Daily affirmations are… What’s the word? Oh yeah, BULLSHIT.
There are thousands and thousands of books trying to convince you how wonderful you are. The authors don’t know you. How could they possibly affirm that you’re good enough, just the way you are? There are a lot of pure unadulterated losers in the world. (Holla to my peeps!).
These books are filled with, a one size fits all mentality. Besides, I’m suspicious of people who say they love everyone for who they are. It smacks of cultism.
(Smacks is a funny word. Smacks… smacks… smacks…Sounds like a kid eating. Oh great…Now I’m hungry.)
Then the kumbaya authors say you can make up an affirmation that fits your personality and say this to yourself throughout the day. Even if I came up with my own positive affirmation, why would I listen to myself? What do I know? I’m a freaking loser. If I could talk myself into feeling better about myself, I wouldn’t have purchased your stupid books.
(Wonder if there’re still cheese doodles in the pantry.)
Since kindergarten, I have worked my ass off to achieve my goals. I wasn’t a natural at anything. As much time and effort as I put into a project, I always fell short. If I aimed for an A+ in a class, I would get an A-. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Why do I have this compulsion for perfection? I know in my mind, I won’t achieve it, but need kicks in and overpowers any logical thoughts. I can always find a flaw in everything I do, and when that happens, the cycle begins.
I wallow in my feelings of inadequacy and mediocrity for several days. When I can’t stand myself any longer, I give myself a pep talk. I tell myself that this is a vicious cycle that I need to stop. The only thing it accomplishes is making me feel worse. That pep talk usually lasts me for about an hour before the cycle begins again. I don’t know how to stop something that is so engrained in who I am.
When my parents praised Emily for a job well done, I could hear the pride and excitement in their voices. When I received any praise from them, I thought I heard disappointment in their voices. I knew they weren’t disappointed in me, but somehow I detected a certain tone or inflection in their voice that made me feel as if I had let them down.
When you can trace your feelings of inadequacy back to a specific event that you can pinpoint, you’re able to see it from a different perspective as you get older, and possibly change your viewpoint. When these feelings seep into the makeup of your personality little by little, year after year, you don’t realize when they’ve taken over until they prevent you from getting something or someone you want more than anything in the world, and then it’s too late.
I believe my parents took pride in me to a certain degree. It just didn’t feel the same to me as their pride in Emily. They saw all the hard work I put into school. When I fell short of perfect, which I always did, I could see pity in their eyes. They felt sorry for me.
School was all I had. I didn’t take part in a sport, I didn’t dance, nor play an instrument. I studied. That was my thing. Emily, however, excelled at everything. She was a great student, basketball player, and a great dancer. Being proud of Emily was effortless, since there was a lot to choose from.
For the past two years I had taken extra classes during the summer to get ahead. Now, in my junior year, my schedule allowed me to have a free period at the end of the day. Sometimes I left early, but more often than not I stayed and went to study hall to finish homework or to the journalism classroom to finish up on any article I was working on. Somehow I had gotten rooked into a study group with Stacy and Kim from my American Government class. We met once a week during study hall, which they were required to attend.
I was at the table glancing over the chapters we were being tested on next week, when Tweedledee and Tweedledum came bopping in. They took their regular seats at our table. Neither one of them said a word to me at first. I glanced up. There was a look of sympathy across their faces. I didn’t know these two very well, but they didn’t strike me as very caring people. Stacy’s nickname was princess, Kim’s nickname was duchess, and from the way they acted, I think they had deluded themselves into believing they were actual royalty. They loved to spread gossip and stir up trouble.
Stacey, tilted her head slightly to the side, giving me a weak smile, she sighed deeply. “Things will get better you know.”
She exchanged a knowing glance with Kim who nodded in agreement. They turned their attention back on to me. Kim, who was sitting directly across from me, reached her hand across the table, touching the top of mine. “I realize we don’t know each other very well, but we want you to know, you’re not alone.”
“That’s right. We’re here to listen whenever you need us to. In fact, we can exchange numbers so you can get in touch with one of us at all times.” Stacey offered up another deep sigh and tilt of the head.
I felt like I had entered the Twilight Zone. I was completely baffled, but curious. I looked back and forth between them a few times before I asked, “What are you two talking about?”
Again, they gave each other a knowing glance. When they turned back to me, they tilted their heads in the opposite direction from each other. Kim leaned in closer to the table and loudly whispered, “We heard about Noah and Beth.”
As soon as the bell rang I bolted from the classroom. I walked quickly with purpose down the hall towards the lockers. My nails were digging into my palm due to the tight grip I had on the strap of my backpack. I felt the heat rising inside me from the anger and betrayal I was experiencing over what I had just heard moments ago. Beth was facing her locker when I walked up. I stood there in silence, waiting for her to turn around. She was startled when she saw me.
“God, Amanda! You scared the shit out of me.”
“You and Noah are dating?” It came out as an accusation.
Beth looked around, making sure no one was close enough to hear. Biting her lip and fidgeting with her purse strap, she said quietly, “Um…..yeah…kind of.”
“When the f*ck did this happen?” I bit out. My anger was palpable.
“Do you really want to talk about this right now? Right here?”
I looked up and down the hall. Students had all but disappeared, leaving Beth and I alone. I crossed my arms in front of me and stood firm. “Answer my question. When. Did. This. Happen?” I said slowly through gritted teeth, clipping each word.
“Um….Well…Let’s see. I’m not really sure,” she stumbled over her words, trying to buy time.
“Quit stalling.” I was getting more and more impatient. Narrowing my eyes, my voice strained, I asked, “When?”
“A little while ago.”
“How long is a little while?”
Looking down, she began twisting the ring on her right hand. She did that whenever she was nervous. She hesitated for a few moments before answering. “About a month.”
My body stiffened. The air completely pushed out of my lungs. “Both of you have been lying to me for a month?” I already knew the answer was yes. I just needed to hear her admit it.
“We never lied to you, Amanda.” She looked everywhere except at me.
“You kept it from me. I’ve been around the two of you and never noticed anything different.”
“I wanted to tell to you when it first started, but Noah said no.” Her eyes narrowed slightly as her lips pursed into a straight line.
With each piece of information that dribbled out of her mouth, I felt my body stiffen more. My voice had become robotic. It was as if my entire self was shutting down physically, mentally, and emotionally. But, I couldn’t seem to stop my mouth from asking questions that I knew the answers would destroy me.
“You want to know how I found out? Stacey and Kim told me. They gave me their sympathy and now want to be BFFs. Apparently everyone knew about this, except me.”
“They saw us at the movies a couple of days ago. I guess they figured something was up.” She still wouldn’t make eye contact with me as she went from twisting her ring to fidgeting with the strap on her purse.
“How would they figure that out?” I asked.
“Because I was holding Noah’s hand.”
I could feel the vibrations start to take over my body. I didn’t have much time left before I crumbled. I hadn’t processed the fact that Beth and Noah were together yet, let alone that they would have physical contact.
“There are a hundred guys at this school. You could have had any one of them. Why did it have to be Noah?”
“You know I’ve always liked him. He’s sweet, fun, popular...”
“AND MINE!” I yelled. That was the first crack in my already fragile foundation.
“You need to calm down,” she paused for a moment. Squaring her shoulders, she looked me directly in the eye now. “Look Amanda. I know you and Noah had this bond or whatever when you were kids, but...”
“Have,” I interrupted.
“What?”
“We have a bond. It’s not past tense,” I insisted.
“Yeah. Well, it was cute when we were kids, but we’re not kids anymore. I’ve never understood this thing between the two of you, anyway. But, did you really think he was going to be with you forever? Noah’s one of the hottest guys at this school. I don’t know a girl here that doesn’t want to hook up with him. I don’t mean to sound harsh. You’re my friend and I love you, but it’s time to grow up.”
I hated it, but I knew she was right. I had convinced myself that Noah would always be mine. I knew he had been on dates with a few girls. I didn’t like it, but I dealt with it as best I could. He never seriously dated anyone before. It never crossed my mind that he would.
“I know,” I whispered.
Inhaling and exhaling a deep breath, Beth said, “I think I’m in love with him, Amanda.”
That was crack number two in my foundation. I continued to stare in her direction. I wasn’t really looking at her. I wasn’t looking at anything. My mind was numb. I had information overload. I couldn’t listen to anymore. I saw her mouth moving and heard sound come out of it, but it was muffled. It felt like I was under water. She just kept moving her mouth, never waiting on any reply from me. She reached out and touched my arm breaking me from my daze.
“I might as well go ahead and tell you everything. You know, pull the band aid off quick. I’m staying over at his house tonight.” She saw the look of confusion on my face. “His parents are out of town for the weekend.”
“I know. They’re going with my parents. They take this trip every year together.”
She looked around nervously. Leaning closer to me, she whispered, “I’m going to have sex with him tonight.”
That was crack number three of my foundation. Beth was completely clueless how her words were affecting me. She kept rambling on as I stood there, immobile. This was the most surreal experience I had ever had. Beth. Noah. Sex. Love. It played on a continuous loop in my head.
“I’ve been dying to tell you. I thought you could help me out. I wanted to surprise him and cook dinner tonight.” I still had no idea why she kept talking. “I figured you’d know what his favorite foods are. Amanda, are you okay? Your eyes look weird.”
I had been hurt and jealous, but somewhere between her saying, “I’m going to have sex with him and tell me his favorite food”, I got pissed. Good ‘ol fashion pull your hair, spit in your face pissed. “I’m not going to help you have sex with Noah.”
“I’m just asking you to tell me his favorite foods.”
“You’ve dated for a month. You’ve never eaten together?” The sarcasm flowed from my mouth. I started to get the feeling back in my body as the adrenalin surged through me. I had been clutching the strap of my backpack the entire time so tight my knuckles were completely white. My heart was pounding so hard and fast, I thought it was going to break through my chest. I narrowed my eyes at Beth. She could tell there had been a shift in me.
“I know your pissed that we didn’t tell you, but don’t tell me you’re pissed off because Noah and I are together?” She looked away, huffed, and rolled her eyes. “You’re a piece of work, you know that. You don’t want him, but you don’t want anyone else to have him either. I’ve asked you more than once if you liked Noah, and you’ve always said, just as a friend. Well, I like him more than just a friend. I want him to be my first and he’s going to be. If you wanted him as your boyfriend you should have done something a long time ago. You blew it. You missed your chance with Noah and now he’s mine. We’re together, so deal with it.”
“I’m not even sure you are together. Noah tells me everything. He’s never mentioned you once.”
Heat started to course through me. I felt my chin start to quiver while the tears were building up at the edge of my eyes. My hands started to shake. I knew my time was up. I couldn’t stand there any longer and listen to Beth talk about Noah and her.
She glared at me with a smug look. “Oh, I assure you, we are together. I’ve had the sore lips to prove it, so if you…”
Those were the last words before the final tremor shot through me, shaking my foundation, causing me to crumple completely. I turned on my heels cutting her off abruptly. I had to get away as fast as I could before the tears started to spill out and cover my cheeks.
I forcefully swung open the school door and headed straight to my car. The velocity from the time I left Beth to the time I got home and in my room was so hypersonic it was like one continuous motion. I didn’t stop moving until I flopped on to my bed.
Wiping the tears away with the back of my sleeve, I tried to steady my breathing. I hadn’t noticed how out of breath I was until I was still.
I should have kept moving, because once I stopped my mind went into overdrive.
I was losing Noah. Our friendship wasn’t enough for him anymore. I wasn’t enough for him anymore. I knew this would happen someday. I just didn’t think it would be today, and I sure as hell didn’t think it would be with Beth. I felt betrayed, angry, and tossed aside. I didn’t answer Beth when she asked if I was pissed because they lied or because they were together. Truth is I got over being lied to three seconds after I heard her say she loved him.
I didn’t want them to be together. I wasn’t ready. I knew I couldn’t have him, but I didn’t want anyone else to have him either, not yet. I know that’s irrational, but logical thinking was not part of my life right now. I can’t lose him. He’s the only thing that’s all mine.