“What are you doin’ here?” His voice was so deep, so angry.
“I don’t understand.”
“Don't play dumb. You're the smartest person I know. What are you doin'? This camp and these people. Who the hell is Lexie?”
“It's just a camp nickname, Jess. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“That Dutch guy not mean anythin’ either?”
“We’re friends.”
“Right. Guys like him are not just friends. I don’t like him and he reeked of pot.” The disgusted sneer on his lips broke through my reserve of trying to keep this peaceful.
“You don’t know him!”
“I’m startin’ to think I don’t know you. It’s like you created an entire new identity.”
“It's not like that.”
“I don't know how else you would explain it.”
“It wasn't intentional…it just…sort of happened.” I could see that was the wrong answer to his question. Jess crossed the distance between us and yanked my arm up, shoving it close to my face.
“That tattoo just sort of happen too, or was it his idea?”
“It’s just a tattoo and I drew it. It’s one of my pictures.”
“I have your pictures. That's not one of ‘em.” He let go of my arm, throwing it out like a dirty rag.
“Jess, don’t be this way.” His eyes followed every curve of my body from my hair down to my gray tennis shoes. I felt a little exposed under the radar of scrutiny. Was he looking for another permanent embellishment on my body or something else deeper?
“I have to know.” His pushed his hair back off his forehead. “Is this what you meant last summer? When you fed me that bullshit. Is this what you really wanted? This place and these people and pretendin’ to be someone else?”
“Maybe I want to forget about who I am. Just for a little bit. Being here around these people…I haven't felt like poor, pathetic Alex. It was nice.”
“You can't just erase your past.”
“Why can't I?”
“You just can’t. Because it erases…” The realization died on his lips.
“You?”
“Yes. You can’t pretend I don’t exist. That we aren’t us. I told you I would wait for you.”
“I told you not too. You kissed me. It was nice. We decided to be just friends. End of story.”
“Bullshit!”
“No, it’s not.”
“It’s complete bullshit and you know it!”
“You’re right. It’s bullshit because you haven’t been some angel waiting around for me. You were with other people too.”
“Other people? You mean the assigned sorority pledges for date parties? Damn it, Alex! Those were not choices. Those were not other girls. I haven’t been with any other girl since I told you how I felt.”
“You have got to be kidding me! Dutch is no different than your other girls.”
“Nothin' happened with them and you know it. Stop tryin’ to make excuses. Stop tryin’ to deny you’ve done absolutely nothin’ with a guy like that. Al, come on.”
“Don't Al me!” I jumped up and stood just a few inches from his face.
“Fine, Lexie, or whatever the hell your name is!” His nostrils flared as he continued to shout in my face. “We are apart for one summer and your common sense goes down the shitter. You apparently don't seem to care ‘bout what I think or feel. I thought we had an understandin’ ‘bout our future.”
“We are not together. There is no our future.”
“It's been we since we were eight!” The smell of his breath came with fine drops of spit landing on my cheeks. I didn't budge. Each syllable of his words seemed to leave a lingering echo in the trees.
“My friend. That's it.” My body stayed planted right in his face as I stressed the painful words back. “That was our understanding. You can’t tell me who else I can be friends with. It's none of your business.”
“It’s my business because you are supposed to be with me…you’re mine!”
“Damn it! You don't own me, Jessup Mason! Not you or your damn parents. No one does.”
“Shit! I didn't mean it that way.”
“There's no other way to mean that.” My body shook with each ragged breath. The anger consumed my emotions, causing my palms to clench tight.
“Ok, fine. I meant it that way. I'm not gonna deny it. But there’s still the part of you that’s my friend. I'm tryin' to look out for you, but you’re makin' it damn near impossible.”
“You aren’t looking out for me. This is not about us being friends. You are trying to dictate what I do here.”
“What exactly are you doin’ here? Tryin’ to prove some point? Is this really what you want? Someone like Dutch? Some pot-smoking asshole? You do that now too, Lexie? You smoke a little then fuck him?”
“Shut up!” I yelled, cutting him off.
“What? You don't like the truth thrown in your face? Hit a nerve, Lexie?” he sneered. “How’d it make you feel, knowin’ you were wedged right in between half the other girls he had this summer? All the pathetic morons who fell for his lies that made them feel special. Did that get rid of all those sad feelin’s of being poor Alex and your horrible past of havin’ nowhere to go so you were forced to live at Sprayberry with me.”
“Stop it!” I couldn’t believe he would be so mean, bringing up the very thing that haunted me. “You’re being a complete asshole. I don't even know who you are right now, Jess.”
“Don't know who I am? Really? You are so unbelievable. You created an entire new identity to be with someone else.”
“You act like I'm some commune-brainwashed druggie slut.”
“Your words, not mine, but that pretty much sums it up,” he spat back.
I felt so angry even my skin hurt; my fingers balled up into fists. “You have no idea how much I hate you right now.”
“Feelin’ is mutual.”
“No one asked you to come here.”
“Well, I guess you’re right on that one. I thought you would be happy to see me after you made that phone call. Now, I know it came from New Orleans where you went with him. Waste of time and gas drivin' halfway across the state to see if you were ok.”
“I'm sure it won't make a dent in your precious Mason trust fund.”
“Really? You’re stoopin’ to that? Alex, you have always been snarky, but as Lexie, you’re just a complete bitch!” He crossed the few steps to shout the insult straight into my face.
“I’m the bitch? You’re the spoiled, rich, asshole. Just like all the rumors in Arlis.”
“You mean the same rumors that said you’re a homeless slut. Oh wait, I guess that’s all true now.”
I slapped him.
The sting radiated across my palm from the force I put into the hit. This conversation needed to end before something catastrophic happened, but I think it was already too late. I had hit Jess, and he looked like he wanted to drown me in the lake.
“We need to stop.” It came out breathless as I focused on the ground to break our murderous eye contact. “Take a break.”
“You want a break? That’s what you really want?”
“Yes.” I looked up and bit down hard on my lip.
“Then fine! You can have your damn break.” Jess gave me a brief look as to say it’s your final chance. I watched his body turn and stock off down the trail.
I’d never hated Jess in the past. He made it impossible to truly hate that sweet, smiling face. Oh, I had been mad at him plenty of times, but it was never true repulsion. Tonight was different. Hidden in my gut, I knew his accusations came not from anger but something far deeper. I was slowly breaking his heart, and the pain oozed out in dagger strikes. Even in his devastation, I didn't deserve something like this from my best friend. We were not together. Yet, he made me feel like some lying, cheating tramp.
I sat on the log by the lake for almost an hour. This was a mess, like a cluster-fuck of a mess. I really hit him. How was that even possible? It was his fault. He pushed and pushed and I broke. I took a deep breath in my nose, counted to five, and released it out across the night air. I needed to calm down and then go back. Maybe we could have a civil, adult conversation about our situation.