“Alex.”
I giggled, following her perfect, blonde curls down the stairs. Jess bumped against me on the steps. His fingers slipped around my hand. He did that sometimes and I let him. After my father’s wedding, Jess and I never discussed the implications of our Band-Aid fix to the real problem. I think we both felt anything spoken would harm the fragile state of our truce. Our casual interactions became something I dubbed the new normal. Something without a defined future. Something we both ignored.
I let him hold me. I let him touch me. It felt so comfortable and sweet, even though it was coated in twisted guilt and unspoken issues. I lacked the strength to stop it. I was selfish. Every time I wanted to establish some clarity, all the hurtful memories of those months without Jess pelted my senses. So I was his and he was mine, at least in this selfish, twisted way.
As we reached the end of the staircase, Jess slipped his hand around my waist, pulling me to his side. I smiled at him. “I’m not riding that bull.”
“Who said anythin’ ‘bout a bull,” he laughed at me as the lights sparkled around us in the dark parking lot. His pink lips grinned just an inch away from touching mine.
I knew if he ever kissed me, this truce would be over. I would drift away into the feel of his lips. I would let him do anything he wanted and it terrified me. I couldn’t lose Jess again. I needed him. I needed him the way I needed air; a little bit every day just to survive in this dark world.
Chapter 36
Today, 4:20 a.m.
I am awake. I am asleep. I am calm because I am not really awake. I am somewhere in-between. Some place where the meadow grass blows in the breeze. Some place I don’t feel the ache in my chest. I open my eyes and look out in the early morning darkness. I was here in Dallas just yesterday when everything was sunny and the buildings glowed in happiness. I was here before this place spoke of pain.
My father pulls into the entrance. The building seems frozen in the quiet parking lot. My mind plays tricks on me and the shadows speak of torture and pain. My nostrils fill with a rotten smell that doesn’t really exist.
“Hey Alex, you awake?” My father’s hand squeezes my left thigh.
The shadows reach out and grab me around the throat so I can’t speak. I turn toward my father. He is tired. His eyes show worry and concern and sadness as the lights sparkle in the dark parking lot. He leans across the console and grabs my hand.
“You ready to go inside, Alex?”
I pull my hand away from him. I’m not ready for the truth so my mind slips into this numb, empty void.
“No. Can I be alone for a while? I haven’t really been alone, you know.”
A void fails to sling tears. A void fails to comprehend pain. A void is easier than the truth.
“I…I guess.” His hand nervously scratches the side of his jaw. “You have your phone. Call me or Caroline if you need someone to come out here.”
“Ok. I may just rest for a while.”
“Alex?”
“I won’t do anything.”
“Call me.” His eyes plead with me.
“Ok.”
The truck door shuts. Silence. My heart pounds in my chest and it vibrates into my ears. I feel a panic attack as I sit alone with my thoughts. It spreads through my chest and down into my stomach. The rotten smell fills the cab. The stench becomes stronger. The internal rumble clenches low with each breath of the imaginary smell. I will my stomach to a calm, but eventually surrender.
Slinging the door open, I vomit a pile of soup and slinky noodles. It splatters in every direction across the cement and on the tan door of the truck. I wipe my lips across the blue stars on my wrist and shut the door. I lean back into the seat, feeling the tears fall down my cheeks.
“I should have told him,” I whisper to myself. I should have told him and now it was too late.
Chapter 37
When I was twenty-two…
I watched from the safety of my dark sunglasses, with sweat dripping down my forehead. Sadie sat next to me in the adjoining chair; her rambling words echoed faintly in my left ear while I remained immersed in the volleyball game. I just wanted to watch the boy without feeling the weight of the world.
He tossed the white ball a few feet above his head. As he jumped in the air, every muscle across his chest constricted then released, sending the serve hurling across the net. The other team missed with a face dive into the sand. Jess lifted his baseball cap, running his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair. His long eyelashes winked in my direction as he walked back for the next serve. Jess looked sexy today. My cheeks burned at the thought.
“Don’t you agree?”
“Hmm?” I absently muttered.
“You are so exasperating right now. The belligerent sexual tension, filtering back and forth between you two, is worse than usual this week.”
“Stop being ridiculous,” I spat at Sadie. Everything about her was driving me crazy today. Her blonde curls were tucked elegantly under a large derby hat that was more appropriate for the running of the horses than a spring break volleyball game.
“Really? What did I just say?” She reached into her pink cooler that matched her magenta Ralph Lauren sundress. Pulling out a wine bottle, Sadie filled an actual crystal glass with Sauvignon Blanc.
“It started with boring blah, blah and ended with insult, insult.”
“Alex, I’m trying to be completely serious here.” Her sculpted eyebrows lifted with contempt in my direction as she took a sip.
“It’s spring break. Nothing is supposed to be serious. Why can’t you just sit back and enjoy it for a change?” I gestured out toward a crowd lounging and drinking while Flo Rida played through the speakers.
“Just agree to at least talk to Jess about it.”
“I agree that wine glass is over the top for Padre. I’m not getting in a brawl for you when someone punches you.”
“I guess your boyfriend can defend me.”
“Really? You promised to keep those little comments to yourself on the trip.”
“What am I supposed to do? You can’t even carry on a conversation because you’re too obsessed watching Tatum Channing out there.”
“It’s Channing Tatum and Jess looks nothing like him.”
“Ok, Ben Affleck in that beach movie?” She took another sip, leaving lipstick prints on the glass. “Or that vampire guy.”
“Taylor Lautner? He’s not the vampire. Stop pretending you actually watch movies. It’s embarrassing.”
“Embarrassing? I’m not the one imagining Jess naked right now.”
She said the words right as he grinned at me again from the volleyball court. He was flirting from thirty feet away and not even trying to hide it. I shook my head. “I’m not picturing anyone naked. Let it go or I will be the one to punch you. That’s your two-minute warning.”
“I’m trying to warn you. It’s impossible to escape the inevitable. You know that, Alex.”
“I’m not talking about it Sadie.” Avoidance. I was good at it. I relaxed back in my chair to watch. That boy never looked better than he did today. There was only one Jess Mason, and not a single actor could ever compare.
“Fine. But don’t blame me when everything explodes in your face. You both walk around in some unrequited, catastrophic ball of frustration aimed at each other. You have to be honest with him and yourself. I’m not pulling you out of some disgusting pile of your own filth when this backfires. Once was enough. Just stop staring and do something about it.”
“It can’t happen,” I muttered. “Not at this point.”
“Yes, it can, sweetie. It’s called having a discussion about your future. Not everything is diabolical, relationship killer news.”
“I’m not in a relationship. Besides, it won’t be your problem. You and your fancy clothes will be walking the streets of Chicago.”