Chapter 11
~ Mid - November 2013 ~
~ Cameron ~
I release a sigh when I finally walk out of my last class for the week. Exhaustion is slowly creeping up on me and I have to stifle a yawn. I look around, watching people pass me by, noticing how quickly fall has arrived. I’ve been swimming a lot more and as much as I want to say it’s to improve, that would be a total lie. I don’t need improvement. I do it to stop thinking about her and the colossal mistake I’m making by agreeing to be friends. But in these past weeks, after Hayley and I came to our agreement, I’ve found that being just friends is so much harder. We see each other at lunch everyday, and sometimes she’ll be at our swim meets and practices with Hannah, but it feels like we’ve been avoiding each other. Maybe I have. Maybe I know being around her is too difficult when I have finally acknowledged that something has changed, yet again. Another switch has been flipped and now I’m stuck. Stuck between what I know, which has been sex and no feelings whatsoever, and what I wish I didn’t feel.
I’m walking past a grass patch, between the campus coffee shop and the library, when a familiar laugh stops me in my tracks. I turn quickly and immediately wish I hadn’t. Hayley and Hannah are sitting on a bench under a huge oak tree, sipping coffees and laughing about something. I walk a little closer, but stay far enough away so that neither of them would see me if they look my way. I’m just close enough so that I can hear bits of their conversation. I step out of the way of other students and watch her. She throws her head back and her glorious, sweet laugh fills the air. It travels, reaching me, pulling me to her. Her nose scrunches when Hannah says something and I chuckle. She’s so damn cute when she does that.
I take another step closer, catching more of their conversation. I’m curious to know what they’re talking about.
“Are you sure you can’t come?” Hayley whines. “It’ll be fun. We need a girl’s night out. We’re going to a bar, just outside of town.”
Hannah smiles, replying, “I would but I have a date.” She wriggles her eyebrows and Hayley slaps her lightly on the arm.
“You’re worse than a teenage boy,” Hayley remarks.
Hannah snorts. “What? We have needs, too, you know! You can’t tell me you won’t meet a hot-blooded man tonight, Hayls. Even moms need to get laid.”
Hannah bumps Hayley’s shoulder but Hayley smiles awkwardly and looks down. I clench my fist and mentally kick myself in the balls for being curious about their damn conversation. The idea of Hayley being with someone else, his hands on her body, his mouth on hers, shouldn’t upset me. But it does. It almost makes me violent. I turn around, ready to leave, when Hayley responds. “Han, how many times do I have to tell you, I want more than just one night of hot, suck-the-nails-out-of-the-wall sex. And you know my first experience with a guy after Ari wasn’t exactly the greatest.”
I wince, not only because of the resignation and disappointment in her voice, but because it’s me she’s talking about. Not wanting to hear another word, I walk away. My anger simmers just below the surface, a slow tormenting kind of self-loathing. I have no one else but myself to blame for how I handled the situation with Hayley. And now I’m paying for it, by settling for friendship when I know it’s not enough.
Since it’s Friday, I decide to skip the routine house party at Noah’s house and find myself walking into the bar just outside of town instead. I check my watch. It’s only six thirty, I doubt Hayley is here yet. I have no idea what the f*ck I’m doing here, but I’m here. I walk up to the bar, order a beer and take a seat in a badly lit corner. The bar is dirty, and smells like sweat and stale beer. The lights are dim, giving a feint glow that illuminates some old hunting and football memorabilia on the walls. I check my watch again and as I look up, I see Hayley walk in, a blonde girl at her side who I assume is her friend. She’s already so out of place in a dump like this, especially when she looks the way she does. My eyes travel down her body as I watch her walk over to the bar. Her dark blue skinny jeans wrap around her legs like a second skin and show off her wide hips. Her body looks remarkable for someone who has a kid, I’ll give her that. She takes off her jacket, making her long brown hair bounce, and reveals a skintight black long sleeved V-neck shirt. It’s a simple outfit, finished off with a pair of brown cowboy boots, but it’s the way it fits her body that gets the attention of the guys, and older men, around her. I sit up and grind my teeth when a tall, lanky guy approaches Hayley and her friend. She smiles sweetly and shakes her head while taking a seat. I relax and finish off my beer. I feel like a creeper, watching Hayley from my spot in the dark corner, but it’s better than the alternative. That being that she ends up going home with one of these white trash a*sholes.
“Can I get you anything else?” A waitress stands next to me, leaning in a little too close when she grabs my empty beer bottle. Her tits graze my arm and she smiles at me with what I think is meant to be seduction. But it’s not working. Her perfume is overwhelming, she has too much make-up caked on her face and, well, she just isn’t doing it for me.
“No, thanks,” I reply. She pouts and leans her face closer to mine. Too close. So I shift back a little. “Is there anything else I can do for you?” she asks, trailing her finger up my arm.
“No, thanks,” I repeat firmly. “I’m waiting for my girlfriend.” The lie falls from my mouth easily, but it appears to have worked when the waitress pouts and stalks off, approaching another guy who seems a little more interested. I’ve never hung out in a shit hole like this before, but if I wasn’t here, doing only God knows what watching Hayley, I might have flirted back with that waitress. Maybe even let her drag me out back and show me a good time. But that sounds as appealing as shaving a monkey's balls.
Hayley’s blonde friend jumps up and joins some guy on the dance floor, leaving Hayley alone at the bar. Every muscle in my body reacts when another guy approaches her and takes the vacant seat next to her. She shifts, looking uncomfortable. He offers her a drink and even when she declines, he orders it anyway. I know guys like him. They get a girl drunk, take them to a motel and have their way with them. Then, when morning comes, they disappear. I’m not about to let that happen to Hayley.
When an uneventful hour has passed, I’m still in the same seat, only I’ve been drinking water. Hayley and her friend have been sitting at the bar, having a few shots offered by the scumbags around them and sipping on beers. By the way Hayley sways slightly, it’s obvious that she’s had enough to drink. The guy chatting her up stands and offers his hand. Hayley hesitates, looking back at her friend who nods her encouragement. I suddenly don’t like her friend so much. I watch Hayley walk to the dance floor, swaying her hips to the slow beat of a new song. The guy wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her close, making me grip my chair until I feel my fingers numb. Her arms go around his neck, and I see the look of apprehension on her face. If she’s so uncomfortable then why is she dancing with him?
It’s when he starts grinding into her and she tries to push away that I jump to my feet, walking over to them. I hear her tell him she’d like to go back to the bar but he tightens his grip, making her squirm.
“I think she wants you to let her go now,” I say. Their heads whip up and Hayley looks surprised, while the guy holding her looks annoyed.
“We’re dancing, can’t you see that?” he snaps back. His hands tighten around Hayley’s arms and she winces.
“Well, now I’m cutting in,” I reply, stepping closer. I put my arm around Hayley’s waist from behind and pull her out of f*cknut’s grip.
He glowers at me, puffing out his chest, like that’ll intimidate me somehow. Is this twatwaffle for real? I’m at least four inches taller than he is with a whole lot more muscle. I can knock him out quicker than what Mohammed Ali can float like a butterfly.
“Whatever, man, pretty sure she’s not worth all the trouble anyway,” he says, walking away.
I go to grab his shirt, ready to break his jaw, when Hayley’s delicate hand wraps around my forearm. I shouldn’t feel the heat where her hand touches my skin. But I do. I can’t help it.
“Cam,” she looks at me through glazed eyes. “What are you doing here?”
If only I knew.
Our eyes meet and it’s strange how connected I feel to her, standing in the middle of this run-down hole-in-the-wall of a bar.
“I -” My words stop. I don’t want to lie to her, so we just end up staring at each other.
“Cameron?” she presses. “Why are you here? Were you spying on me?”
“Hayley, I - ” My words catch again. She’ll know I’m being dishonest. I rub the back of my neck and look away, allowing that to be my answer. Yes, goddammit, I’m here for you! Because I can’t stand the idea of another f*cker's hands on you! You’re not mine, but I feel like you should be, I tell her in my head.
“How did you know I’d be here?” she asks, dipping her head so she can look at me.
“Does it matter?” I throw back as casually as possible. Inside I’m burning up, and my fingers are itching to reach out to her.
“Yes, actually it does.” Her words are firm, full of resolve. Her arms cross over her chest, but she sways a little. My hand shoots out and steadies her by her elbow.
“I think you’ve had enough,” I tell her. “Let me take you home.”
Her face contorts, changing from a look of question to one of anger. “Excuse me?” she snaps. Her voice raises an octave or two.
I lean in closer and lower my voice as to not draw any unnecessary attention to our discussion. “I think it’s time for you to leave, before you do something irresponsible like go home with one of these scumbags.”
Hayley gasps, and I catch a movement at the corner of my eye. Before her palm can make contact with my cheek I grab her wrist.
“How dare you, Cameron! Are you insinuating that I’m a whore?”
“No! No, that’s not what I - ” I start to explain but Hayley spins on her heel and walks away. I follow her, grab her arm and spin her around.
“Hayley, listen to me, that’s not what I meant,” I say.
She glares up at me and I see her eyes glaze over again, but not from alcohol. No. I’ve hurt her feelings and she’s about to cry.
Shit.
“Then what did you mean?” she asks, her voice trembling behind her bravado.
“I just mean that someone in your situation should be more responsible.”
“What do you know about being responsible?” she throws back. “You’re rich, sexy as hell, and I bet you have girls lined up, just begging you to get into their panties for a night. Life is just a peach for Cameron Argent, right? Not a care in the world.”
What the hell? Where did that come from?
The muscle in my jaw ticks and now my anger matches hers. She has no idea what she’s talking about, and if she wants to put it all out there, then I will, too.
“I know that someone with a two year old at home shouldn’t be acting like this,” I grind out, regretting the words immediately when her face falls. She pulls her arm out of my grip and storms past me towards the bathroom and down the hallway to the back door.
I groan, brushing my short hair roughly. Why did I just say that?
I rush after her, nearly breaking the door off its hinges when I push it open. When I don’t find her, I walk around the corner to search the alley. Hayley is leaning against the wall, her head thrown back, her chest moving as she breathes.
“Hayley?”
Her head shoots up and she startles. “Go away, Cameron. I have nothing to say to you.”
I step closer, slowly, like I’m approaching a wild animal. I need to fix this before Hayley has another chance to run.
“I’m sorry, Hayley, I didn’t mean what I said.”
Her voice catches and I hear her hiccup. Dammit, she’s been crying. “But you still said it. I might have a daughter, but I would never do anything irresponsible.”
“I know,” I sigh, feeling like a total dick.
She looks up at me. “Why are you really here, Cameron?”
“I came because I wanted to look out for you, is that what you want to hear?”
Hayley moves closer until her sweet perfume floats around me. I memorize the lingering scent, saving it for later.
“You don’t get to look out for me, we’re just friends, remember?”
“Hayley, just - ”
“Aren’t we?”
“F*ck, I don’t know!” I almost yell.
Our eyes collide, a whirlwind of emotions flitting between us like wildfire. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve had to pretend, for weeks, that Hayley and I are friends when we both know it’s a lie. Her eyes widen when I close the distance between us, but she doesn’t back away. I lower my head until I can feel her warm breath touch my lips and I inhale, slowly, like she’s breathing into me. My lips brush hers, gently, and I slide my hand around her neck.
Her voice comes as a breathy whisper, and her lips move against mine, “Cameron.”
The way she says my name is enough, and it’s almost too much. I crush my lips to hers, pulling her closer to me. Her lips move with mine and when her tongue traces my bottom lip a shiver snakes its way down my spine. My hands slide down her sides and I grip her thighs, lifting her so that her legs wrap around me. I push her against the wall and she moans, making me harden in my jeans. Her hands make their way up my arms and stop on my biceps. She squeezes the muscles, using them as leverage to push herself into me. Her hips grind against mine and our mouths separate momentarily as our moans collide in the air. I nibble on her lower lip which only makes her kiss seem hungrier and more fervent. The feel of our lips connecting drives me wild and I like the affect I’m having on Hayley, knowing that her body is responding the same way to my touch as mine does to hers.
Her fingers sink into my arms and she stops. “Stop,” she says. “Cameron, stop!”
I look at her and see panic in her eyes. She pushes away from me until I drop her back on her feet.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, feeling all over the place. My mind is clouded, my jeans are straining and I’m struggling to understand why Hayley is suddenly pulling away from me.
“We shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have...” She’s mumbling. When I see regret cross her face my heart constricts and I realize that maybe she no longer has feelings for me.
“You didn’t want me,” she blurts out. She lowers her head and it’s like a kick to the stomach. She’s right, though. I didn’t want her, but now I do. I just have to show her that I mean it this time. I’m about to tell her as much when she faces me, tears streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry, Cameron. I thought I could do the whole friend thing, but I just can’t,” she takes a breath and shakes her head. “I have to go.”
“Hayley, wait,” I try to stop her but fail miserably when she evades my grasp.
“No, please just let me go. I need to go home,” she pleads, walking away.
I let her go and watch as she disappears around the corner. What.The.F*ck.Just.Happened? Less than two minutes ago I had her moaning in my arms, kissing me like she needed me, and now, I’m standing alone in a goddamn alley.
I need to fix this, I know that much. But it’s the how that worries me.
Because there’s only one way and that’s to show her what I’m hiding.
?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ??
I stare out my bedroom window as the sun comes up. Sleep eluded me last night, even after I spent an hour driving around in circles trying not to think about what happened at the bar. I groan and roll my tired ass out of bed, heading straight for the shower. I didn’t even make it to the pool this morning like I do most Saturdays. I just lay in bed and stared at nothing while thinking about, well, everything. I climb into the shower and while I wish I didn’t have to wash the feint smell of Hayley’s perfume off of me, the hot water is invigorating and gives some life to my weary muscles.
I dress quickly and head downstairs for breakfast. I take a look down the long dark hallway and listen for noises coming from the room at the end. When I’m met with silence, I walk down the staircase towards the kitchen but I stop when I see my mother and my very pregnant sister sitting in the living room. Despite the fact that I’m famished, I walk into our living room and greet them.
“There you are,” my mother says, smiling up at me. “I was beginning to think you were never going to wake up.”
I lean down and kiss her cheek, “Morning, Mom.”
My sister Candice tries to stand up but I stop her. I kiss her on her forehead instead. “Morning, sis. What are you doing here?”
Candice shares a look with my mother, who nods her understanding, and then stands to leave. “Can I make you an omelet for breakfast, Cam?”
I smile, “Please, Mom, that would be great.”
I watch my mother leave and then turn to face my sister. Her auburn hair is piled on top of her head and she’s wearing a blue long sleeve shirt with white linen pants. She’s looking at me strangely, almost studying me. “How is it going?” I ask her. I shift on the sofa to face her and rest my hands on her swollen belly. I feel movement against my hand and my eyes shoot up to Candice's.
“She’s busy,” she giggles. “But the doctor said he’d be surprised if I make it to Thanksgiving next weekend.”
I can hear the excitement in her voice and I can’t stop the grin on my face when I feel the baby kick again.
“I seriously hope you didn’t drive here,” I tell her in all seriousness. Candice is one of the most beautiful pregnant women I have ever seen, but even I can see she’s too big to be driving.
“No, Brett dropped me off. He took Jordan with him to the hardware store and dropped me off here,” she replies.
“Are you here to see mom?” I ask.
“Actually, no, I’m here to see you.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you, little brother. Mom said she’s worried about you.”
I shift and sit back against the sofa. “Mom’s always worried about me.” I roll my eyes, earning a slap on the arm from Candice.
“Seriously,” I continue. “I’m fine, there’s nothing to worry about.”
Candice looks at me through narrowed eyes, thinning her lips. If she was standing she’d have her hands on her hips and I’d be preparing for a lecture. That’s usually what follows after that pose. “You can’t lie to me, little brother. I know you better than you know yourself, so why don’t you try telling me nothing's wrong without being completely dishonest with me.”
I’m about to reply when my mother walks back in carrying my breakfast. She puts it on the living room table and kisses my head before leaving again. She’s definitely not herself today.
“It’s fine,” Candice says, waving her hand at my plate. “Eat. We’ll talk when you’re done.”
I nod and start scoffing down my food. It barely touches sides with how hungry I am. I put the last bite in my mouth and slide my empty plate away, settling back into the sofa.
“So,” Candice starts, breaking the silence. “You want to tell me what’s up with you or do I have to ask what her name is?”
I look at my sister, surprised that she is able to read me so well. A little too well. I frown. “Who told you?”
Candice smiles. “I got a call from Hannah, but all she said was that I should talk to you. Then mom called and, well, here I am.”
Turning my head away, I shove the discomfort in my chest away. I don’t feel like talking, but my sister is pretty damn persistent and I’m sure she’ll find a way to get me to talk.
“What’s her name?” Candice asks.
I sigh, admitting defeat. I never really stood a chance, so why fight the inevitable? My sister and I might be eight years apart, but growing up she was one of my best friends, and she has always been on my side, even the times I was wrong. She’s protected me, given me “important life advice”, as she called it, and seemed to have the ability to keep me together when everything around us, including our family, fell apart.
“Her name’s Hayley,” I answer.
“Do you like her?”
I shrug, unsure of how to answer this. I’ve never been one to ‘like’ a girl. Sure, I had Rachel for over a year, but we were never a couple. She knew from the beginning what our arrangement was. I was allowed to see other girls, and she was allowed to see other guys. When we wanted to get together it was with sex in mind, but otherwise we were both free to do whatever or whom ever we wanted. It worked for me. Until now.
“I care about her,” I reply. “But it’s complicated, and I’m pretty sure I ruined my chances with her.”
Snorting, Candice says, “Life is complicated, Cameron, we know that. But you won’t know what your chances are with her if you don’t at least try again.”
I rub my hand down my face, feeling the exhaustion from my sleepless night make its way into my bones. “I don’t think that’s going to happen since we can’t even get being just friends right.”
“Why? What happened between you two?”
I steel myself for how Candice is going to react after I tell her how I reacted when Hayley told me she had a daughter. This isn’t going to be pretty.
I fill her in, starting with how Hayley and I met in the parking lot of Jordan’s day care center and ending with last night’s kiss in the alley. I don’t leave out a single detail, not even the way I reacted when I found out about Hayley’s daughter. When I’m done, I feel like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders, only to be replaced by another. The kind that comes with knowing that I’ll have to tell Hayley everything I keep inside, the hardest of which is what lies behind the closed door at the end of our hallway upstairs.
I slowly look back at Candice. Her face is somewhat unreadable but I know her well enough to see the mixture of disappointment, sadness and anger swimming in the depths of her brown eyes.
“Wow,” she breathes. “That’s a lot to take in, but I’m a little disappointed in you, Cam. You treated that girl so poorly, and all because you found out she has a little girl? How do you think that made her feel?”
I hang my head again, feeling dejected and pissed with myself all at once. “I know, I know,” I concede. “I acted like a complete a*shole, and I wish I hadn’t, but I totally freaked out, alright? I’m twenty -one, Candice, and the last thing I ever imagined, especially at my age, was getting involved with someone who has a kid. I just didn’t see it happening.”
“So what changed?” Candice asks.
“I just, I don’t know. Like I said, I care about her, a lot, and those few weeks when we didn’t talk and then pretended to be friends was torture. I hated every goddamn minute of it.”
“Do you want to try again? I mean, you know it’ll be different because she has a little girl, but does that change how you feel about her?”
Candice’s question catches me a little off guard, but only because I never realized that my feelings for Hayley didn’t change when I found out about her daughter. I just freaked out without asking questions and ran like hell. I’ve never thought about it until now, and maybe if I had, things between Hayley and I could’ve been far less complicated.
“No,” I say honestly. “It doesn’t change how I feel about her, but I’d have to admit that the thought of having more with her at the time scared me. It’s always been easier to not get emotionally involved. After everything with dad, it just became easier to feel nothing.”
Candice’s hand rests on my knee and she scoots closer to me until her head rests on my shoulder. “Cam,” she says softly. “You can’t allow what happened with dad to prevent you from being in a relationship with someone. What are you afraid of?”
Another question I’m not prepared for. “I’m afraid that once Hayley knows what I did she’ll see me for who I am and then leave.”
Candice frowns. “What happened with daddy was an accident, Cameron,” her voice hitches and I immediately feel guilty for upsetting her. “And mom and I never blamed you, but you’ve never forgiven yourself. You have to see that you are still our Cam, the amazing young man with a heart of gold who just had to grow up much quicker than most other kids your age.”
I wish I could believe her, I really do, but I simply can’t.
“And I think if you really care about Hayley,” Candice continues. “And want to give things a shot with her, then you should trust her enough to tell her everything. If she leaves then you know it wasn’t meant to be, but you won’t know until you tell her the truth.”
Exhaling audibly, I resign myself to the fact that my sister is, once again, right. I have to do this.
I squeeze my sister's hand and look at her, her head still resting on my shoulders. Wiping a stray tear from her cheek, I reply, “Okay. I’ll do it. I’ll tell her.”
Today.