“He won't let me. Jess doesn’t want to talk to me. He doesn’t want to hear it.”
“If you are truly sorry, then you say it until he hears you. No matter how many times it takes. I watched that boy take just about every punishment he could for you. Don't think I didn't know.” Embarrassment caused my cheeks to flush. “Just never give up, Pumpkin. Not on the important ones.”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“Is he still important to you?”
“Yes.” I whispered, fidgeting in my ballet flats. My right hand bent the knuckles back on my left with a ripple of cracks.
“You want to tell me about it?”
“No, it’s your wedding. I don’t want to bother you with it.”
“I don’t care.”
“It’s ok, Dad. Really.”
“Ok. Come here.” Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, my father pulled me in for a tight hug. It felt good leaning on him for a moment. “You will try again with Jess. Promise?”
“Ok,” I nodded into his shoulder.
Jess had left the party. I didn't actually see him leave, but I felt his sudden absence. It didn't take a fancy, physiology degree to know where he slipped off to on the ranch. Leaving the clean-up to the capable hands of the Mason-funded catering staff, I trotted the short walk to the barns.
In the tack shed, I found my old, work cowboy boots stitched in a deep orange that Jess had bought me. I shoved my feet down in the dark holes and hoped for no spiders. Digging around in the shelves, I found another item hidden away in an old spot just like my shoes.
The four-wheeler fired up on the first try. With my satin dressed bunched up around my thighs, I sped across the meadow, feeling each nauseous bump. The hill with our burned-up stump came into view. I parked beside the other four-wheeler and killed the engine, staying astride the seat. I lacked the courage for the last few steps of the spur-of-the-moment plan.
Sliding off, I smoothed down my dress and walked quietly over the grass. My palm gripped the red packaged I took from the tack room. I stopped a few feet from where Jess sat leaning back against the stump. His shirt was unbuttoned at his throat and the blue tie was draped over his knee. Off to his right, I saw our names carved into the base of the stump. JESS + ALEX
The blue eyes looked up at me. I held out my hand in his direction with my Skittles peace offering. I could hear the old teasing voice; It's goin' to take more than Skittles, Al. Instead, of laughing he gave me hard stare with troubled eyes. I took a deep breath and went for it.
“I…I…I'm sorry, Jess. For everything. I just want you to hear it. I wish I could change what happened but I can't. Just know I regret it. I never wanted to hurt you like this. And …” I swallowed hard trying not to cry. “I miss you, Jess. I miss you every day,” my voice cracked. “Thank you for hearing me. I…I’ll leave you alone.”
I dropped the red package by his foot and turned around, feeling the tears run down my cheeks. At least he heard me, I thought to myself.
“Don't go.” His gruff voice made my body stop cold. Wiping my eyes, I turned back around to face him. Jess nodded a little to his right, indicating I should take a seat. I hesitated with a nervous twitch.
“It wasn't supposed to be this way.” He spoke again while I stayed glued to the spot, looking down at him. “You seemed afraid of me. You know, in the truck. You were huddled against the glass as far away as you could get from me. Like I’d reach over and hurt you or somethin’.”
“I'm not afraid. I just wanted to give you space.”
“Please just sit,” he asked again. I walked toward the tree and slid down a few inches away from him. Jess shrugged out of his suit jacket and gestured in my direction. “Put this on. You're goin' to get cold.”
“You don't have to be nice. I know you still hate me.”
“I don't hate you. I never could hate you.”
“But you said you couldn’t look at me.”
“I never stopped lookin’. It’s ‘bout damn impossible when your pictures are all over my walls.”
“Could have taken them down.”
“Well that seemed to be somethin’ I couldn't do either.”
“Oh.”
“Just take the jacket.”
“Thank you.”
I slipped the dark coat over my shoulders, smelling his scent wrap around me. All these months of inner pain melted into the warm fabric. It felt like I was finally home. I stayed quiet, afraid to utter something wrong, bringing an end to the magical peace filling every broken crevice.
“I miss you too, Al. Even when I wanted to just scream at you, I still missed you.” I didn't dare look in his direction at the strained words. “You know, the worse feelin’ in the world is wantin’ to call your best friend and knowin’ you can’t because they did somethin’ that hurt you. Somethin’ you thought they would never do. I must have picked up the phone a hundred times. It killed me every day. I wanted to go see you so bad, but I couldn’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout what you did. I was so angry at you. I’m still angry at you.”
His words tore through my heart. I wanted to wrap my arms around his body. I wanted to hold Jess and never let go. I wanted to tell his sad face I was sorry until he believed it without a shadow of a doubt. Instead, I spoke in a low, monotone voice never looking at his face. “What do you suggest we do?”
“You hurt me and I did my best to hurt you back. It didn't make it right or better. It just made us both miserable. I saw you that day before I slammed the door. You were just lookin’ at me. Cryin’. I hadn't ever seen you do that before. I’d seen you hundreds of times bitin’ your lip and keepin’ everythin’ sealed up tight. But that day you finally let it go and I just stood there, knowin’ I was the one person who finally broke you. It haunted me. Punishin’ you didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel worse. I shouldn't have walked away. I'm sorry.”
“Please don't apologize to me. I don't want you to.”
“If you want me to forgive you, then you have to let me say it.”
“It doesn’t feel right.”
“Alex, I missed your birthday,” he whispered. “I shut you out when somethin’ bad happened to you because of how it made me feel. I shouldn’t have left. You hurt me but I shouldn’t have left. It’s not what we do to each other.”
I missed him so much. The tears slid down one after another creating cool marks in the breeze.
“This is different. Seein’ you cry.”
I turned to look at him. “Yeah, it happens a lot now.”
“Oh.” Jess lifted a finger up to touch my face and then yanked it back.
“I’m sorry I…I hurt you.”
“I know.” He exhaled deeply as he leaned against the tree. “I know you are. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry I left you.”
I stayed quiet, feeling the power of the words whisking around in the breeze. The meadow sounded and smelled of fall; each tree shedding the leaves to make way for new ones in the spring, creating the circle of life on the long, lanky branches. A beautiful paradise to those granted the privilege to witness the show.
“I miss comin’ out here.” Jess spoke again. “Everythin’ always made sense in this spot. Whatever was botherin’ me. I could just sit here lookin’ out across the meadow. Hearin’ absolutely nothin’ but my own breathin’. It was easy to forget anythin’ else even existed. There wasn’t nothin’ that couldn’t be fixed out here.”
“It was easier when we were kids. All of it.”
“I know.”
“Al, what he did was terrible. Have you been ok? I mean handlin’ it ok?”
“I don’t know. Losing you was worse. I didn’t think much about the video after you didn’t text me back. I just thought about you.”
“Yeah, my hand was in a cast that day. I didn’t do much textin’ for a while.”
“Jess…” Guilt ate into my shaking voice. “You got hurt? What did you do to him?”
“Bastard,” he muttered and paused for a moment. “I drove to Lubbock and beat the shit out of him.”