Who the hell is Lexie? I heard his voice again. You’re mine. I’m being paranoid. It’s we since we were eight. That mocking voice is not here. You can have your damn break. You can have your damn break. My hands gripped across my forehead, pinching the skin around my hair line. Jess drove away. He is not talking. You are not here! Did I chant the words out loud or just as an echo in my mind? I wasn’t sure.
I dragged the tips of my fingers down my face, catching on my eyeballs. Anxiety ripped through my gut, bringing up the lingering taste of bile. My eyes darted around at the hatchets and chainsaw glaring like gnawing teeth. The sound of engines and swirling wind circled through the room. I couldn’t breathe. I felt pain; a raw hurt in my chest and somewhere else I wanted to forget. I panicked.
What have you done, Alex? I don’t know. Something terrible. Are you talking to yourself? I heard the thoughts again like they were spoken out loud. Lexie, are you ok? The tone sounded so deep and unlike my own.
“Lexie?” Dutch’s voice pulled my attention back through a silent, tunnel vacuum. I heard nothing but the sound of faint music. His eyes blinked back, looking straight into mine. The light bulb continued to swing above our heads.
“Are you ok? You should have taken it easy on the joint.” His fingers brushed my bare skin as he pulled the red straps back on my shoulders. Shit! Until that exact moment, I didn’t realize I was still perched on the nasty table, stoned out and topless.
“You leaving?” My voice quivered a little. Dutch silenced the music on his phone then jammed the case down in his right jeans pocket.
“You want to come? I’m on camp-out duty tonight, remember?”
“Oh, right. I forgot you said that earlier. Go on without me. I'll come later.” Dutch looked at me a second then came back for a light peck to the lips giving me a kiss of Funyun-coated nothing.
“You sure I should leave you here?”
“Yes. I’m fine.”
“Alright. I’m pulling the zombie in the woods story out tonight. Scared the literal crap out of two of them last week. Not kidding. Shit their pants when Breck jumped out of the woods. Don’t want to miss it this time. Catch you later, Lex?”
“Yeah.”
The wooden door shut with a hard bang, wedging it closed. I never wanted to see Dutch again in my life. Sliding off the table, I collapsed against the dirty floor. I felt as nasty as the pieces of mud and oil that clung to my legs.
I felt sick. Sadie would kill me. Jess would…my thoughts came to a halt. Jess would hate me forever. Isn’t this what I wanted to prove? The fact we could never be together? No, damn it!
My throat constricted, cutting off my air supply. I couldn’t have a real relationship with Jess, so I killed the only one I did have with him. Jess no longer was my future or my friend.
“Shit!” I screamed it out loud with every ounce of energy I had remaining.
The weak muscles of my stomach gave out. I leaned over and I threw up on the floor. Lifting the edge of my dress, I wiped the hem across my lips. I threw up again, feeling the liquid splash all over my legs. I threw up again, not bothering to even lean over this time. Nasty chunks of hamburger rolled down my chest. I hated Dutch. I hated my life. I hated the Masons. I hated myself. I hated Jess for leaving.
I sat in my own vomit until two in the morning and my head was almost clear. Covered in puke, I went back to camp. Most of the staff lay asleep in the bunks when I crept through to get my phone. I needed a shower, but what was the point. I hiked back out in the woods to a spot that guaranteed three bars of reception.
Part of me wanted to call Jess in a selfish act of needing to hear his voice. It was wrong, and I knew it. I clicked Sadie’s name and listened to the buzzy rings all the way in Chicago.
“Hello?”
“Sadie. I…I’m sorry. I know it’s late.”
“Alex? Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“I really screwed up. I…I don’t know what to do.”
“Where are you?” Her voice went from groggy to action mode.
“I’m still at Rochellas. Jess came to visit. We had this fight. It was bad. We’ve never been so horrible to each other. He was screaming at me. All these terrible things. I slapped him, Sadie. Literally hit him, then he just left. I was so angry, like I couldn’t even stand being in my own skin. I did something unforgivable. It’s bad Sadie. Really, bad.”
“Ok, try to calm down. Tell me what happened.”
The story felt out in garbled clumps of rushed words. “I'm so stupid. What have I done? I went completely insane tonight. I swear I was having an out-of-body experience. It’s like I kept seeing myself do these things. I wanted to stop it but I couldn’t.”
“Did you at least use protection?”
“I might have been stupid but I’m not a complete moronic girl.” My mind swirled back through the hazy moments in the Hatchet House. “That’s not exactly true. I lucked out that Dutch preferred to be safe.”
“Well, that's at least something right now.”
“It was terrible too. I thought it would be different.”
“It usually is different, sweetie. You just experienced it with the wrong person in the wrong circumstances. Trust me.”
“How could I have been this stupid, Sadie? I'll have to tell Jess.”
“You two are not together. Unless your relationship status changes in the future, you don't have to ever tell him.”
“But it doesn't work that way with us. It's the reason we were fighting. You didn’t see the look on his face as he left. I wasn’t honest with him.”
“You are almost twenty years old. Bonds, promises, or whatever Booneyville pact you made will not last as adults. You are not obligated to tell him anything. What you did is none of Jess Mason’s business. He may think it is, but the details of tonight are most certainly not his business. Forget about what you think he needs to know.”
“I wish it was that easy to forget. I feel so nasty and slutty.”
“You are not slutty. Now Dutch? I'm sorry sweetie but I think he's a bit of a man whore. He took advantage of someone in a very distraught state tonight. This lifeguard has been interested all summer because you’re the only one who said no. He knew exactly what he was doing.”
“I was just so angry and…and…”
“It was a mistake. They happen. You take the lesson learned and vow not to do it again. Even the most organized person makes them.”
“You don’t make mistakes.”
“There’s varying degrees of mistakes. The main thing, you can’t let it destroy you. Take the turmoil and channel it into something else. It’s called capitalizing on your mistakes.”
“I don’t want to capitalize on it. I want to take it back. All of it. From the moment I got here. Erase this whole damn summer.”
“Can you take it back? No. Can you try to move forward? Yes. You will start by staying away from Dutch and Darcy the rest of the summer. Ok? Promise me.”
“You don't have to worry. I never want to see any of them again. To be honest, I’m done. Part of me wants to just pack up and leave.”
“You could leave, I guess.”
“And go where? I can't move into our apartment until August and there's no way in hell I can go to Sprayberry right now.”
My head hung in despair, thinking of Jess at Sprayberry, seeing his face smiling on the meadow then changing to the haunting look of pain I caused in those blue eyes. Knowing Jess, he would drive all night then ride out to the burned up stump. He would sit for hours, watching the sunrise, contemplating how I had become a wretched bitch.
“Sweetie, why not come to Chicago?”
“Chigger won’t make it that far and I don’t have the money for a plane ticket.” I refused to involve a single Mason dollar in this night of stupidity. All the money I made this summer had gone to the New Orleans trip and the alcohol I contributed to the dock parties.
“What if I got you the ticket?”
“No, I can’t let you.”
“Early birthday.”
“Sadie, you always say that. I can’t add anything else to the birthday list.”
“You have a list for me too?” She asked as a joke, but I heard the question in her voice. Sadie thinks I’m insane. I pictured those concerned creases above her arched eyebrows with the cluck-cluck of disapproval.