I couldn’t breathe. He felt warm under my hand. I couldn’t think about anything else but touching his body again. Sitting up, I moved a little away from him. Jess watched me for a moment, and then got up next to me.
I took a few deep breaths and fought to get a grasp on the situation. He reached up and touched my face, making me look at him. “It’s ok.”
“No…no…it’s not.”
“I’ve thought ‘bout it a lot you know. You just look so pretty sometimes. I would watch you when you weren’t lookin’. Sometimes, I would imagine what it would be like to kiss you.” His fingers ran through my long red strands of hair. “I think ‘bout all of it, you know. You and me, being here together. It’s always been you, Alex. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
“You can't be thinking about me,” I whispered.
“Why not?”
“Jess…you just can't. Not like that.” I turned to look into his blue eyes trying to reason with him. “We are just comfortable together. Familiar. I understand. It can get confusing. But that’s all it is. You don't really want me.”
“No, I do want you. That's the thing. I see you every day. I know you better than anyone else.” His index finger brushed across my cheekbone then trailed down my neck to my shoulder.
“You see these…I’ve watched every one of these freckles form on your skin. You have ‘em from all the time we spent here together. And I know in here.” His hand moved to rest lightly across the top of my left breast. “I know that you hate those freckles. And you’re afraid to cry because you see it as a weakness. And I know you look at me different than you do anyone else.”
“Jess…” I moved his hand off my chest.
“I know you feel somethin’ for me. What just happened was enough to prove it. You kissed me back, Al. You let me touch you and I know you liked it. But I know it’s scarin’ you too.”
He stopped talking. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to argue back or wait for all his words to sink into my thoughts. I knew he would never understand why this couldn't happen. The tension in my brain suffocated me.
I was vaguely aware of how damaged I was compared to most other girls. I had years and years of mental anguish caused by the death of a parent and losing one’s financial freedom. I was a homeless street urchin that became a walking, talking, bought-and-paid-for Mason charity project. My future hinged not on a romantic relationship with Jess, but a college education provided by his parents. The debt I owed this family was so big. I couldn’t take the most precious thing from their lives. No matter what I felt, I would never take their son.
Turning away from him, I couldn’t look in his eyes. Being with Jess meant too many things. Between his family and my past, he deserved better than me. I bit down hard on my lip trying to squash back the sudden rush of emotions.
“Al, it’s ok. I know this is a lot to process. I know how you’re feelin’. I don't even have to look to know that you got that lip of yours clenched right now. It's why I've never done anythin’ 'bout how I felt. I knew you’d do this. It would freak you out.”
Jess pulled my chin around so he could watch my face. His finger pulled my lip out from my tight clenched teeth. His eyebrows stayed knitted up in a look of concern. I could tell his mind was trying to pry into my confused thoughts.
“Alex, I’m not sorry for finally kissin’ you. I know it scares you and sets off one of those internal arguments. I see it goin’ on right now inside of your head. You need some time to think ‘bout it. I understand. I’m scared too, but I know I’m right ‘bout us,” he smiled. “I won’t kiss you again until it’s your idea. I promise. I want this to be one hundred percent from you. We’ve got somethin’ that people look for their whole lives. We just found it when we were eight. Because of that, I can wait a little bit longer.”
“I don't want you waiting on me,” I whispered.
“You don't really got a choice in that. Actually, I believe a little in fate.”
“Fate…is just wishful thinking.”
“For a girl who wishes on stars, you just don’t get it. I’m tryin’ to say some things are just meant to be.” His fingers touched each side of my cheeks again. “Alex, I. . .” My hand flew up to his lips. My fingers pressed hard, stopping the words.
“No,” I sputtered as the air evaporated from my lungs. I could not allow Jess to say it. My breathing got a little ragged. Jess kissed my fingers, and I yanked them off of his lips. “I think we need a little space.” I managed to get the words out. The nerves in my stomach kicked in and bile trickled up in my throat.
“Ok,” he nodded.
We both got up and the awkward tension crackled through the air. I took in a quick breath in my nose and let it out slowly.
“Jess… I care about you. Please know that. You mean more to me than anyone else. But I can't promise anything. We are only eighteen. You’ve never even left here. You don’t know what you want yet. I don’t know what I want yet. Away from here, Jess. Austin is going to be so different than Arlis…and it’s just the beginning for me. I may stay in Texas or I might leave. See the world. Do something on my own. I don't want to hold you to anything. It's going to be tough out there. We are going to need each other. But as friends, Jess. Just friends. Anything else could jeopardize that. I don't want to lose you over it.”
“You won't lose me. I promise. You’re the most import person in my life. Always will be.”
“Always in a long time, Jess. A lot could happen.”
“Nothin’ could happen that would be big enough to change it. Sometimes I feel growin’ up together, there’s a little piece of you that grew inside of me. I couldn’t leave you if I tried.”
I stared into his sweet face and saw the same one I met in the hallway all those years ago. I knew him better than anyone and he knew me just the same. I needed that boy, and he only needed that girl. All this talk would fade in the shadows once he went to college, and met a campus full of beautiful and rich girls. Jess would understand and be grateful that I stopped a potentially embarrassing accident today. He would find someone worthy of those words; a girl who wasn’t his family’s pet welfare project.
Jess wrapped his arms around my body. I froze, feeling his lips next to my ear. “Alex… it will happen. We are supposed to be together. One day you’ll let me say those words to you.” All his fingers stayed in the appropriate places and then he let me go. My lungs released a sigh of relief.
I turned away to keep from seeing the hurt in his blue eyes. We gathered up the fishing supplies in silence. His phone stayed forgotten at the bottom of the pond. Every few moments, my eyes darted over at Jess. His jaw was clenched tight. I swallowed hard, knowing it’s the way it had to be for us. Over time, he would forget these feelings.
After loading up the four-wheeler, Jess looked directly at my face. A week smile flashed before he fired up the engine. I climbed on the back, holding loosely to his shoulders as we headed toward my house, or rather, the Masons’ farmhouse.
We bounced over ruts in the dirt trail. I grabbed his shoulders tighter to keep from falling off the back. Jess kissed me. The thought floated around in my head. I was scared of how it would change us. I was scared of how it made me really feel. For a moment, I closed my eyes, remembering my one and only kiss with Jess. I locked the memory away deep inside my heart.
Chapter 25
When I was eighteen…