Walking back to my house, our hands gripped each other’s as if we were holding on for dear life. We stood on my front porch holding each other for a long time. I wasn’t going to be the one to let go first.
Noah whispered in my ear, “I need to go or I won’t, and I have to do this.”
“I know,” I choked out through my sobs.
He took a step back. Our faces were drenched in tears and our chests were heavy from our sobs. The look in his eyes held so many meanings… love, desperation, and the ache you have when you lose the love of your life.
He stared at me for a few long seconds. “Goodbye Tweet.”
“Goodbye Noah.”
He watched me as he walked backwards down the steps, drawing out our time together as much as possible. He lingered at the bottom for a moment as we continued to take each other in.
My lips barely moved when I whispered, “I love you.” For a split second, I thought he heard me, but then he turned away, and was gone.
I hated myself. The very thing I was trying to avoid happened. I lost Noah. I tried so hard to control the situation and keep our relationship unchanged that I didn’t notice him slipping through my fingers until it was too late. Noah’s happiness was the most important thing to me. I wanted him to be happy even if it meant I was miserable. It’s amazing how in just a few hours my entire world came crashing down around me and I just stood there watching it happen.
I think I might be a freak. At almost 18 years old, I have kissed one boy, one time. The only boy I have ever fantasized about is Noah, although, Zac Efron has made an appearance now and again. Yep, he’s a pretty, pretty, pretty boy. His eyes are insane. His hair is so shiny.
Zac and Amanda Efron. OH MY GOD!!! That sounds awesome!!
What was the point of this entry? Oh yeah, am I a freak because I haven’t had sex yet? A lot of girls at school have already had sex. I’ve had guys ask me out, but I always come up with some excuse not to go. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for, it’ just sex. It’s not a big deal. That’s a lie. It is a big deal, at least to me. I guess, ever since I found out what sex was, I always pictured Noah being my first, which is stupid because we’re not going there. I need to bite the bullet and at least go on a date.
I wonder if Zac Efron ever comes to SC. This entry sucks. Eh, I’m done. I got Zac brain.
Four months had passed since Noah and I had the “breakup” talk. I saw him at school, but we didn’t say much to each other. We stopped eating together during lunch period. He started sitting at the table with the baseball team. We were thrown together a few times when our families got together and somehow I got through it.
Beth hadn’t spoken to me since that day at her locker and from the eighteen page letter she wrote me, front and back, it appeared that the friendship was unsalvageable. That was fine by me. After all these years, to end it with a letter was so passive-aggressive of her. I mean, come on, doesn’t anyone have balls nowadays? She thought I had talked Noah out of any type of relationship with her, which was entirely true, but she didn’t know that for a fact. I was sad that she and I were no longer friends, but it didn’t affect me as much as not having Noah around. He and I were still technically friends. It just didn’t feel like we were right now. The three of us, who once spent the majority of our time together, had all gone our separate ways.
The summer was a little easier to avoid each other. Beth’s family went to Paris for their summer vacation. We were entering our senior year, and Noah and I kept busy visiting different college campuses, separately, of course, and he went off to baseball camp for the month of July.
For the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. I had my family, but it wasn’t the same. My averageness blossomed whenever I was around my sister for long periods of time. I could handle going to the movies or out to eat fairly well. Going to the beach was another story. Emily looked perfect in a bikini, surprise, surprise. I had no problem going places by myself, but it helped to get my mind off Noah if I went with someone. Since Beth was out of the picture, Emily was the chosen one. My sister tried to get me to open up to her about what was bothering me, but what was I supposed to say?
Um…Emily, ever since I can remember, I’ve felt extremely inadequate in all aspects of my life-looks, personality, intelligence, worthiness. Because of the hold my insecurities have on me, I can’t give myself to the one person I want to, my best friend. I tried to control the relationship and keep it the same, so we’d remain friends. I ended up losing him anyway. I’m an idiot. Oh, did I mention that a lot of this is due to you being so perfect?
I didn’t hate my sister for being perfect and beautiful. She deserved all the love and attention she got. I just wished I had been born first and had gotten her life. Maybe if I had, I would be with Noah right now.
I don’t know when exactly my relationship with Noah changed. It had transformed into some weird hybrid, more than best friends, but not a couple. I think we were always more than best friends. Our feelings for one another were deeper. We called each other best friends because we didn’t know what other label to put on it.
Being away from him didn’t lessen my need or want for him. If anything, they intensified. I missed all of him and everything about him- his smile, his voice, his hugs, and the ways he made me laugh. The time we spent at our spot talking about anything and everything. The irony of the situation is that I spent so much time and energy trying to keep things the same between us, so I wouldn’t lose him, and it backfired. Instead of keeping him by my side, I pushed him away completely. I desperately needed my best friend now, to talk to and help me through this, but I couldn’t have him.
I finally came to the realization that I had to try and move past this. I didn’t want to let my senior year evaporate before my eyes and not enjoy it. I needed to spread my wings. Have new experiences with new people.
Brad Johnson had moved here during our freshman year. He was a mighty fine specimen of young manhood. His hair was dirty-blonde and cut short. He obviously paid a lot of attention to it. It was cut close on the sides. The top was a little longer and worked into a tousled chunky style. His eyes were sapphire blue. They were very pretty, but not beautiful like Noah’s. Brad was at least six feet in height, same as Noah. He was on the baseball team, so he had a great body and he knew how to dress it. His clothes always showed how toned his chest and abs were. I didn’t know if his abs sported a six pack like Noah’s did, but I could tell his chest wasn’t as broad as Noah’s. His arms were muscular, but not overly so, and his hands were large. I figured that might be one reason he was a good baseball player. Big hands would seem like an asset to me.
Brad and I were not friends, or for that matter acquaintances. Except for an occasional ‘hi’, we had never spoken to each other. Even though I didn’t know him, personally, I had heard things about him. His reputation left a lot to be desired. The gossip was basically, that he was a spoiled rich brat who lied and cheated his way through life as well as girls. I had made a pact with myself to abstain from listening to gossip. After all, I was a mature high school senior. Gossip was for the immature. Besides, I had endured years of rumors about Noah and I that were false. Plus, there had been rumors off and on about Noah and Brittani that I knew for a fact were not true. I was going to keep an open mind about Brad, not letting others influence me. Everyone deserves a chance.