wall of crushing grief and let the sob escape me. Walking backward, I collapsed onto my bed. Bringing my dirty shoes onto the mattress, I cried into my knees.
Friend. Lover. Companion. Family. Whatever she could have been to me…I’d just lost her for the rest of my life. I had no idea how I would go on from here.
I heard the door open, but I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. She’d obviously already heard them anyway. Kiera sat beside me, but I didn’t move. I couldn’t. All I could do was cry, cry for everything I’d lost, and for everything I’d never had. I was alone. Forsaken. Unlovable. I couldn’t even comprehend why she was sitting next to me.
And then, beyond all expectation, hope, or reason, Kiera put her arm around my shoulder. Her simple act of comfort broke me. I can’t lose her. Please, God, don’t let me lose her. I need her. I’ll do anything. We’ll end this charade, we’ll go back to being purely just friends. Just don’t take her away from me tonight.
A pain-filled sob escaped me as I wrapped my arms around her and laid my head on her lap. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. The final remnants of my emotional sanity vanished as I completely lost control and bawled. It felt like hours. I emotionally released everything built up inside of me, from the pain of not having Kiera’s love to the pain of never having my parents’. I cried for hurting Kiera. I cried for betraying Denny. I cried for my nonexistent childhood. I even cried for the mountain of meaningless encounters I’d had over my lifetime, because meaningless encounters were probably all I would ever have now.
Kiera didn’t run away from my breakdown. She held me, cradled me, rubbed my back, even pulled a blanket over my shivering body and used her heat to warm me. I’d never felt so much love and comfort from another human being. Ever. Her tenderness eventually eased my sorrow, dried my tears. In a silence that was once again comforting, she held me, gently rocking me like I suppose most mothers would rock their troubled children. I wouldn’t know. My mother never had. Nobody ever had. It soothed me, and I felt sleep rushing in to fill the void left by my explosion of pain.
As I lingered in a state somewhere between awake and asleep, I started to dream. In my dream, Kiera was leaving me. I reached out for her, told her, “No,” but…she still left me. In the end, she still left me.