They say the human body is made up of seventy percent water. Today I have expelled sixty-nine point nine percent through tears and snot. Sobbing uncontrollably is not a very pretty or
lady like thing to do.
The only thought I had in my head was, “What the f*ck just happened?”
I had been lying in my bed for almost an hour and I still couldn’t wrap my head around what took place at Noah’s house. I had never seen him that angry or heartbroken. He had never talked to me that way before. I couldn’t blame him for being so angry with me. I knew I had no right telling him who he could date. I just couldn’t bear the thought of someone else having that part of him.
My thoughts began to drift, wondering what Noah and Beth were doing right now. Did he already tell her that he doesn’t love her? Did she take it well or did she slap him in the face and storm out? I wondered if she was over there cooking dinner for him. Was she standing at the stove, stirring some putrid concoction she made up while he watched her stir? Has he walked up behind her, placing his hands on her hips, then sliding them up and around to her stomach, wrapping his strong arms around her waist, pushing her back against him, so she could feel how excited he was to have her cooking for him? I had to stop torturing myself.
I reached over and grabbed my ear buds off the nightstand, crammed them into my ears, and connected them to my cellphone. The D-Bags blasted through my head. Kellan’s voice always soothed me. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the lyrics.
I must have fallen asleep. I was barely conscious when I realized the music wasn’t blasting through my ear buds and my bed felt slightly sunken in, as if someone were sitting on the side of it. I wasn’t alarmed. I knew who was sitting beside me without even looking. My eyes peeked open slightly and I saw Noah watching me. His eyes were glistening with tears and his expression was slack with sadness. I stayed still and shut my eyes.
“I know you’re not sleeping,” Noah whispered, as he cleared his throat, his voice sounding deflated.
I opened my eyes and looked up at his beautiful sad face.
“How long have you been here?” I choked out.
“I don’t know, not long.”
“What are you doing here?” I whispered.
The one thing Noah and I couldn’t stand was to be angry at each other. We had only been mad at each other a couple of times, but nothing had come close to what happened tonight. I knew we would eventually fix things between us.
I sat up, coming face-to-face with him. We stared at each other for a moment. I broke our silence. “What about Beth?” I asked cautiously.
“She’s not coming over. We’re done.”
“Why?”
“I told her there was someone else.”
I let out a deep sigh. I knew he could tell by the look in my eyes how relieved I was.
“Come on, it’s cake time,” he said, a slight smile forming across his face. He tilted his chin toward my nightstand where a paper plate with a huge piece of chocolate cake wrapped in plastic wrap, and a fork sat. “Let’s go to the park.”
I wasn’t sure why he wanted to go all the way to our spot. There was no one else at home, so we could talk without anyone barging in on us.
He stood up and held out his hand to me, helping me up off the bed. Without saying a word, his arms were around me, holding me tight against his broad chest. My hands rested on his muscular upper arms. Our faces were an inch apart. We were looking at each other with hypnotic intensity. It made me uncomfortable, I felt completely vulnerable, but I couldn’t blink or look away. Slowly Noah lowered his head towards mine. Our foreheads touched.
His eyes were closed when he whispered in a low gravelly voice. “I’m so sorry. I never should have said any of that stuff to you. Please, don’t be mad at me, Tweet.”
My hands slowly moved up his biceps, over his shoulders, finally landing behind his neck. He bent down slightly, allowing both of us the ability to nuzzle into each other’s neck. I held on to him as tight as possible and whispered in his ear, “I’m so sorry, Noah, for everything. I don’t know how to change and make things better.”
I felt his arms tighten around me as he buried his face deeper into my neck, his lips resting against my skin.
We stood there holding each other for a long while, neither one of us wanting to break free. Finally, Noah pulled his head away and said, “I think it’s time for cake.”
He picked up the cake, grabbed my hand, and we headed out.
Once at the park, we didn’t go to our spot. Instead, Noah headed to the playground area. We sat in two swings that were side by side. I watched in silence as he unwrapped the cake and then handed me the fork. I stabbed the part covered in the most frosting, of course. I put the fork in my mouth then pulled it out slowly as I made a slight moan, my teeth and lips tightened around it. I wanted to make sure I got every bit of frosting. I noticed Noah staring at my mouth. Once the fork left my lips, I tilted my head back looking up at the stars.
“Your mom buys the best cakes,” I said, holding the fork out between us indicating it was his turn.
He took a large gulp of air. “You really know how to eat cake.”
We sat there in silence, passing the fork between us until the cake was gone. As Noah was throwing our trash away, I thought this wasn’t as awkward as I thought it was going to be. We’ll go home, wake up tomorrow and all will be right with the world. Everything will be back to normal.
As he approached, I stood thinking we were headed home. Noah stopped a couple of feet from me. He looked so somber. His voice was barely a whisper when he said, “We need to talk, Tweet.” My stomach immediately dropped to the center of the earth. I wanted to run back home to my room and hide under the covers.
We sat back down on the swings, but Noah made no attempt to initiate the conversation. I had a sinking feeling I was about to lose the most important person in my life.The silence was suffocating me. I could feel my throat begin to close and it became harder to breath. I decided to speak first before I passed out. “Why are we sitting over here?”
“I didn’t want to talk at your house or our spot.”
“Why?”
He took a deep breath. “Since you left my house, all I can see when I walk into the family room is you sitting on the floor, screaming and crying,” he said.
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t want you to have the same pain as I do whenever you’re in your room or at our spot.” Just when I thought I had no more tears to shed, I felt them forming. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be around each other for a while,” his voice cracked.
I felt all the oxygen rush out of my lungs and my head began to throb. I knew the argument earlier was the worst we had ever had, but I didn’t think he’d want to get rid of me. My eyes felt like they were the size of saucers. My tears were getting harder and harder to hold back. I needed clarification of his statement. Maybe he meant something entirely different than what I heard. I mean, even though we have a strong connection we are of the opposite sex. Men and women misinterpret each other all the time.
For the second time today, a thousand responses flew across my mind in a nanosecond, but only one word escaped my lips. “Why?”
Noah’s deep gaze focused on me, with tears glossing over his eyes. He hesitated before clearing his throat. His voice was so low and husky I had a hard time hearing him. “I think you know why.”
“I think I do too, but I’d like to hear it from you, just in case I’m wrong.”
Fear and apprehension crossed his face before speaking. “Tweet, I don’t know,” he paused. “This thing is confusing.”
“What thing?”
He pointed back and forth between us. “This thing between us. It’s so different.”
“Different good or different bad?” I kept asking questions I already knew the answer to, desperately trying to prolong our time together. I knew exactly what was happening. I was losing my soul mate because I was so f*cked up in the head and I didn’t know how to change it.
“Different confusing. I know you’ve always been down on yourself. I know you think you’re doing what’s best for me. I hate that you think so little of yourself and I hate that you don’t think we belong together. I’ve tried to be around you and stay in the friend zone. I’ve tried so f*cking hard.” Tears were flowing freely down both our faces. “I can’t be around you right now. It hurts too much, because I am so completely and desperately in love you, Tweet.”
Tell him how much you love him, Amanda. Stop being such a f*ck up and say it. He loves you and wants you. You’re losing him. What is wrong with you? Stop sitting here and say something.
“There hasn’t been a day in my life that I haven’t loved you. I wish you would just let me love you,” he said.
He brought his hand up to my face and stroked it gently. Bringing our foreheads to rest together, he whispered. “You will always be the most important thing in my life. I’ll always be there for you no matter what or who. I have no past without you and I can’t imagine a future that doesn’t include you. I just need some time to figure out how I can have you in my life without having you be my life.”
Closing my eyes, I tried to compose myself. I was barely able to speak. I opened them and gazed at Noah. I brought my right hand up to his face, caressing from his cheek to his jaw. “I’m so sorry.”