One thing at a time.
The children stared at their gifts for a while, all of them except Jace, who toddled off to get into the box of toys we kept in the living room. Abby and Blake both cried over their new gifts and soon Lucy joined in. Jace came back to see what the commotion was about, so I picked him up and cried with him too. I lead my children to the couch and let them all snuggle close.
Yes, things were better, but they were still hard.
A knock at the door forced me to move. Looking at the clock on the wall, I knew it was time anyway. I gave all of the kids kisses and one last hug.
Ben stood on the other side of the door, holding a large bouquet of pale pink orchids. Before I could greet him, he stepped through the open door and crushed me in a hug. He smelled like him, like the scent I’d gotten used to over the last several months, and the flowers he held against my back.
My arms wrapped around his waist and I held on. I had been the rock all morning, the steady one, the one that held us together. But now I needed someone to be my rock. I felt myself crumbling to pieces, sand that washed away every time a new wave rolled in or ash that scattered in the wind.
“How are you holding up,” he whispered against my temple.
“We’ve survived so far.” I took a step back, realizing that embracing Ben might be inappropriate in front of the kids. He held out the flowers and I took them, dipping my head to enjoy their fragrance. “These are gorgeous. Thank you. Orchids?”
He gave me a small smile. “Roses felt… inadequate.”
I didn’t know what to make of that, so I busied myself with putting them in water. Emma showed up a few minutes later and we all piled into my minivan.
The ride to the cemetery wasn’t long enough. Ben drove for me because I didn’t think I had the strength.
I hadn’t been here since they put in the headstone. And the only other times I visited his grave was right before the funeral when I picked the plot out, then of course, during the funeral.
It just didn’t seem right. His body rested here, but his soul was gone. This was an empty place for me. It didn’t hold the Grady I loved and it only represented his death.
I didn’t want to remember him in death.
I wanted to be with him in life.
The cemetery I’d chosen was a beautiful piece of land with huge trees and rolling hills. His plot sat on the top of a hill, nestled into a view of the sunset at the right time of day and overlooking the rest of the grounds.
At some point during the funeral preparation, I had designed his tombstone. I hardly remembered what I’d picked out, but it was simple, stately, to the point but with a little bit of whimsy.
Like Grady.
Katherine and Trevor met us there. We had arranged to spend time around the grave, remembering this day together.
After Ben parked the car and we piled into the wet March morning, I realized how inappropriate it was for Ben to be here.
I looked at my sister in panic, but she was busy talking to Abby.
I took calming breaths and tried to sort out my feelings. It shouldn’t be awkward. We were just friends. I shouldn’t feel the need to justify his presence to my mother-in-law or to my husband’s empty body.
But I did.
The breath left my lungs. Why hadn’t I thought this through before now? I had asked Ben to be with me today because I knew I needed him. But now it seemed… wrong.
I couldn’t help the feelings of guilt and shame that bubbled over me. I’d made a huge mistake. And there was nothing I could do about it now.
Ben’s hand landed between my shoulder blades where he rubbed a soothing path. I relaxed some but that only irritated me more.
“Who’s your friend, Liz?” Trevor demanded with harsh eyes and a firm mouth.
A sickness rolled through me. I closed my eyes and steeled my courage. “This is Ben, Trevor. He’s a good friend. Ben, this is my brother-in-law, Trevor and my mother-in-law, Katherine.”
Ben stuck out his hand and greeted them politely. They did not seem charmed.
After an hour of standing in the drizzle, mostly silent with our own thoughts, we decided to go for some lunch. I chose a kid friendly place that the adults could enjoy too.
The meal was spent remembering Grady, sharing our memories and tears once again. We talked for the first time of details about the funeral. I realized that all of us had been in a daze during that time period, going through the motions, but not mentally present. Among us we were able to piece together a lot of the details and some really great moments from that time. The kids were wild, wound up after a subdued morning, but we didn’t mind their chaos. In fact, it broke the last of the graveside tension.
The peace only lasted until Ben excused himself for the restroom. He had been silent throughout the meal, taking in our conversation with thoughtful attentiveness. His hand had rested on the back of my chair throughout lunch and when he left, I felt his absence more than I should have.
“How did you meet, Ben?” Katherine asked softly. “I’ve never heard you speak of him before.”
Trevor glared at me while I answered, “He’s my neighbor. He moved in early September and over the last six months we’ve become very good friends.”
Trevor grunted derisively. I gave him a pleading look, begging him to understand that my actions weren’t done out of disrespect to his brother or lack of love. I had needs too. I had lonely places inside of me that needed a friend, that needed someone to care about me.
“He’s very nice, Liz,” Katherine smiled at me. “I’m glad you have someone you can lean on.”
I jerked back, surprised by her gracious reply. “Me too,” I whispered.
Katherine paid for lunch even though I tried to convince her to let me. She waved me off, not caring how much more right I had than she.