“No, I haven’t.” He said it wasn’t possible to erase the past, but there he sat, offering me the impossible. His blue eyes spoke back without a hint of mockery.
Jess pushed my shirt slowly off my shoulders and down my arms. The gray plaid fell somewhere on the dark porch. I didn’t know. I didn’t care. It didn’t matter when those lips kept moving on my skin; his hot breath touching me everywhere.
He reached behind my back and worked the hooks on my bra. As his slipped the gray straps down my shoulders, Jess looked into my eyes. I felt nervous as Jess saw me for the first time. His sweet face smiled at me. “You’re really beautiful, Al.”
I closed my eyes as he kissed down the front of my bare chest. I sucked in a deep breath. I needed him. I needed him like I needed air. I needed him in a way I had never needed him before.
“Stay with me tonight,” he whispered into my neck. “I want to keep touchin’ you. All of you. I want it so damn much. I want to know what it feels like to be inside of you. I want to see the look on your face when it happens. I want to know just once, what it feels like to be us. Really us.”
I stilled at the thought. I was scared. I was scared to say it. I was scared to hear it out loud. I was scared to think about how it would change things. I looked back into his eyes. Those damn blue eyes. Our paths were officially going in separate directions. I could give Jess one night; a stolen moment during spring break.
“Yes.” I whispered. He stared back at me stunned. I don’t think Jess ever thought I would agree. My heart pounded in my chest. This was really happening. I bit down hard on my bottom lip, trying to calm down.
“Are you ok?”
“I’m just…I.” I smiled, feeling nervous as I looked at his sweet face.
“It’s ok.” Jess whispered, taking my hand and placing it on his chest. His heart beat as fast as mine. “I know I asked, but I only want this if you’re sure, Al.”
I nodded.
“Ok.” Jess grinned, looking as nervous as me. He leaned over, grabbing my shirt off the ground. I slipped my arms inside, holding it shut over my bare chest. Crawling off his lap, I followed Jess across the deck with my bra in my hand. Before opening the door, he kissed me slowly, pushing my back against the side of the house. His hands slipped under my shirt, moving across my naked skin. He pulled back and kissed me on the nose.
“You ready.”
“Yeah.”
We stumbled into the house, trying to be quiet so the other house guests would not interrupt this terrible idea. Jess opened the door to his bedroom and pulled me inside. The door shut with a tiny click of a lock. This time around, no one would see except the only person who mattered.
I woke to the sound of rugged breathing. Each exhale of warm air floated in small tingles across my neck. Pieces of silver moonlight peeked in the window, illuminating the heavy body tucked around my bare skin, so close and so familiar; he almost felt like an extension of my own limbs.
The last few hours played through my mind like flashes, bringing a smile to my swollen lips. It was like flying through a lovely dream. I remembered each touch, each breath, and each word. I blushed thinking of all the places those pink lips had touched my body. I swear that boy tried to kiss every single one of my freckles; the ones he thought were so beautiful. I would never forget a single moment of tonight. The memories would stay locked inside a piece of my soul.
Sadie was correct. The right person at the right time was nothing short of magic, but now it was time for me to turn back into that pumpkin. The clock across the room glowed five twenty-seven. Scooting out from under his body, I knew it was important to vanish from the room before Jess woke up. We had made a promise that would never stick if I was still here when the sun flooded the room with reality. I wanted a bittersweet end to this perfect night, not a fight slinging blame over our careless actions.
Slipping on one of his t-shirts, the familiar citrus, leather scent filled my nose. I watched his sweet face as he slept. Jess made my body and heart feel things no one else would ever come close to touching. In a few hours, I would sit at the volleyball game pretending this never happened. A single tear slipped down my cheek. This would hurt.
My fingers traced the jagged scars imbedded in his arm from the tree house fire. Sometimes when I looked at Jess, I still saw that boy. The one who stood in the hallway. The one who always saved me. That boy deserved a better life than what I could give him.
Leaning over, I softly whispered against his dark hair, my parting words not for the night, but for our entire relationship. It was time. I couldn’t be selfish anymore.
“Goodbye, Jess.”
Chapter 38
When I was twenty-two…
I watched from the safety of my dark sunglasses, with sweat dripping down my forehead. Sadie sat next to me in the adjoining chair; her rambling words echoed faintly in my left ear. I just wanted to watch the sand without feeling the weight of the world; without hearing her stupid lecture.
“You had sex with Jess and promised not to talk about it. That’s the most ludicrous, moronic just plain stupid thing you may have ever done.”
I didn’t reply. We both knew this wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever done, but I really didn’t want to be reminded of that incident either.
“I told you to discuss this with him. Just try to put some perspective on your complicated relationship. Instead, you granted him some ultimate last wish and agreed to not speak about it so you wouldn’t feel guilty about leaving him in a few months.”
“It’s over Sadie,” I mumbled.
“It’s not over. You may pretend it’s over, but last night was just plain self-sabotage on your part because…”
“Shut up!”
“Alex.”
“Shut up, Sadie. Just shut the hell up.”
I felt sick. I couldn’t even make eye contact this morning with Jess. He wasn’t even focused on the game nor did he look in my direction. I knew he was angry because I snuck away before he woke up. I didn’t know what else to do but leave. I’m not sure what Jess expected to happen this morning. The consequences of our actions were speaking loud and clear in the middle of a thousand people.
I wish he’d never asked me. I wish I’d never agreed. I wish I never knew how it felt to have him touch me from the inside out. I wish I never knew what it felt like to really be us. The weight of our actions pulled tight around my neck like a noose. Most spring breakers brushed the usual crazy antics of the week right off their shoulders without a second thought. Ours came with a high price that twisted around my heart, over and over again, closing off my blood supply.
Wearing the dark shades, I watched the sand. I watched the slutty girl in the yellow bikini. I watched two guys spill beer on the people next to us. I watched everything but him.
The game ended. The boys lost. Jess and Seth made their way over to us on the sidelines. He pulled his t-shirt over his sweaty chest. My stomach twisted as I watched him get closer. I didn’t know what to say to Jess. I didn’t know how I should act. I didn’t know how to pretend like last night never happened and it scared me.
Jess stopped in front of my chair. He smiled, saying nothing. I pulled off my sunglasses. Sadie’s voice drifted away with the rest of the spring breakers. His blue eyes spoke a thousand words all rolled into a heartfelt stare. They calmed the panic inside my body. In the silence between two friends, the air carried an entire conversation. His dark lashes blinked back a vow I knew he meant more than anything. I promise this will not destroy us.
Chapter 39