I thought it might be awkward between us after he asked me out and I turned him down. I shouldn’t have ever worried.
Ben would never let something as little as rejection stand in the way of our relationship. Not even more rejection. He’d continued to ask me out as another month passed.
He was never forceful about it. He had this gentle way about it that always made me feel comfortable enough to say no. And I always said no.
I should have ended things with him in every way. I didn’t want to lead him on. I cared too much for him to play games with him.
But I was also too selfish to let him go and he seemed in no hurry to escape me. He meant more to me than nearly anyone else. And if I was honest with myself, I knew I had feelings for him.
I just could never explore them.
I still loved my husband as fiercely as the day he died. It wouldn’t be fair to Grady, my kids or Ben for me to say yes. Besides, I knew Ben and I would not last long after a first date. Where could that possibly go? Marriage was out of the question. A long term relationship was out of the question. Sex was so far out of the question it made me laugh, and then seize up in fear and anxiety immediately after.
We had no future as a couple.
I didn’t want to mess up our friendship. It was too important to me.
I decided to keep the kids home from school today. It was a Tuesday, so the rest of the world went on as normal. I just couldn’t make them go.
Our world had stopped being normal a year ago.
No, longer than that. After Grady’s first diagnosis, things took an abrupt turn into the abnormal. And we’d pretty much set down roots there.
I got dressed and put on some light makeup. I made my way downstairs in a still quiet house and went about making breakfast.
The kids trickled into the kitchen, sleepy-eyed and tussled. I loved this picture of them. I loved their sleep-rumpled pajamas and lazy smiles. I loved that they walked straight to me and wrapped their arms around me as soon as they saw me, as if the very first thing they needed every day was my touch.
I kissed their wild hair and turned on some cartoons so I could focus on a great big breakfast of pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs and pre-made cinnamon rolls.
This day was going to be tough no matter how it went; I figured we should start off by glutting ourselves.
We ate quietly, except for Jace, who didn’t understand the significance of this day. He was just excited to have his siblings all home with him.
After breakfast, I bathed them and dressed them in nice clothes with bows for the girls and shiny shoes for the boys. And then I took them back downstairs and I gave them each a present.
I gave them all something of Grady’s.
I gave Blake his daddy’s basketball. Grady would often play Saturday morning ball with his guy friends at the local Y. He kept it in a gym bag in our closet and I hadn’t touched it until I thought about giving it to Blake. It smelled like leather and sweat. It smelled like Grady when he would come home after a few hours of playing, dripping wet and exhausted, but alive with an energy he only found with good friends and hard play.
For Abby, I found a boxset of The Hardy Boys in hardback. They were Grady’s from when he was a kid. His mom had brought them over when we first moved into this house and he had kept them on a shelf in the den. Abby was just now able to read well by herself and I thought she would love the mysteries and adventure, and even more, reading something that her daddy loved at her age.
Lucy was the hardest to find something of Grady’s that would mean something to her. But digging around in the den, I found a box that he had made in high school woodshop. He had stained it and carved his initials in the top, then attached the lid with hinges. It was hard to part with something that meaningful to him. He had kept it with him all of these years and I knew he was proud of his work even back then. My heart had screamed to keep it for myself, but I knew Lucy would grow to love it and treat it with as much care as he had. I told her we would put it some place safe and when she wanted to look at it, I would help her get it down.
I wanted to find something symbolically Grady, so that when Jace was older, he would know it was his dad’s without being able to attach a memory of him to it. But I couldn’t find anything that represented Grady without taping a picture to it. And then it hit me. Jace needed a picture of his daddy. I had one of my favorite pictures blown up and framed. Ben said he would hang it for me later in Jace’s room. The picture was of Grady sitting on a bench at work a few years ago. His chin was tilted high while he laughed at something off film. His green eyes sparkled with life and his tussled hair blew in the wind. He was breathtaking to me. I had been the one that took the picture. I had taken much younger kids with me to see where daddy worked and brought him lunch. I remembered rushing to capture the shot and falling in love with him all over again in that moment. It was an image of Grady I would always remember because it was so quintessentially him. Jace needed to see his daddy like that.
I knew the little ones wouldn’t understand the significance yet, but one day they would and they would learn to appreciate the value of what I gave them. I now had totes for each of them, compiled with gifts from Grady that I planned to give each year.
The totes gave me a sense of peace I hadn’t expected. I had left this house completely untouched after Grady died. His clothes still hung in the closets and his work boots still sat in the mudroom. They weren’t just his earthly possessions, they were pieces of him that I couldn’t imagine parting with.
Well, until now.
Now that his most important memories were packed away and waiting for my children, I thought it might be time. Maybe I could pack up his clothes and give them to someone who needed them. Maybe it was time to put his shoes away and empty the bathroom of his toiletries.
Maybe.