Chapter 19
~ January 2013 ~
~ Hayley ~
The funny thing about life and time is that no matter how much hurt or loss you experience, they both continue moving forward, and you can choose to fall behind or pick yourself up. I can’t deny my feelings for Cameron, or their depth, but I feel like walking away from him all those weeks ago at his father’s memorial service was my declaration of defeat. I hated giving in, letting both him and Rachel win, but when presented with the choice between humiliation and self-preservation, the need to protect myself wins out every time. I can’t risk making selfish decisions when my past could very well resurface, and unfortunately, Ari would be dragged into the messy crossfire just because she was born. I still love Cameron, but in my mind, I’ve rationalized that it wouldn’t have worked out anyway, and that Cameron would have moved on once he got bored with me.
I walk through the front door of my grandmother’s house and toss my bag onto the floor with a thud. I’m exhausted after a long day of classes, but find that throwing myself into schoolwork has given me a much-needed escape from missing Cameron, both physically and emotionally. I thought it would be better by now, but who am I kidding? Some people spend a lifetime trying to get over their first loves and right now, I feel like one of them.
My grandmother is standing in front of the stove, with her sunny yellow apron around her waist, and singing along to some old country song. Ari is propped up in her high chair, watching my grandmother while she makes food, and sings along. I laugh quietly when she starts making up her own song, instead of going along to the tune playing on the radio in the kitchen. My little rebel child. She has a mind of her own, even at this tender age, and I hope she will use it to make smarter choices some day.
“Mommy!” she squeals, wriggling in her high chair until I pick her up.
“Hi monkey pants.” I kiss her on the forehead and bend to kiss my grandmother on the cheek.
“How was your day, sweetheart?” my grandmother asks. She looks away from the pot of spaghetti in front of her and up at me. We both know what she’s really asking, and rather than lie to woman who has a built in bullshit detector, I tell the truth.
“Long, but I’m okay today, Gama. I wish you wouldn’t worry about me so much though.”
Her forehead wrinkles a little more as her brows dip into a half grown half scowl. “I will never stop worrying about you, Hayley. Never. You’ve had a rough time lately, and I will keep asking you how are until I can tell for sure you’re not lying about being okay.”
Sighing, I lean my hip against the counter and look my grandmother in the eye. “I’m really okay today, Gama. I promise. In fact, it’s been one of the best days I’ve had in a while.”
Her mouth curves into a sad smile. “I love you baby girl, and it hurts me to see you hurting. I wish I could it away from you, but this is one of life’s lessons that you have to experience for yourself in order to learn from it.”
“I know, Gama. One day at a time, right?”
Her hand cups my cheek. “That’s my girl.”
Gama goes back to making some meatballs and I stand beside her in a comfortable silence, with Ari in my arms. She takes strands of my hair and plays with it, talking happily to no one but herself. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect child, I tell myself. My heart beats for this little person in my arms, and she’s the reason I wake up every morning ready to try again. I didn’t know the meaning of the term selfless, until I experienced the impossible kind of love that just happened after I held her in my arms for the first time. I might’ve lost Cameron, but maybe some day I’ll find a man who is capable of the kind of love that Ari and I need.
“Are you sure you girls will be okay on your own tonight?”
I smile at my grandmother. “Yes, Gama, we’ll be fine. I’m just bummed we’ll miss your delicious spaghetti and meatballs.”
“I’ll make it again sweetheart. The old folks at the retirement home have been looking forward to a decent home cooked meal for weeks, and I promised I’d make my spaghetti and meatballs.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a boy toy there, Gama?” I tease, arching a brow. She swats me with a dishcloth and I laugh. It’s a strange sensation, but most welcome.
“Don’t be silly! I’ve told you before, those men are too old and hopped up on Viagra. No thanks.”
“Viagra!” Ari repeats. “Viagra! Viagra! Viagra!”
My grandmother and I look at each other for a moment before being overcome with a fit of laughter. My eyes water and I feel the tension from the last few weeks leave my body. It feels good, to laugh and to smile, and I can’t help by think that everything will be ok.
My grandmother wipes her tears, and shakes her head playfully at Ari. “So, what are you girls going to do for dinner?” she asks, wiping her hands and taking off her apron. She takes the spaghetti of the stove and strains it before checking on the meatballs. The kitchen is swarming with a delicious scent and the mention of dinner makes my belly grumble. Ari giggles and I pinch her nose.
“Uh,” I look back at my grandmother. “I think I’ll grab us some take out from Joe’s.”
“I shouldn’t be home late.”
“Oh don’t come home early on our account,” I wink. “Your boy toy deserves a little more time with you.”
My grandmother tsk’s and shakes her head again, her mouth dipping into a small smile. “Let me get this food into some dishes before I’m tempted to whack you with my dishcloth again.”
Ari yawns, resting her head on my shoulder. “Okay, Gama. I’m going to take a nap with Ari for a while. See you later?”
She nods and kisses both Ari and me on the cheek before I make my way up to my room. I lay Ari down, pulling her as close to me as I can and listen to her breathing change. My eyelids flutter closed and soon I’m dreaming. About nothing. About everything.
“Are you ready to go, monkey pants?” I look at Ari, standing in the entryway with her thick pink jacket on. She looks like a marshmallow. Her brown curls bounce as she nods and she takes my hand so that we can walk to the car. I strap her into her high chair and take a drive to Joe’s diner. It’s busy for a Thursday night and I recognize quite a few people from some of my classes. I pick Ari up and walk in, not paying much attention to who fills the tables. I’m looking at a menu when Ari catches sight of something over my shoulder and starts squirming in my arms. Not thinking much of it, I place her back on her feet and go back to perusing the menu. When she takes off running and yells, “Cam!” I feel my heart stutter and stop. I turn around slowly, but just in time to see Cameron catch Ari. He’s sitting at a booth, and I see Hannah’s eyes grow wide when I spot her. Her expression is panicked, and I don’t understand why until my gaze travels over the other faces at their table.
Please, no….no no no no no.
The floor drops out from under my feet and the contents of my stomach bubbles up into my throat, cutting off my air. This isn’t happening, I chant. This can’t happen. I recognize the tightening of my chest and the inability to inhale a full breath as panic. Sheer panic. I stand still, as if time itself has slowed around me. All the sounds around me are distant, except one.
“Hi, princess,” Cameron says, pulling Ari onto his lap. He smiles down at her and it’s a real, genuine smile.
Everything seems fine, since no one else around the table has taken notice of me, but then Cameron looks up to find me and everyone follows suit.
Kyle’s eyes find me next, growing wide with shock, followed by Kimber’s and Rachel’s. Kyle’s dirty blonde hair still hangs in his eyes, and he looks broader, more muscular then he was in high school. Kimber’s hair is still over-dyed, just like Rachel’s, and she too looks much the same as she did when we last saw each other.
“Hayley?” Kimber’s voice screeches, all nasally and exactly how I remember it.
“You know each other?” Cameron asks, looking between us.
I don’t answer him. I can’t. The bad feeling I have is crippling, and has wrapped itself around my vocal cords.
Kimber answers, “We went to high school together.”
I look at Hannah, silently pleading her to help me get out of here unharmed, even when I know any effort to do so will be futile.
“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” Kimber says. The tone of her voice makes every hair on the back of my neck stand up. She takes a look at Ari, and sneers. “And I see it didn’t take long for you to get knocked up. Always knew those one-night stands would catch up to you.” I should’ve known it wouldn’t take her long to start. Simply looking at me was enough provocation for her and clearly that hasn’t changed.
I suck in a breath, cursing my stupid lungs when they just won’t work. My eyes dart to Cameron, only to find him staring at me. In fact, every pair of eyes are on me, except Kyle’s. He’s observing Ari, studying her face and the eyes she inherited from him. Shit.
Deciding now’s the best time to leave, I move closer. “Ari, baby, let’s go.”
“No mommy,” Ari protests, grabbing hold of Cameron’s long sleeve navy shirt. “I stay wif Cam.”
Kimber props her arms on the table with a thud. “So, who’s the unlucky man who got to father…” she waves her hand dismissively in Ari’s direction, where she sits on Cameron’s lap. “This?”
I clench my fists, my panic being overshadowed by a growing anger. “This,” I say, motioning to Ari. “Is my daughter, and you can say what ever you want to me, but don’t you dare say anything about her.”
“Why so defensive, Hayls?” Kimber taunts. “I just asked who your ‘baby daddy’ is,” she pauses. “Unless you don’t know who he is.”
“Why don’t you just shut the f*ck up?” Hannah snaps. The diner goes quiet but it doesn’t stop her from continuing. “You weren’t even invited, so why don’t you just throw yourself out with the rest of the trash out back?”
Kimber has the audacity to look affronted and throws a scowl in Hannah’s direction. “Somebody get me a leash, the dog is loose.”
Hannah’s mouth drops open. She looks ready to fly across the table and strangle the life out of Kimber’s body. If only.
“Hannah,” I say, reigning in my anger. “It’s not worth it.”
I reach my arms out to Ari and this time she comes willingly. I turn around to leave when Kimber says, “I’d also be ashamed if I were you.”
Turning to face her, I stand taller and straighten my shoulders. “Excuse me?”
She rolls her eyes. “You heard me. I said I’d also be ashamed if I were you.”
“Of what?” I ask. “Having a child?”
“Among other things.”
“Enough,” Kyle growls. “Stop, Kimber. Now.”
It’s the first time anyone else has said anything and I wasn’t expecting it to be Kyle. But now that Kimber has opened that door, he has no choice. Kimber bristles and beside her Rachel looks uncomfortable. Noah fidgets with a napkin and when I risk a glance at Cameron, he's looking away from me. But I see the way his jaw ticks. He's angry. But with whom?
“Hayley, I think you need to go. Take Ari home,” Cameron says.
“No Hayley, don’t go. We were just starting to catch up,” Kimber intercedes. “You were going to tell us who little Ari belongs to.”
That’s it. There’s no way I can walk away and let her have the last word. We’re not in high school anymore and I’m not about to allow her the chance to sneer at Ari with disgust.
“She belongs to me, what else matters?”
“Oh it doesn’t, but I’m just curious if her father only slept with you because he did know about your sex tape or because he didn’t know about it.”
And there it is. The proverbial ‘skeleton in my closet.’ Hannah gasps, Noah chokes on his soda, and Cameron’s expression remains, to my surprise, eerily impassive. My throat starts closing up and my eyes start to burn. I look down at Ari and humiliation is the last thing I feel when her eyes connect with mine. No matter what, I can never regret her. It was one night, one stupid decision, and yet, it leads me to the most precious of consequences. Her.
Cameron’s voice breaks through the deafening silence that has suddenly fallen around me. “Is it true?”
I meet his cold gaze and square my shoulders. “Yes,” I choke out, barely keeping my weary emotions at bay. Cameron and I aren’t together anymore, so what does it matter now? “It was my senior year of high school.”
Hannah stands and jumps over the back of the booth. She comes to my side and in this moment I can’t be more grateful for her support. She already knows everything, so this is of no surprise to her.
I hand Ari over to Hannah. “Please take her to the car, I’ll be there in a minute.”
Hannah walks away and Ari waves at Cam from over Hannah’s shoulder. “Bye Cam. Wuv you.”
Cameron waves. “Bye Princess. I love you too,” he whispers. My heart sputters and I feel the ache deep within my bones. Minutes pass and they feel like hours. My stomach is in knots and this has proven to be too much to deal with a second time. So I make a choice - now that’s out in the open, I can let it go and leave the shame, and indignity that I’ve carried for so long in the past, where it belongs.
“How old is she?” Kyle asks abruptly.
“Two and a half,” I reply.
He thinks on it for a minute, and I can hear him trying to figure it out. “But that means…”
“She was born eight weeks early, in July 2012.”
He swallows hard, recalculating it in his head. “She’s mine,” he states with a shaky voice. “F*ck me, she’s mine.”
I nod, “Yes.”
Kyle starts to speak but I beat him to it. “I forgive you,” I tell Kimber. “I know why you did it.”
“Did what?”
“Recorded that video of me and Kyle. I know why you did it. And I forgive you.” Her face drops, realization making it’s way into her eyes.
Having had enough of this conversation, I turn my back on them and walk out the diner quickly, fumbling with my keys when I get to my car. Hannah is leaning against the back passenger door, holding Ari.
“Hayley!” I don’t need to turn around to know its Cameron. I could be a deaf mute and still know that voice. Without looking at Hannah, I ask her to get Ari into her car seat. I keep my back to Cameron, hoping he’ll get the hint that I don’t want to talk.
“You lied to me,” he says angrily. “You told me Ari’s father wasn’t in the picture. Why?” He’s talking about Kyle, which I find odd considering what he’s just found out about my past.
I spin around and my words come out rushed, thick with indignation. “I told you he wasn’t in the picture, and he isn’t.”
“You didn’t tell me he has no f*cking idea that she even exists!” he snaps.
I step closer, until his heaving chest brushes against mine. “It was never about you. It was about Ari, and protecting het from my past, and my mistakes. I wish I could tell you that I regret not telling you, but I don’t. And what does it matter to you now anyway? You’ve clearly moved on.”
Cameron’s jaw does that ticking thing again and he knits his brows in what I can only interpret as confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“You and Rachel. She told me you started calling her after your dad died, which is why you never responded to my calls or texts.”
Cameron’s face twists as rage creeps across his stoic features. “She said what?”
I sigh. “I’m tired Cameron, and I need to get Ari home. I really think you need to talk to Rachel about this.”
“But I’m asking you, Buttercup.” Cameron recognizes his mistake, calling me Buttercup, but his tone is soft and takes on a hint of that caressing quality that still makes my insides go all gooey.
“Why is it so important?”
“Because I f*cking miss you, and I’m trying to figure all this shit out. I wanted to talk to you after dad’s memorial service, but you couldn’t get away from me fast enough.”
“I miss you too,” I whisper, looking down. “But I can’t do this right now, Cam. Please. I’ve had as much as I can handle for one night.”
Cameron’s hand comes up, as if to touch me, but he thinks better of it. It feels too awkward with him, too unnatural after everything that has transpired between us. His shoulders sag and he rubs his nape. “Okay.”
Our eyes stay locked for a second, and it’s long enough for me to catch the silent hope that sparks in the depths of his irises. He backs away so that I can get into my car. Hannah is in the passenger seat and by now I know it means wherever I’m going, she’s going too. I look out my window one last time, and see that Cameron has already disappeared. I start the car and pull out of the parking lot, heading home, even though Ari and I haven’t eaten yet. But all I’m thinking about is what’s going through Cameron’s mind after finding out about my history, and if it would stop him from giving us another try. Do I want us to try again?
** ** ** ** **
I stir from my restless sleep and hear Ari’s giggles travel up the stairs. “Should we wake your mommy up?” I hear Hannah ask. She opens my door, and peeks inside.
“Wake up, mommy!” Ari chimes. Hannah tosses her onto the bed and she laughs as she crawls over to me. I sit up and Ari falls into my lap.
“Has aunty Hannah been giving you sugar all morning?” I tease, tickling Ari’s ribs gently. She wiggles around and flops onto her side. Hannah takes a seat on the edge of my bed. “I made waffles for breakfast,” she says, watching Ari and me with an amused expression.
“Ah,” I laugh. “That explains it.”
Hannah clears her throat. “Are you okay? After last night?”
“I think so,” I reply honestly. “It’s strange, because I feel relieved now that Cameron knows.”
“What are you going to do now that Kyle knows?”
I sigh. “Nothing. I don’t want anything from him, and I don’t expect him to ‘claim’ Ari. If he wants to be part of her life, I have no right to stop him.”
Hannah rests her chin in her palm. “Last night was a catastrophe.”
“What were you guys doing there anyway?” I ask curiously.
“We planned a party for Cameron’s birthday in a weeks time, but he cancelled it and decided he didn’t want to celebrate his birthday this year. Somehow Noah convinced him to at least do something and he agreed to having dinner at the diner.”
I hesitate before asking, “And Rachel really wasn’t invited?”
Hannah shakes her head. “Hell no! And neither was Psycho Barbie. They invited themselves and I don’t think Cameron cared enough to say no. Rachel has been bugging Cam a lot, though. She hasn’t stopped calling him. I know it’s been driving him nuts.”
“Wait, what? Rachel has been calling Cam?”
“Yes! Like non-stop, on-the-verge-of-stalking. Why?”
“Rachel told me he called her, after his dad died.”
Hannah’s manicured brows furrow. “That lying bitch! I knew she was up to something!”
I contemplate telling Hannah about Rachel’s threat. It’s not like she can follow through with it anymore. “She threatened me,” I blurt out. “When we were at the memorial service. She cornered me in the bathroom afterwards and threatened to tell Cameron about the video if I didn’t leave him alone.”
“What?” Hannah half yells, her eyes bulging out of their sockets. Her face reddens. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
I shrug, feeling foolish. “Because I was hurting, okay? I thought if I kept quiet I would be able to forget it ever happened and move on from Cameron.”
“You know,” Hannah sighs. “For a smart girl, you’re really quite stupid, Hayley.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I ask, disgruntled.
“We both know moving on from Cameron isn’t a possibility. You’re in love with him.”
My mouth opens, a denial formed on the edge of my tongue. Only, I can’t deny it. “He doesn’t feel the same way,” I say quietly. “So it doesn’t matter, anyway.”
“That’s complete rubbish and we both know it. That boy is not only smitten with you, but with your daughter too.”
“Then why did he tell me to leave the day his dad died? And why has he ignored all my texts and calls?” I mentally kick myself in the stomach for sounding so pathetic. I’m whining, like the clingy girls I used to make fun of.
Hannah’s face softens and she rests her hand on my knee. “He needed time, Hayley. He was so full of anger and guilt over the death of his dad and he pushed you away top protect you.”
“Protect me?”
“Yes.”
“Then why was he with Rachel?”
“She only wanted you to think he was with her, because she’s a jealous psycho stalker bi…” her words trail off when she remembers that Ari is still here and is at the stage where she repeats everything she hears. “I know for a fact that he wasn’t with her, because Noah stayed with him after his dad died, and aside from drinking himself stupid at home, he didn’t go anywhere or see anyone.”
I cover my face with a groan. What a mess. I feel stupid for believing Rachel, but even more so for not listening to Cameron when he wanted to talk to me weeks ago.
I’m about to tell Hannah as much when we hear a knock at the door. I listen as my grandmother opens the door.
“You have some nerve showing up here,” she says to whoever is at the door. At first I think it’s Cameron, but I know Gama will never speak to him that way. She likes him too much. Frowning, I slip my robe over my shoulders and head for the stairs, curios to know who my grandmother is snapping at. Hannah picks Ari up and follows behind me. When I see Kyle standing in the entryway, my step falters and I almost trip my way down the rest of the stairs.
“Please,” he begs, “I just need to talk to her, Mrs. Tanner.” He looks ruffled, like he hasn’t slept.
“Kyle?” His head whips up at the sound of my voice. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk,” he says, taking a tentative step forward, cautious of my grandmother. She might look old, and sweet, but she won’t hesitate to pull out a shotgun and send Kyle running for the hills if she thinks it’s necessary.
“It’s ok, Gama, I’ve got this.” I smile weakly at her and I can see she doesn’t believe me.
Hannah walks past me, and whispers into my ear. “We’ll be in the kitchen, but yell if you need anything.” She follows my grandmother into the kitchen, leaving me alone with Kyle.
The silence is awkward, and Kyle shuffles from foot-to-foot. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks forcefully, unable to keep his cool. “That you fell pregnant after we…”
I think about making this easier for him, considering I did drop a bomb on him last night, but choose not to. He doesn’t deserve it.
“Because I didn’t want you to treat her the same way you treated me, Kyle. You would’ve denied that she was yours, the same way you denied that it was you in that video and let me take the fall.”
“But I deserved to know!” he snaps. “Don’t you think I had the right to know I fathered a child?”
“No,” I reply harshly. “You didn’t. You lost that right the minute you’re turned against me, knowing how humiliated and ashamed I was after that video came out. You turned your back on me when I asked you for help, and I will be damned if I’d let you do that to my child too.”
He sticks his fingers through his hair harshly, tugging it. “Hayley,” he hesitates for a beat. “I was young, and stupid, and you deserved so much better than how I treated you. I’m sorry for that, really, I am, but I’m not ready for this.”
My eyes fixate on Kyle’s face, and for the first time I feel something akin to hatred towards another human being. The irony that it’s towards the father of my child doesn’t escape me.
I fold my arms across my chest and lift my chin. “I haven’t asked you for anything Kyle, and I have no intention of starting now.”
Incredulity flashes across his face. “So, you’re not expecting me to stick around?”
His expression is hopeful and a small part of me crumbles inside, the part that thought there was a tiny chance he’d want to know Ari. But I know better. Kyle was never the type of person to think of anyone but himself and I’m naive to think otherwise. Can I blame him when I’ve kept Ari from him for so long? I don’t know, but even now that he knows about her, he still wants to run. Which is the reason I never told him in the first place.
I brace myself, already feeling the hurt of the words I’m about to say out loud. “No, I don’t. I never expected you to, but I thought maybe you’d changed, and that you were no longer the selfish jerk you always were.”
“Hayley - ”
My hand comes up and Kyle’s mouth shuts. “You don’t deserve to know her,” I say. “I’m not even sure I deserve her, but for some reason God chose me, Ari chose me, and until a man worthy enough comes along to be there for every moment in her life, I will love her enough for both of us. We don’t need you, Kyle. We never have.”
I open the door and wait for Kyle to leave. He stops in front of me. “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry, Hayley, and you’re twice the person I will ever be.”
I close the door, and slide down until I’m on the floor. A few tears escape, but I wipe them away quickly before I have to walk into the kitchen. The last twelve hours swirl around in my head, and press down on my chest. Squeezing my eyes closed, I take a deep, calming breath.
I’ve been let down by the people closest to me more times than I can count, but I won’t be one of those people on Ari’s list.