Chapter 8
~ Cameron ~
I watch Hayley walk away. Brushing my hands over my face and through my short hair, I walk out of the emergency room and back to my truck. I sit, staring into the darkness, with the hospital to my back. What the f*ck just happened? An hour ago I was standing in a kitchen kissing one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen. And now, I find out she has a daughter?
I don’t know what to think about it. Hayley and I have become close friends over the last few weeks and she failed to mention this. If I had known, I wouldn’t have asked her out. A kid would complicate things and I sure as hell don’t want any added drama. I figured Hayley and I could mess around, have some fun, but that can’t happen now.
I sigh and drive out the parking lot, taking my time to get home. When I pull into the garage, all the lights are off so I drag myself upstairs. I stop in my tracks when I hear murmuring coming from the room at the end of the hallway, and light coming through from the bottom of the door. I hate that room. I hate what’s inside that room. It’s a reminder of what I’ve done, who I am.
I shut my bedroom door and fall onto the bed. My thoughts run rampant and I keep replying the scene from the hospital. Hayley has a daughter. There’s no way I can date a girl who’s a mother. I’m only twenty one; I’m too young for that shit. And I have more than enough on my plate at the moment. I can’t add Hayley and her kid to it.
I bring her number up on my phone and contemplate calling her. What would I say? Uh we can’t date because you have a kid and I’m not interested in that shit. I thought we could mess around but I can’t anymore because…you have a kid. That would prove that I’m the world’s biggest douche. I can’t do the to her, so I decide not to call her, or text her. We can just forget about tonight and hopefully go back to being friends. I just hope to God that it won’t be awkward now. But why would it be? Because you actually care about her dickwad, I tell myself. And I do. I care about her.
My phone vibrates as I stare at Hayley’s picture on my phone and I open it. It’s from Noah.
How did it go? Did you get laid?
A*shole. He knows tonight was the first time I’ve ever tried going on a real date with a girl without trying to get into her pants. But he still thinks I boned her. Seriously, I have no idea where I found him. Sometimes I think he’s an even bigger douchebag than what I am. But I can’t blame him. Stupid f*cker went and fell in love our senior year of high school and had his heart broken. He was never the same after that. Now we both do the ‘just sex’ thing, but for different reasons. Although I haven’t told him that I really like Hayley, and that I actually care about her. Not that it matters now. I doubt she’ll ever speak to me after how I reacted tonight.
Frustrated, I toss my phone, leaving Noah’s text unanswered. I don’t want to deal with him right now.
I strip out of my clothes and climb between the cool sheets. The same feeling of emptiness washes over me, like it always does when I sleep at home. Only this time, I feel like I might have something else I care about. And I hate myself for it.
By the time morning rolls around, I haven’t slept a wink. I’ve checked my phone at least a thousand times, and contemplated calling Hayley at least a thousand more. In the end, I convinced myself that it’s better this way, for us to stay friends. But I don’t even know if that is a possibility. Maybe that’s better too. I don’t need her complicating my life and she doesn’t need me f*cking up hers. It doesn’t stop me from wondering how if she’s okay though, and if her daughter is going to be alright.
I scrub my face, feeling exhausted from tossing and turning all night. I climb out of bed but instead of hitting the shower I pack my swimming bag. Glancing at my watch I see it’s only seven a.m. I have three hours until my first class and there’s only one place I want to kill that time. It’s the only place where I know I can forget about life for a while. I throw on a pair of shorts and polo shirt and grab my bag. I’m on autopilot when I drive to the swimming pool, and when I change into my gear. I don’t even register that the water is freezing. I just swim. And I keep swimming until my legs start to cramp and my lungs threaten to self-combust between my ribs. But when I hoist myself out of the water and sit on the edge, catching my breath, I’m unable to ignore the one feeling I wish I could stomp out.
Guilt.
** ** ** ** **
The rest of my week passes in a similar fashion. Wake up, swim, go to class, and come home. I pretend that I’m fine, that I don’t care about Hayley or the fact that I hurt her. I pretend that it doesn’t bother me that I haven’t seen her in a few days. But in reality, I’ve been looking for her everywhere. She stopped taking Hannah’s calls and every time Hannah has stopped by their house, Hayley’s grandmother says she’s not there. Noah asked me what is going on and since I’ve already acted like a complete jerk, I figured lying to one more person wouldn’t hurt. I tell him I lost interest, and Hayley didn’t take it well, which I guess is only half true. He reacted the way I expected him to - he shrugged and said, “That’s too bad Cam, I bet she would’ve been great in bed.” It was the first time I wanted to punch my best friend in the face and knock him the f*ck out. And then I felt like knocking myself out for being such a hypocrite. I was no better than he was. I had every intention of getting Hayley into my bed, even if that meant waiting a few weeks. But somewhere along the line, it was as if a switch was flipped and wanting her for that felt…wrong. Because deep down I know she’s more than a quick f*ck or one nightstand.
All this pretending is making me cranky and Noah and Hannah have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Instead of talking to someone about it, I take my frustration and guilt out on my body, in the water. The only person who doesn’t complain is Coach. My times so far have improved and because of all the extra training I’ve been putting in, we’ve been doing really well in our swim meets. I’m completely wiped out by the time I get home but that also suits me. It saves me from having the conversation with my mother that is two years overdue and the source of my internal misery.
It’s been an entire week since I last saw Hayley and I’m walking out of the Cafeteria when I spot Hannah coming from the opposite direction. She looks pissed and her angry eyes are directed straight at me. “This can’t be good,” I mutter to myself. I stop and wait for her to reach me. But that was very stupid because she’s not pissed, she’s in a flat out rage and I seem to be the cause.
“What it wrong with you?” she half-yells, not giving a flying f*ck that we’re in public.
“Hi Hannah, it’s so nice to see you. I’m great, thanks for asking,” I reply sarcastically. What the hell could she be so mad about?
“Don’t get smart with me you douchebag,” she snaps. Her black hair is a mess and it looks like she literally just rolled out of bed. The slippers on her feet are a dead giveaway. I resist the urge to laugh at her disheveled state. I always avoid provoking Hannah when she’s in a mood like this.
“What is wrong with you?” I ask, suddenly irritated. “Are you on your period or something?”
The way Hannah’s face reddens and her eyes bulge are an indication that I have clearly said the wrong thing. Her hands fist at her sides and I watch as she struggles to reign on her anger.
“How could you, Cameron?” she asks angrily.
My irritation escalates. Why can women never say what they mean, instead of expecting us to guess all the damn time? “How could I what Hannah?”
“I always knew you could be an a*shole, and I tried not to hold that against you after all the shit you’ve been through. But you stooped the lowest you ever have Cam. I can’t believe you.”
Before I can stop myself, I yell, “What the f*ck are you talking about Hannah? I can’t read your f*cking mind woman! Spell it the f*ck out for me, in English!”
“You told Hayley you wouldn’t have asked her out if you knew about her daughter!” she screams. Her anger gets the better of her and she allows a few tears to slip down her cheeks. She wipes them away furiously as I stare at her.
Lowering my voice, I ask, “What did you expect me to do, Hannah? I don’t need complications in my life, you know that. I don’t do relationships, and I sure as hell don’t do ‘moms’ either.”
“You could’ve handled it so much better, Cameron. You had no reason to say any of those things to her, especially not at the damn hospital!”
“Well when did you expect me to say it? After I’d had sex with her?”
Hannah snorts. “We both know it was about more than sex with Hayley.”
I bristle, crossing my arms over my chest. “What is that supposed to mean? Of course it was just about the sex, it always is!”
“Then tell me honestly, in the last two months that you’ve become friends with Hayley, how many times did you think about Rachel? Or having sex with someone else, huh?”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” I retort.
“The hell it doesn’t. Just admit that you care about her, Cameron.”
And there it is. The crux of my problem. The very thought that has kept me awake every night since I left Hayley in that emergency room. I look down, afraid that Hannah will see everything I’m trying so hard to hide written all over my face.
My voice is barely above a whisper when I reply, “I can’t.”
“Why not?” Hannah probes.
“Because!” I yell again. “I destroy everyone I give a f*ck about!”
Hannah’s face drops as my words register. She knows what I mean; she’s one of the few people cognizant of what haunts me.
“Cam,” she breathes, taking a step closer to me. “You can’t keep living your life this way because of one mistake you made two years ago. It was an accident, and your mom and Candice don’t hold you responsible.”
“But they should,” I reply. “It was my fault. It’s my fault my dad is…”
I swallow my words. I can’t even bring myself to say it. Just thinking about what I’ve done to my family, to my father, is enough to make me sick.
“Please, Cam,” Hannah pleads quietly. She touches my cheek with her palm. “Make it right with Hayley. She makes you…different.”
“How?”
Hannah’s mouth tilts up, giving me a half-smile as she replies, “Happy.”
She’s right. Even as a friend, Hayley made me feel happiness. It’s foreign, because I denied myself of that feeling for so long that I forgot what it felt like, what it looked like.
What scares me, though, is how I need to make things right with Hayley. There’s only one way I can fix this and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet. I would have to show Hayley the ugliest part of me. Maybe then she’ll see that I actually did her a favor, because I can’t give her what I think she wanted if there’s nothing left to give.