“No, I’m not that crazy. At least I don’t think I am.”
“Ok, so not Chicago. Just stay and go out of your way to be a model citizen the next few weeks.”
“Staying just sounds degrading. I hate myself right now.”
“You seriously need to work on this anger and self-hatred cloud that follows your every move. You have to let it go. This summer just made it worse, but don’t wallow in the aftermath. What happens at camp stays at camp. If asked in the future, you never heard of something called the Hatchet House and you never inhaled.”
“You and your political bull crap cover-ups.”
“I’ll let that one slide tonight.”
“Sorry.” I let out a deep breath, feeling the waves of air floating out in the dark night. The tension of a lingering headache pierced through my temples. “What am I going to do about Jess? I mean really. This is serious.”
“We covered that part. You’re not telling him.”
“We can’t go back to the way things were even if he doesn’t know about Dutch. We have to talk about how he feels toward me and how I don’t…” I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to choke out the words. The damn thing would fall off before the end of the night. “Why can’t I just say it out loud?”
“Because it’s not true. Because you do love him. Because you have deep psychological issues involving anger and resentment. I am honestly not sure who you resent more; the Masons, your father, your mother, or yourself. Until you fix some of this emotional debilitating hostility, you will not be able to accept the way you really feel about Jess. Friendship or otherwise.”
“It doesn’t matter anyway at this point. I pretty much slammed the door in his face tonight. No, I slapped him, and then he left. Jess doesn’t just leave. I think I lost everything with him. Our friendship is over.”
“Well, you might need to give him some time. Let him calm down.”
“I don’t remember a time when I did life without him. Not even here. Jess still existed even when I tried to pretend he didn’t. It’s like he’s the other half of me. I don’t know how to live without him.”
“I guess you will have to live without him. I’m sorry, sweetie.”
“I know. This is really hard.” I rubbed my forehead, smelling the vomit soaked into my clothes.
“Just power step one foot in front of the other. You can do it. Keep your chin up. Show all of them you’re not defeated.”
“Thank you, Sadie. You’re a good friend.”
“I know. Can’t live without me. Good night, sweetie.”
Sitting on the little rock, I wondered how it would feel to just cry. Let all the ugliness out for the world to see. I remembered the last time I felt the drops run down my cheeks. In a fit of rage, I had smashed my tea set against my bedroom wall. My feet had stomped the larger pieces into shards against the carpet. I remembered the snot dripping off the tip of my nose and the haunted look on my father’s face. In that moment, I vowed never to let anyone see me crack again.
The next day, a cloud covered my heart, just like a scene from Steel Magnolias. The small television broadcasted the only VHS tape I could find on short notice. Rochellas had electronic equipment straight out of 1985. I secretly despised that movie as much as Ouiser if she was tied to a chair and forced to watch it on repeat. I needed blood and guts. A nice Saw movie would serve a better purpose, but that might scare the little brats into coming over to my seat.
Covering my face with a large set of sunglasses I stole from Darcy, I blocked out the chaos in front of me, and prayed for this damn headache to go away, but I knew it would stay lodged right where it belonged after what I did last night.
Unless I chose to die of starvation, the mess hall lunch qualified as a necessity. I picked the back corner out of view and tried to choke down lasagna. Dutch and Darcy walked through the side door, causing my esophagus to constrict on the large chunk of meat. They each grabbed a tray and bickered all the way over to my table.
Dutch sat down next to me and leaned into whisper, “I've been thinking about you all morning.”
I froze, in silent repulsion, feeling his warm breath float across my cheek. Darcy dropped her tray on the other side of the table with a loud thud; a harsh reminder of how she would react to her dress balled up in a plastic bag under my bunk.
“So… I hear you have some hot friend visiting and decided not to tell me.”
“He left.”
“You teasing bitch!” She laughed. “I was getting all, you know, excited. I would have loovvved something new around here. Everything seems just a little used up these days.”
I struggled not to drop my cup and placed it slowly on the tray. Any bit of appetite vanished with thought of Darcy's disease-infested hands touching Jess. Out of the corner of my eye, Dutch glared a nonverbal shut-the-hell-up in her direction, making it clear Darcy's comment hit the mark. She flipped him off. I guess everyone at Rochellas knew that Dutch finally got me to the Hatchet House.
That was the last meal I shared with either of my former summer friends. Rising thirty minutes before the rest of the staff, I raced to the mess hall each morning for a quick breakfast and packed a sandwich for lunch and dinner. I ate the rest of my meals alone by the lake.
Chapter 31
When I was nineteen…
On the fourth day at school, I walked in a mindless fog back to our apartment located a few blocks off campus. Five weeks had passed since my night of self-loathing destruction. Five weeks since I’d heard from Jess. I’d went home to Sprayberry following the last day of camp, but we missed each other by a few hours. His move back to Austin on that particular day, at that particular time, was intentional. My best friend had no desire to see me. For the first time since I was eight, Jess Mason was completely absent from my life.
My phone vibrated in the side pocket of my backpack. Stopping on the sidewalk, I pulled out the small black box. My heart sank, seeing another message not from Jess. Yet, I was surprised by the sender.
Lex get ur skinny ass online. Sent u 5 emails.
I cringed, seeing my summer name. I didn’t want texts, emails or any other contact with those people, but I went ahead and replied to Darcy.
Ok
Sadie barely noticed when I entered our apartment. Our college home was nicer than the impoverished slums most coeds inhabited to save money for more beer. All my contributions were items bought by the Masons, which reminded me of all my problems.
In the new world of apartment living, Sadie’s eccentric tendencies made Martha Stewart look like a contestant on that hoarders show. Not that she ever saw an episode. Sadie despised reality television; said the public displays of ignorance was the downfall of America. Her over-zealous, annoying habits crept into my daily life, causing nothing but added strife to my current predicament. Despite her peculiar flaws, she was a good friend; a loyal friend, even in spite of my stupid actions.
I sat down next to Sadie, who was engrossed in news article on her laptop. Dressed in a yellow sundress and curls, she looked beautiful as always, even on the days she got up early for class.
“Hey sweetie, how was calculus?”
“Ehh,” I shrugged.
“Alex, you can’t flunk. Your scholarship will be revoked.”
I stared into the vacant TV screen. The sarcastic laugh stayed hidden. It wasn’t much of a scholarship. The Masons paid for almost everything when I looked at the grand total of going to school here.
“Alex!”
“I’m going to my classes,” I muttered.