“Come on. It’s gonna be fine. We just need to talk, ok?”
“Ok.” I frowned at his sweet face.
Jess carried me back out of the water, right side up this time until he dropped me in a disgraceful plop on the shore. The air felt chilly after leaving the protection of the ocean. It was strange to think I felt safer in the deep, tangled seaweed than talking on the wide open beach. Jess collapsed on his back in the sand next to me. I smiled a sad grin. I missed him already.
“I’m leaving after graduation, Jess.”
The only sound came from the waves hitting shore. I tilted my head sideways when he didn't respond. The tight muscles of his jaw glinted in the silver moonlight.
“Jess…say something.”
“When?”
“June. I didn’t know how to tell you.” My chest hurt as I spoke the words. I didn’t know how to explain why I had to leave him.
“Where are you goin’?”
“Paris.”
“How long you gonna be there.”
“I…I…don’t know. It’s not a summer thing. I’m moving there.”
“I see.”
He rubbed the sand off his cheeks and then pushed the damp hair off his forehead. I watched in fear that another word from my lips would just twist the knife further in his heart. “Jess?”
“I’m sorry. You shocked the crap out of me. I wasn’t expectin’ you to say that tonight. I guess I thought you were stayin’ in Austin.”
“I know. I’m still in a little shock myself.”
“So you gonna tell me what you’re doin’ in Paris?”
“Oh, well I got into a program with the Paris School of Art. It was my professor, Mr. Lynch’s idea. He helped me put a portfolio together. I didn’t even know what to do. I had to get, um, recommendations and stuff.” I fumbled, remembering everything I had gathered from the show I won in Dallas and the other in Houston. Those were competitions I entered after breaking the record at Gallery 51 by winning four times in a row.
“You’re just takin’ a few classes then?”
“No, I got a job too. Everything just sort of fell into place. Lynch has a connection. I’m working at this little gallery not far from campus. His friend Margarette is nice. I’ve talked to her several times already. She helped me find an apartment.”
“You already have an apartment? Does your Dad know?”
“No. I wanted to tell you first.”
He turned his head to look at me. His eyes reflected the pain he felt deep inside. “I wish you’d told me before now.”
“I’m sorry. I know this hurts you. I know even though Sadie thinks I don’t.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. The more I talked, the more I felt like I was describing my betrayal; all the hours I put into the application process; all the hours I kept from him. In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would actually get accepted and have it completely paid for on my own merit.
“You’re not hurtin’ me by wantin’ to go to Paris. You’ve wanted this for years. You bought that poster at the school book fair. Wasn’t that in seventh grade? I’d never seen you that excited before. And you’re the only person in the history of Arlis who took French. Mother made the school get you that fancy teacher on the video satellite just so you could learn it. You’ve always wanted this, Al.”
“I know but I’m scared Jess. I’m scared of wanting something this big and actually getting it. We both know what happened the last time I left. I screwed up everything for myself and…I screwed it up with you.”
“You’re not the same person. And we’re not the same either. It’s different for us now. We’ll be fine. We’ll talk. You’ll come home for Christmas. Probably with some French guy with a stupid name like Jean Pierre. I’ll hate him of course, but we’ll be fine.”
“You think I’ll meet someone named Jean Pierre? Really?”
“And I’ll be stuck in Arlis. Maybe I should see if Ashley’s back in town. Maybe it’s time we became friends again.”
“Asshole!” I wacked his arm. “If you hook up with Ashley again, I’ll spend every dime I have to fly back over here, just to slap the crazy out of you in person.”
“See,” he chuckled. “We’ll be fine.”
“I guess.”
“Just don’t get all worked up. We’re gonna be ok.” He reached over taking my hand, linking our fingers together. With his thumb, Jess traced circles over my wrist that had the tattoo inked into my skin. I still hated that permanent reminder. He never would say it, but he must have hated it too.
“How will it be different?”
“Because you’re not that same girl tryin’ to run away from everythin’. And well because…I’m lettin’ you go.”
I was torn, hearing those words spoken out loud; the finality of the meaning. Our hands remained clutched together as we lay side by side, staring up at the dark sky. I looked over at him, but Jess didn’t look back.
“I’m sorry, Jess,” I whispered.
“Don’t apologize for wantin’ to do somethin’ with your life. I’m not mad at you. I understand. I really do. So I have to let you go.”
“But I know I’m hurting you. I swore I would never do it again.” I fought the tears swelling up.
He looked at me with sad eyes. “We grew up. It was bound to happen one day. I think I always knew you weren’t comin’ back to Sprayberry. I knew you’d go somewhere else without me.”
“I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”
“Al, you’ll always be my best friend.” He smiled sadly. “That’s the thing with us. No matter what else I might have felt for you, I’ll always be here as your friend. So go have your dream. Be the girl in the poster and don’t let anythin’ here hold you back. Live every damn minute of it. I want you to be happy. It’s all I ever really wanted.”
A tear fell down my check. “Jess, I want you to be happy too.”
“I will. And no matter where you go, you’ll always have a home at Sprayberry. You’ll see me every time you come visit your Dad.”
“Huh?”
“Shit! That slipped out. He wanted to wait to tell you himself.”
“Who tell me what?”
“Your Dad owns the farmhouse now.”
“What! How?” I dropped his hand and sat up. My mind scrambled to process what he was saying to me.
“I meant that as a good thing. Don’t get mad.”
“What did they do?”
“They? It was my idea. Crap. I shouldn’t have said anythin’. Your Dad was gonna tell you when we got back.”
“What did you do?”
“He was talkin’ to me back in January. He and Caroline were thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ their own place. The farmhouse was my idea. I don’t think he could afford to buy much anyway. He’s only been payin’ a hundred a month since you moved in.”
“No.” I shook my head. “He’s been paying more than that. I know he has.”
“Alex, he works at a hardware store in Arlis. He had bills and debt too.”
“So you just fixed it!”
“I think this should’ve happened a long time ago. Your Dad tried to work out some payment plan but I wouldn’t let him. It just wouldn’t have been right. So we signed over the house and thirty acres. I tried to get him to take more land but your Dad fought me on that one.”
“How could you do something like this!”
“Well, with Frank not bein’ quite right anymore, I can do just ‘bout anythin’ I want at Sprayberry. There was some legal shit involved, but I have control of his half and I inherit the whole place when he actually dies anyway. So I can give…”
“No…that’s not…what the hell have you done! You gave the farmhouse and part of Sprayberry to my father! How could you do this without saying anything to me! No one told me a damn thing about it! No one asked me!”
“Alex, please…don’t get upset. I thought you’d be happy.”