Chapter 23
Fantasy Is Better Than Nothing
My vision was hazy, the lights in the room too bright, but through the disorientation, I saw my father standing beside the bed. His mouth was twisted in displeasure, like it usually was. “Wake up, lazy ass. We’re not raising you to be slothful.”
I looked to the window and it was still pitch-black outside. The sun wasn’t even up yet. “It’s barely morning…” I mumbled.
My dad shook his head. “You were supposed to be up an hour ago, starting your chores, but look at you, wasting away the day…pathetic,” he told me in a condescending voice that I knew all too well.
Beside him, my mother was watching me with impassive eyes. “Why do you make everything so difficult, Kellan? We don’t expect very much from you, but you still never fail to let us down.” Her lip twisted with disappointment. I was all too familiar with that too.
My father sighed and I swung my eyes back to him. “I’ve already accepted that you won’t ever amount to much in life, but did you honestly think you’d be good enough for her, Kellan?”
I woke up with a start, panting, my heart racing. I scanned my room, trying to understand where I was, what was happening. I had a headache, a stomachache, and a sore throat. For a confused second, I thought my parents really were in my room with me, belittling me. I even looked around for them. But then I remembered last night, remembered the rain, remembered yelling at Kiera, remembered crying in her arms. I closed my eyes as the grief swept over me. Damn it. For once, I wished my nightmare was the reality, and my reality was the dream.
I’d called Kiera a whore. I’d considered screwing her in my car, whether she’d wanted it or not. God. I felt like I was going to throw up. My parents were right. I could never have her, because I didn’t deserve her.
I was still dressed in the clothes I’d been wearing last night, and Kiera was gone. I wasn’t too surprised about that. It wasn’t as if she could stay and comfort me all night. My boots were still on, and my bed was filthy. I felt filthy, but I didn’t want to change. Not yet. I needed to talk to Kiera. I needed to apologize for last night. I needed to clear the air between us, tell her the truth about her sister, beg for her forgiveness.
You’re not good enough for her…
No, I supposed I wouldn’t ever be good enough for her, but I could at least stop hurting her. I could end this. I could let her go. What happened last night would never happen again. I wouldn’t let it.
By the time I got my bereaved body out of bed, Kiera was already in the kitchen. Like she usually was when we had coffee, she was still dressed in her pajamas. She looked worn; last night had been hard for her too.
I stopped in the doorway, and Kiera looked me over with questioning eyes, like she wasn’t sure how I’d treat her this morning. I didn’t blame her for not knowing. She’d once teasingly called me moody, and on more than one occasion I’d proven her right. When it came to her, I was moody. This was just so difficult…Why did I have to love her so much?
With a heavy sigh, I joined her at the coffeepot. I needed to get this over with before I changed my mind. I held my hands up, showing her I was unarmed, physically and emotionally. “Truce?”
“Truce,” she agreed, nodding.
Leaning back against the counter, I tucked my hands behind me. I didn’t want to be tempted to touch her. I couldn’t meet her eyes, and I stared at the floor. “Thank you…for staying with me last night.”
“Kellan—”
She started to interrupt me, but I didn’t let her. “I shouldn’t have said what I did; that’s not who you are. I’m sorry if I scared you. I was so angry, but I wouldn’t ever hurt you, Kiera…not intentionally.” Finding strength in my admission, I raised my eyes to hers. “I was way out of line. I never should have put you in that position. You’re not…You are in no way a…a whore.” I looked away when I said that last part. God, I was a dick for calling her that.
“Kellan—”
Needing to finish my thought before all my courage left me, I cut her off again. “I never would have…I wouldn’t ever force you, Kiera. That’s not…I’m not…” I stopped my nonsensical jabbering and stared at the floor. Why did words fail me when I needed them the most?
Kiera’s soft voice filled the emptiness between us. “I know you wouldn’t.” She was quiet a second, then she added, “I’m sorry. You were right. I…I led you on.” Grabbing my cheek, she made me look at her. “I’m sorry for all of it, Kellan.”
She was taking too much of the blame. It wasn’t her fault that I’d lost control. It wasn’t her fault that I’d turned into a raging asshole. “No…I was just mad. I was wrong. You didn’t do anything. You don’t need to apologize for—”
Her voice was low as she spoke over me. “Yes, I do. We both know I did just as much as you. I went just as far as you did.”
No, she didn’t. She had told me over and over that she didn’t want me. I’d just refused to listen. “You clearly told me no…repeatedly. I didn’t listen…repeatedly.” I pulled her hand away from my face with a heart-filled exhale. I didn’t deserve her kindness. “I was horrible. I went too far, much too far.” Disgusted with myself, I ran a hand down my face. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”
Stubborn as always, Kiera continued disagreeing with me. “Kellan…no, I wasn’t being clear. I sent mixed signals.”
Disbelieving her objection, I pointedly raised an eyebrow. “‘No’ is pretty clear, Kiera. ‘Stop’ is pretty damn clear.”
“You’re not a monster, Kellan. You never would have—”
Remembering this conversation from our earlier failed attempt to sleep in the same room together, I beat her to the punch. “I’m no angel either, Kiera…remember? And you have no idea what I’m capable of.” Just look what I did to my best friend. I’m a disappointment. I’m worthless. I’m nothing. You deserve so much more.
Kiera pursed her lips, unconvinced. “We both messed up, Kellan.” Reaching out, she touched my cheek; her fingers on my skin seared me. “But you would never force yourself on me.”
No. I wouldn’t. No matter how much I wanted you, if you didn’t want me…I’d leave you alone. You’re everything to me.
Not able to say that to her, I pulled her in for a hug instead. Kiera wrapped her arms around my neck, and for a brief moment, we felt like how we used to be. It reminded me of how far we’d come, and how much had changed. As nice as it felt to hold her, it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t a good idea. Space was what we needed. Distance was good.
“You were right. We have to end this, Kiera.” It killed me to say it, but I knew now that it was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. I wanted something from her that she couldn’t give me. It was time I respected her choice.
I pulled back to look at her and saw tears on her cheeks. I gently brushed them away. She shouldn’t cry; I wasn’t worth her tears. Cupping her face, I stroked her cheek with my thumb. I’d known from the beginning our friendly flirting wouldn’t work, I’d just wanted her so badly…it had seemed better than letting her go.
Kiera’s watery eyes locked onto mine as she whispered, “I know.” She closed her eyes and more tears squeezed out. It was so hard to see her in pain. It was even harder to know I was the source of it. I was tormenting her, she said so herself. And she was tormenting me. We were toxic, and we were slowly killing each other.
It was wrong of me, but I couldn’t walk away from her without one last kiss. I needed to feel her sweetness one last time, needed to securely lock it into my memory so I could retrieve it during the dark times, when I was cold and alone. Expecting her to push me away, I softly brushed my lips to hers. She didn’t shy from me though; she pulled me tighter. Her lips were eager, but I kept the rhythm soft and tender, and her lips eased to match mine. I poured every ounce of love I felt into our intimate moment. Without having to say it, I wanted her to know—I love you, more than anything.
I could have kissed her all morning, but I knew it was time to stop. Removing my fingers from her cheek, I ran them down her hair, and then down her back. “You were right. You made your choice. I still want you,” I growled, pulling her into me. “But not while you’re his. Not like this, not like last night.” With a wistful sigh, I loosened my hold on her.
Her eyes were brimming with new tears, and I could feel mine stinging in response. Saying goodbye was so hard. “This is over,” I said, running my finger across her partly opened lips. Her tears splashed onto her cheeks, and I let out a heavy exhale. I wish I didn’t have to do this…
“I don’t seem to be very good at leaving you alone.” I dropped my hand from her skin and kept it rigid at my side. Determination filled me as I swallowed a lump of pain in my throat. “I won’t let last night happen again. I won’t touch you again. This time…I promise.”
Needing to leave, I turned and walked away from her. My dream suddenly struck me and I paused in the doorway. You’re not good enough for her…
Before my interference, Denny and Kiera had had a consistent, comforting peace, while Kiera and I seemed to only have turbulent turmoil. Hopefully I hadn’t messed them up too much. Hopefully they could work through their issues and reconnect. “You and Denny are good together. You should stay with him.”
Waves of jealousy and despair crept up on me, and I stared at the floor, hoping they would pass. They didn’t. I wasn’t sure how I could do this, how I could let the only person who had ever shown me an ounce of tenderness go. I loved her so much, I had no choice but to release her. But not completely. I decided right then and there that I wouldn’t tell her the truth about Anna. She would feel a spark of jealousy over that deception, and I would feel a spark of jealousy over her relationship with Denny. In that trivial way, we’d still be connected. Until either Anna or Griffin finally told her the truth. Then even that would be gone, but maybe that was for the best.
A tear I couldn’t hold back fell onto my cheek as I looked up at her. “I’ll make this right. It will be like it should be.” I won’t go near you again. I won’t bother you again. I won’t touch you again. And maybe one day, I’ll actually get over you.