Chapter 4
~ Hayley ~
It takes some time for Ari and I to get into a good routine, but after two weeks we finally have it right. My classes are going well, for now at least, and Ari has adjusted to being at daycare three days a week. Unfortunately, she has also hit the ‘Terrible Two’s’ that I’ve heard many mothers complain about and has been making life a little more challenging than usual. I haven’t seen Cameron again and every time I drop Ari off in the mornings, I find myself looking for his blue Ford truck. Oddly enough, I know it won’t be there, and that I won’t see him but it doesn’t stop me from looking for him anyway.
I pull my car into the parking lot of Ari’s daycare center. I pick her up on Wednesday’s after my last class and have made it our weekly date. I’m taking her to the park, excited to spend some time with my little girl. I cut the ignition and step out of my car, but am halted by what sounds like a woman yelling. I turn around and see a young woman standing by her car, yelling into her phone. Her honey blonde hair is tied in a messy bun on top of her head and she’s wearing a waitress uniform. I recognize it from Joe’s Diner in town.
“Are you kidding me right now, Jace?” she yells. “What am I supposed to do? Macy’s daycare payment is due and so is my rent. The only thing I ask you to help me with is her daycare, and now you’re telling me you can’t?”
There’s a minute intermission, as the other person on the end of the line speaks.
“How can you do this to us, Jace?” she asks. “How can you do this to Macy?”
She goes quiet and I hear her sniffle as she wipes her nose. I know it’s rude to eavesdrop, but I can’t look away from her. Her face is red, a combination of anger and tears that are now streaming down her face.
“I don’t care! She’s your daughter, too, and I only agreed on a divorce because you promised that you would help me take care of Macy. I let you walk away from me, but not our little girl.”
Her eyes screw shut and she pinches the bridge of her nose before taking a deep breath.
“You know what, Jace,” she says, straightening her back. “Just forget about it. From now on, I will take care of my little girl. You can forget about seeing her, too. As of right now, you don’t have a daughter and she doesn’t have a daddy.”
She ends the call and I see her tiny body shake. Her cries are muffled but from where I’m standing just a few feet away I can hear them. And I feel for her. The only difference is that being a single parent has been my choice, but it’s obvious that she no longer has a choice. I walk over to her, careful not to startle her.
“Excuse me, miss?” I say. She whips around and looks at me, her eyes red and puffy, wide with alertness. “Are you okay?” I ask softly.
She straightens up, brushing her hands over her uniform to remove the creases, and wipes her face before replying, “Yeah, I’m just sick and tired of dealing with selfish a*sholes.”
She pushes past me and stomps up the stairs to the daycare center. Okay, then…
I shake my head and follow her once she’s disappeared through the door. When I walk into Ari’s class, she’s sharing a cookie with a little blonde girl and I immediately recognize her as the daughter of the woman I just saw outside. Her long blonde hair hangs down to the middle of her back, and she’s wearing a powder blue sundress. She’s gorgeous.
Ari looks up and sees me, her little face lighting up. “My mommy!” she yells, announcing my presence to anyone who will listen. She runs through the mini desks and chairs and flings her little body into my legs.
“Hi, baby girl,” I say, picking her up. I hug her close and smell her hair. “I missed you today,” I tell her. Her little hands touch my cheek.
“Me missed you,” she replies. The look in her eyes is enough to make me want to cry. God, I love this little person. I look back at the little blonde girl and find her watching us with curious eyes. She must be the same age as Ari.
“Thas my fwiend,” Ari says, as if to answer my unspoken question.
“Oh, yeah? Does your friend have a name?”
Ari’s eyebrows scrunch while she thinks. “Her is Macy.”
“Do you want to say goodbye to Macy?”
“Okay,” she says happily. She jumps out of my arms and runs back to where Macy is standing. She hugs her goodbye and makes her way back towards me, her little backpack in tow.
“You ready?”
She smiles up at me and simply nods, placing her little hand in mine. My heart swells and I don’t think it can get any fuller. We walk out and I see the woman from outside talking to the owner of the daycare center, but I look away when she catches me staring. The last thing I want is this stranger thinking I’m sticking my nose in her business. I still feel sorry for her though.
I strap Ari into her car seat and take the slow, leisurely drive to the park, not far from my grandmother’s place. When we arrive, I help Ari out the car and she darts for the swings. I grab the cooler bag with the sandwiches and sodas and lay a blanket down under a Willow tree, close enough for me to watch her. A light breeze blows, catching my hair and flicking it wildly. It cools my heated skin and I welcome the reprieve.
“Mommy, push me!” Ari yells. I see then that she’s too short to hop on by herself and needs my help.
“Okay, baby, mommy’s coming,” I reply, smiling at her impatience. Another star quality she inherited from me. I slip my sandals off and walk over to where she’s standing, shifting with excitement. I laugh when she waves her arms in the air, signaling for me to lift her up, and gently place her on the swing.
“Hold on tight,” I tell her.
I push the swing, and watch her climb higher with each shove.
“Higher, mommy, higher!” she squeals. Her child-like laughter echoes around us and mixes with the light summer breeze. I nudge the swing a little higher and step in front of Ari.
“Jump,” I say. “I’ll catch you.”
I spread my arms out and brace myself to catch her.
“Mommy, me afwaid,” Ari hesitates.
“I’m right here, baby girl, I’ll never let anything happen to you. I promise.”
Her eyes widen and she watches me, the swing moving back and forth. Scooting forward, Ari lets go and throws her body into the air. She lands safely in my arms and I drop to the ground playfully, pretending that the force of her jump knocked me over. She laughs loudly and I join her as we roll around on the ground. I don’t care that my dress is going to get dirty or that my hair will be full of grass. All that matters is the little girl laughing in my arms. Her brown eyes, so much wiser than her years, look up at me and I freeze the moment, storing it in my mental memory box so that on the days I doubt myself, I can watch it over and over again. How can such a small person be such a profound source of strength? It’s unfathomable. That this little girl, born of my flesh and my blood, can love so freely and openly. I see no judgment in her eyes, no hate or anger. Just love and innocence and kindness in the purest form. I squeeze her to me and her arms wrap around my waist.
“I love you, my precious Ari,” I breathe into her hair.
“I wuv you, mommy.” Her sweet voice comes as a whisper, and it tugs at my heartstrings. I lay a gentle kiss on her forehead.
Ari sits up. “Macy!” she yells, jumping to her feet and running to her friend. I spot Macy’s mother strolling in our direction and stand up, making my way towards her and the girls, who have already started playing.
“Macy, sweetheart, don’t go far. Stay where mamma can see you.” Macy’s mother looks at the girls and then back at me. I give her a small smile and to my surprise she returns it.
“I wanted to apologize, I was rude earlier and I shouldn’t have been,” she says, embarrassed. “My momma would turn in her grave if she ever heard me talking to a stranger like that.”
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have been listening to your conversation, but I wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“I’m not, but I will be,” she replies. “I’m Taylor,” her hand comes out and I shake it. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Hayley,” I reply. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”
“Looks like our girls have gone and become friends,” she remarks, chuckling. I watch in amusement as Ari talks Macy’s ear off, while Macy sits quietly, content, and listens.
“Yeah,” I giggle. “Would you like to have something to eat? I packed a picnic for me and Ari.”
“Oh no, I don’t want to intrude.”
“Please,” I insist. “I packed too much food for just us anyway and I’m happy to let the girls play for a while.”
Taylor looks down at her watch before saying, “I have another two hours before my next shift, so I guess it will be okay.”
I lead her to where I placed the picnic blanket and lower myself to the ground. I take out a fresh ham, cheese and tomato sandwich and hand it to her before opening one for myself. We eat in a comfortable silence for a while, watching Macy and Ari.
“I’m not sure how much of my conversation with Macy’s dad you heard, but I’m not a bad mamma,” Taylor says. “I need to clarify that.”
I shake my head. “I didn’t think that at all,” I reply, my expression somber. “I understand.”
She meets my gaze and something passes between us. A silent acknowledgment.
She sighs and her shoulders drop in defeat. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she mutters, looking down at the half eaten sandwich in her hand. “Macy’s dad won’t pay for her daycare anymore and the only way I can afford all of it is if I take on another shift at the diner, but then I have no one to look after Macy when I’m at work.”
I look at the girls and then back at Taylor. “I can help you,” I say. “At least until you can work things out with Macy’s dad.”
Taylor lifts her head and shakes it. “No, I can’t make myself a nuisance to other people.”
The internal struggle is written all over her face and she’s doing a terrible job of hiding it. Something about Taylor just screams ‘Help Me’ and if I didn’t understand how hard it is raising a child, I probably wouldn’t even offer to help. But I do understand. And she does need the help.
“I’m happy to do it,” I reassure her. “My grandmother picks Ari up on Mondays and Fridays, and I get her on Wednesdays. Macy is more than welcome to come home with us until your shift is done at the diner.”
Her bottom lip is pulled between her teeth and she nibbles on it before saying, “Are you sure though? You’re offering to help a complete stranger?”
I chuckle at her skepticism and shrug. “We’re all strangers until we decide to be friends. Besides, it will be nice having someone who gets it.”
“I suppose you’re right,” she pauses. “I promise, it won’t be for long, just until I can save enough money to take care of Macy’s daycare for a while.”
“Take all the time you need,” I say in earnest.
We turn our gazes to Macy and Ari who are both running towards us. They drop onto the blanket and Taylor and I give them each a sandwich and a juice box. We talk a bit more and I learn that she’s only twenty two, and got married to Macy’s father, Jace, when she was my age. I also learn that it’s literally just her and Macy, which also makes me sad for her. Her mother and father died when she was young and her grandmother disowned her when she found out Taylor was pregnant, even though she was married at the time. She’s very easy to talk to, and as soon as the girls are off playing again, I find myself confiding in her. I don’t tell her everything, but just enough. Besides Hannah, I feel Taylor might just become another friend, and I’m grateful for it. True friendship is somewhat of a novelty to me. The people I grew up with called me their friend, but in reality, they were the exact opposite. When I needed them, they weren’t there and for some silly reason, I was surprised to find that they had deserted me.
“We’d better get going,” Taylor says, interrupting my mental trip down memory lane. “I need to get Macy home.” She hesitates. “And thank you, Hayley. I really appreciate it.”
“No biggy,” I reply. “Us single moms have to stick together, right?”
We giggle and pack the remainder of my stuff into my car before Taylor and I head in separate directions. Ari quickly falls asleep in the back and when I finally make it back to my grandmother's house, I spend a good twenty minutes watching her sleep. My mind shifts back to when she was born, and if I thought the day I found out I was pregnant was the day that really changed my life, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
~ July 1st, 2011 ~
As I lie down on the sofa and stare out the living room window, I absentmindedly stroke my rounded belly and wonder what my little munchkin is doing in there. She hasn’t moved in a while and I miss the feeling of her tiny foot touching my palm. I’ve come to embrace this pregnancy, however unexpected it was, and accept it. Accept that in eight weeks I’m going to be a mother. The road behind me has been a difficult one and I have no doubt that I only made it this far with the unconditional support from my grandmother. There have been moments when I’ve wished that things were different, but only because I envisioned sharing my first pregnancy with the father of my child. But I’ve learned that not everything happens the way we plan it and if we’re lucky, we’ll survive however they happen. The first time I felt my baby kick, I cried. The magic of the moment was overwhelming, but so was the realization that I’m doing this alone. Sure, I have my grandmother, and she made that clear from the beginning, but it’s not the same. I had to make peace with my decision not to tell Kyle or my parents that I was pregnant. At the time, I felt like I was doing what was best for me and my baby. But some days my fears made me wish I had told them, even knowing that it wouldn’t change anything.
With a heavy sigh, I lift myself off the sofa and walk to the kitchen. My belly grumbles. “Okay, princess,” I coo. “Mommy’s going to feed us now.”
A sharp pain shoots through my belly and my spine, and I double over from the force of it. I let out a yelp and grip the kitchen counter until I think the pain is over. I straighten but then another pain shoots through my body and this time I scream. I feel warm liquid pool between my legs and expect to see that my water has broken. Instead, blood starts to stain my gray yoga pants and I panic. I’m alone at home and that only makes my sense of panic increase. With labored movements, I manage to grab the phone and call an ambulance. They arrive within ten minutes and by the time they’re wheeling me into the hospital, my pain is nearly unbearable. I’m rushed into the operating room and soon my obstetrician comes bursting through the doors. Three nurses follow behind him, each with a different piece of equipment, and they start setting everything up with a speed and efficiency that’s uncanny.
“Okay, Hayley,” Dr. Burke says, taking in my pained and sweaty appearance. “I’m going to see what’s going on with your baby.”
His serious expression frightens me, and it gives rise to tears. The physical pain and the fear of not knowing what’s wrong are strangling me. I’m lifted onto the hospital bed and roughly stripped of my yoga pants. Dr. Burke covers my lower body, propping my legs up, and starts feeling around my vagina. A nurse presses a wand to my stomach.
“Ow!” I scream, struggling for breath between my sobs. “What’s going on? What’s going on with my baby?” My voice is hysterical and the questions come out rapidly and are almost indecipherable.
Dr. Burke ignores me, watching the ultrasound screen with a concerned expression on his face while feeling around between my legs. He lifts his hand and removes the bloody glove.
“Prep Miss Tanner for an emergency C-Section immediately. The baby has gone into fetal distress and is losing oxygen too quickly. We need to get her out now,” Dr. Burke instructs his team.
There’s a sudden increase in the flurry of activity around me and my head is swimming. I’m given a shot of Demerol and an Epidural for the pain.. The nurse is speaking too quickly for me to catch anything she is saying.
“What’s going on?” I ask again. “Dr. Burke, is she okay?”
My questions go unanswered and the last thing I hear is “Quickly, she’s losing too much blood.” Then I hear a cry and voices and…nothing. Everything goes black. There’s no pain. No light. Just nothing.
After what feels like forever, my heavy eyelids start to lift. I cover my face to avoid the sharp light, moaning in protest. Soft hands brush my forehead.
“Hayley?”
I open one eye, the obscured image of my grandmother coming into focus. Her worried smile is gentle and judging by her red, puffy eyes she’s been crying.
“Gama?”
“I’m here, sweetheart.”
My hand slides down to my now flat stomach and everything comes back to me, hitting me like a freight train.
I struggle to sit up, ignoring the pain in my lower abdomen. “Where is she?” I ask loudly, looking around frantically. “Where’s my baby?”
I fear the worst and tears threaten to spill.
“You need to calm down, sweetheart,” my grandmother says, soothing me. “She’s in an incubator, in NICU. She had some trouble breathing but I’ll get the doctor and have him explain it all to you.”
As if summoned, the door to my room opens and Dr. Burke walks in, holding a chart. A short nurse shuffles in behind him and starts taking my vitals.
“I’m glad to see you’re awake, Hayley,” he says. “You gave us quite a scare.”
I wince when the nurse checks the dressing on my stomach and then look back at Dr. Burke. “What happened?” I ask, concerned. “Is she okay?” I swallow my panic quickly and will myself not to freak out.
“She’s doing fine,” he reassures me. “She went into fetal distress when her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and cut off her oxygen. It’s normal for the mother to experience blood loss and sever pain in those cases, which is what happened with you. You also lost a significant amount of blood once we delivered your baby, due to some unforeseen complications. Fortunately, we saved both of you before it was too late.”
I blink back tears again, feeling relieved. “Can I see her?”
Dr. Burke nods, saying, “Yes. Because she was premature, we’ve incubated her to make sure her lungs are able to function fully on their own. I will have a nurse bring you a wheelchair and your grandmother can take you up to see your baby. I will be back in a few hours to check on you. Hopefully you and your baby can go home soon, as soon as I’m happy with your progress.”
I nod once. “Thank you, doctor.”
He gives me a small smile and leaves the room. When another nurse has come in and helped me into the wheelchair, my grandmother takes me up two floors to the NICU, where there are newborn babies in incubators and their parents huddled close. My grandmother pushes me in front of an incubator, the name ‘Tanner’ stuck on it, and I take the first look at my baby. My little girl. She’s tiny. The pink blanket wrapped around her hugs her body and makes it look like she’s in a cocoon. Safe and warm and loved. When I look at her face, I feel my protective instincts kick in and I have to resist the urge to pull out the small tube stuck up her nose, I would die before I allow anything to harm her. I stick my hand through the hole in the side of the incubator and touch my daughter's skin. As if she knows I’m here, her eyes open and my heart stutters. I feel it, the bond that will forever tether me to this little life that is now entwined with mine.
“Do you have a name picked out for her?” my grandmother asks me.
I look up at her and see her eyes grow wet. I also see something else etched firmly on her face and aside from the love and adoration this woman has for me, I see pride. Genuine my-heart-is-going-to-explode pride.
I smile. “Arianna Marie.”
Tears slide down my grandmother's face and she squeezes my shoulder. Marie is my grandmother’s name, and I felt it was fitting to give it to my daughter. It’s strong, and kind, just like the woman it comes from.
I turn my gaze back on Arianna who is still looking at me.
“Yes, baby girl,” I whisper. “I’m your mommy, and I’m so glad you’re here.”
And I am.
Nothing will ever compare to this moment, where my heartbeat becomes one with the little life that is flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood.
Nothing can make me regret her.
Ever.