“Oh, I’m happy! I’m happy everything happened just like that! So easy that it didn’t need to even involve me!”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve let him tell you, but just think ‘bout it. You don’t have to worry ‘bout your Dad anymore. He will be fine there. And no matter where you go, you’ll always have a home. That’s why I did it. I did it for both of you.”
“I can’t talk about this right now.” Jumping up, I took my shirt and shoved my balled-up fists through the sleeves. The anger prickled my nerves as I fumbled with the button holes. Jess watched me, looking confused. I pulled my cutoffs over my lace-trimmed panties. I took off across the sand into the darkness.
“Alex, where’re you goin’?”
“I need to be alone. Don’t follow me. Just let me go.”
I kept walking and never turned back to catch his answer. My swirling emotions controlled every step. My father now owned part of Sprayberry thanks to the Masons. Thanks to Jess! I needed to calm down. This is why Paris was important. Any hesitation of leaving, just got obliterated. I got this graduate spot and job based on my own damn abilities. I finally had a future without the Mason name lingering on everything I touched. I finally had freedom from a past I could never quite shake as long as I remained here.
I kept walking until the private beach turned into a more crowed area. I watched the students. They moved in slow motion as I sat in the darkness. They danced. They drank. They partied without a single worry in their bleached, blond heads. Looking back up into the stars, I wished for that freedom; the ability to let my problems fly away into the wind without a single consequence; no past or present eating away at my soul. I wished I could just let go of this weight I felt on my shoulders.
I sat under the moonlight until my clothes dried and then I took my sweet old time, walking back to the elaborate beach house. Breathe in. Breathe out. The nerves settled into the familiar acceptance of my life controlled by the Masons. This had to be the last time. I said it before, but this time it had to be true.
Walking up the deck stairs, the boards felt rough under my bare feet. I found Jess sitting on a fancy, patio bench. It was covered in some ugly, flower fabric picked out by Mrs. Mason. He didn’t hear my quiet steps so I stayed in the shadows looking at him. Jess was slumped back, staring up into the sky. He leaned up to take a swig from the Bud Light bottle and saw me watching from a few feet away.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
I walked slowly over to where he sat. Standing in front of him, he looked up at me. Pure, unguarded, sadness came from his blue eyes. It broke my heart.
“I’m sorry, Jess. I shouldn’t have acted that way.”
“Al, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just liked the idea of you always havin’ a home at Sprayberry. Even if you left, part of you would still be there.”
“That’s a nice thought.”
“Why does it all feel so final?” He put a hand on each side of my waist and pulled me closer between his knees. I rested my hands on his shoulders. “I’m gonna miss you so damn much, Al.”
“I know. Me too.”
His fingers tugged at the two buttons I fastened in my anger. He moved the shirt flaps away, exposing my stomach. His hands slipped around my bare waist. His right thumb touched the raised, jagged scar on my side. Slowly, he leaned forward and placed his lips against the permanent mark. I tensed, feeling his breath against my stomach. It tickled. I felt nervous and vulnerable and weak.
“You still think about me every time you see it?”
“Yes,” I whispered. He kissed the scar again and then moved his lips up my stomach, leaving a trail of faint marks all the way to the center of my bra. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t know. Somethin’ I shouldn’t.”
“I know.”
“Do you? Really?” His breath floated over my skin. “Do you know how many times I’ve seen that stupid scar and wanted to do that? How many times I’ve wanted to just touch you and not have a reason to. How many times I’ve wanted to kiss you?”
“Are you drunk?”
“This would be so much easier if I was just drunk off my ass. I’d have the guts to just go for it and not care ‘bout the consequences. But I’m not drunk. I just don’t care anymore ‘bout doin’ the right thing because you’re leavin’ me.”
“I thought we were ok with this? We talked about it. You said we were fine.”
“We did. I said the right things. I did the right things. But right now, I just want to be a stupid guy on spring break who sees a pretty girl. All I want to do is kiss her. So look me in the eyes and tell me not to do it.”
“You know you can’t just kiss me, Jess.”
“No, I probably can’t. But I would rather kiss you goodbye and deal with the consequences than regret I never kissed you tonight.”
“This is insane. It will mess us up again.”
“You’re leavin’. How does it get more messed up than that? You didn’t even include me in your decision. You didn’t even ask me how I’d feel ‘bout it.”
“That’s not fair, Jess.”
“I know. Come here.”
Jess grabbed my hips and pulled me forward. I let him without a fight. The guilt of his words hit the mark, making it burn in my chest. He held onto my waist as I straddled his lap with one leg on each side of his thighs. My wrists dangled loosely around his neck. Sadie’s warnings came back, and I brushed them away. I remembered her words, but it was his face I could see; pleading with his eyes. Those damn blue eyes were always my undoing.
“Ok. One kiss and then…” I’d barely uttered my reply before he leaned in with a shocking, full-mouth kiss that sucked the words right off my tongue. Jess tasted better than every deep rooted memory I’d stored away that afternoon four years ago. His lips moved slowly and deeply as I struggled to stay focused.
“You taste like salt,” I muttered against his mouth.
“So do you.”
He kissed me again and I never even tried to stop him. The feeling consumed every piece of my conscious. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. It felt crazy, stupid and wonderful. He kissed down the side of my neck as my head tilted back and my eyes closed. He kissed down to the edge of my bra. Warmth spread from my belly button and into the rest of my body. I pulled back, overwhelmed by how far this quickly spiraled out of control.
“Want me to stop?”
Looking into those haunted eyes, I saw the raw pain I’d caused my friend. He didn’t think tonight could make things worse. It could get worse, but feeling his lips on my skin, I didn’t care.
“Don’t stop,” I hesitated, watching his face. “But it’s just tonight and we don’t talk about it, ok?”
“Just tonight.”
“Promise?”
“I promise, Al.”
He linked his pinky finger with mine and gave a little wink; a tiny snapshot of the former boy before he slipped his tongue back through my lips. I trusted him more than anyone else. I felt safe so the rules of the game lifted tonight, setting me free if only for a few hours.
I kissed him back. Tugging his shirt up, I pulled the orange fabric over his head. My fingers touched his bare skin, and I allowed myself to really feel him. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to his chest. I knew he liked it because every touch made him breath harder.
Putting a hand on each side of my face, Jess pulled me back to his lips. I dug my fingers into his bare shoulders as he kissed me again, full on the mouth. I tasted him over and over again as his tongue slipped back and forth inside my lips. He was so good at this. We were so good at this together.
“I’ve never seen you naked,” he mumbled softly. “I want to see all of you, Al.”
“But you’ve…” I pulled back startled. He pressed his finger against my mouth to stop me.