Chapter 16
~ December, 2013 ~
~ Hayley ~
Hannah and I practically run into the diner, eager to get out of the freezing winter temperatures. The thirty-degree weather has our teeth chattering, even though we’ve spent the last few hours indoors at the swim meet against Notre Dame. We wave to Taylor who grabs us menus as we walk towards our regular booth. Cameron and Noah should be here soon, so we go ahead and order some hot drinks to help with the chill. Taylor brings them over and then takes a seat next to us for a few minutes.
“I’m so happy to see you two,” she whispers. “I need some advice and soon, because I’m about half past freaked out already.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask her. “You look ready to puke.”
“Oh my God,” Hannah gasps, smacking the table. “Are you pregnant? Is Macy going to have a little brother or sister?”
Taylor rolls her eyes. “No! But I do have a date tonight….” Her words trail off and she looks between me and Hannah nervously.
“Well, don’t just sit there,” I say. “Tell us who the lucky guy is.”
Taylor’s cheeks darken beneath her make-up, giving her face a beautiful glow. “It’s, uh…it’s Dr. Gates.”
“Ari’s pediatrician?” I ask.
Taylor nods and Hannah and I giggle. “It’s about time,” Hannah says. “We saw how he looked at you when Ari was at the hospital. But what took you so long?”
“Well,” Taylor begins, fidgeting nervously with a napkin. “I decided to start taking Macy to him, too, after I saw how good he was with Ari, and I don’t know, I guess we just hit it off. He asked me a few times, but I declined because I was scared as hell to get involved with someone, “ her eyes drift to me, a silent understanding passing between us, “but then I thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have one date with a nice guy who will treat me to dinner and make me feel special for a night.”
“Or, it could turn out to be more than one night,” I state.
Taylor shrugs. “Is it wrong of me to want more than one night?”
Shaking my head, I reply, “Not at all. You also need love and affection. We all do.”
“So you think it’s a good idea? Given that he’s Macy’s doctor and all?”
Hannah and I both nod in agreement and Taylor visibly relaxes. The doorbell chimes and I look up to see Cameron and Noah making their way towards us. Taylor jumps up and I grab her hand quickly. “Call me if you need anything, okay?”
She nods, a grateful smile adorning her face. “Thanks, Hayley.”
Taylor goes back to serving her other customers and Noah and Cameron drop into the booth with us. Cameron wraps his arm around me, pulling me close into his side. “I missed you,” he whispers, his hot breath tickling the sensitive skin around my neck.
I chuckle, playfully rolling my eyes. “You saw me less than twenty minutes ago.”
“That’s a really long time,” he retorts. He pouts, giving me puppy dog eyes that make my insides do somersaults, and I resist the yearning to sink my teeth into his bottom lip.
“Ugh,” Noah snorts. “You two make me sick. You’re like two horny teenagers. Why don’t you just do each other right here?”
“Because,” Cameron replies, nuzzling my neck. “I don’t think ‘doggie style’ is on the menu.”
Hannah chokes on her hot chocolate and I feel my cheeks flush.
“Cameron!” I hiss, slapping his thigh. “Don’t say things like that here!”
“Yeah, please, that’s definitely too much information,” Hannah adds. She winks at me and I know she’s teasing. Cameron and I have yet to venture into that kind of territory. But that’s not to say the sex isn’t hot enough already. Because it is. Ridiculously hot. It makes me blush just thinking about it.
“I’m sorry, Hayls.” Cameron unleashes his panty-dropping smile and I’m no longer able to be irritated with his comment. He threads his fingers with mine and brings my hand up to his lips, kissing my palm.
Hannah and Noah start bickering, which is nothing new when they’re together, but Cameron and I hardly notice. We stare at each other a little longer than what’s deemed appropriate for public displays of affection and my body starts to hum, the heat from his body radiating onto mine and making me keenly aware of his closeness.
He leans closer to me, his mouth inches from mine. “Later,” he whispers, like he read my mind. He brushes my lips briefly before another protest comes from the other side of the table. This time it’s from Hannah.
“Okay, seriously, I’m getting jealous watching the two of you eye f*ck each other, so for the sake of my lacking sex life, please stop.”
“Oh God,” Noah groans. “I don’t need to hear about your sex life, please. That’s gross.”
Hannah rolls her eyes. “Are you f*cking kidding me? I hear about yours almost every night. It’s a good thing mom and dad aren’t at home that often, otherwise they’d think you’ve turned our house into a brothel. And for the love of my eardrums, stop screwing girls who scream like banshees or at least stuff a sock in their mouths. I can’t handle the sound of cats being strangled any longer.”
Noah stares at his sister, shocked. Cameron and I laugh at Hannah’s crass statement, not only because of Noah’s face, but also because it’s probably true.
“I’m not that bad,” Noah grumbles.
Hannah snorts. “No, you’re worse.”
For the first time since I met them, I don’t think I’ve ever seen them act this harshly towards one another. Something tells me there’s more to it than what they’re letting on and I resolve to find out from Hannah exactly what it is. But that can wait for now. We have a victory to celebrate.
I turn to look at Cam, smiling when I see his eyes have never left me. “Congratulations on your win, Cam. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you, buttercup.” His new nickname for me always makes me sigh. It’s corny, but it’s grown on me in the last few weeks. In fact, Cameron has grown on me. We’ve been inseparable for the most part, and he spends a little more time over at my grandmother’s house than I do at his. But he never complains. I made it clear that I didn’t want to do anything that would upset Ari’s routine, and me sleeping over at Cameron’s house would definitely do that.
“Okay, kids,” Taylor says, stepping up to our table. Her smile wavers when she sees Noah. He always makes her uncomfortable, and I don’t blame her. He’s a shameless flirt and can even charm the pants off a mannequin if he tried hard enough. Something about the way he looks at Taylor even makes me a little uncomfortable, like he’s eyeing his prey. “What can I get you?”
“Burger and fries, right here,” Cameron replies, rubbing his stomach.
“Same here,” Noah adds. “But with a side of you, sexy.”
Taylor rolls her eyes. I’m sure she’s been hit on by customers before, so it can’t be new to her. She turns her gaze to me and smiles expectantly.
“Uh, I’ll just have a plate of fries, please.”
“Me too,” Hannah pipes up.
Taylor grabs our menus and walks straight into the kitchen to place our orders. When she’s out of sight, I glower at Noah.
“What?” he asks, shrugging his shoulders.
“You’re a pig, that’s what,” Hannah snaps.
“Cam, c’mon, some help would be nice.” Noah looks at Cameron, his eyes pleading.
“Don’t look at me,” Cameron says, lifting his hands in defeat. “You’re on your own.”
Noah mutters, “A*shole,” under his breath and Hannah kicks him under the table, hard enough to make it rattle.
The mood has taken a turn for the worse and I’m even more anxious to know what happened between Hannah and her brother. Luckily, our food arrives, and before any more insults can be hurled across the table, we dig in.
“So,” Hannah says, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “I was thinking it would be awesome if we all did Christmas together this year.”
The idea thrills me and I immediately perk up. “I think that’s a great idea. I would love a big Christmas. We can do ‘Secret Santa’.” I clap my hands excitedly and hear Cameron chuckle next to me.
“We can do it at our house,” he suggests. “Mom will love it.”
“Can we invite Taylor and Macy?” I ask. “I don’t think they have anyone to spend it with, and I’d hate for them to be alone.”
Cameron just smiles and leans over to kiss my nose. “Of course, Angel. Anything you want.”
I grin happily, probably looking like a total goof ball, and finish my fries. After we’re all done, Cameron pays the bill, much to my annoyance because he never lets me pay, and we make our way outside.
“I’ll see you in a little bit,” Cameron says, walking me to my car.
I smile up at him. “Okay, but don’t stay away too long. This weather calls for some major snuggle time.”
He gives me a kiss and I fight my body’s natural desire to deepen it, prolong it. It’s always like that with us, a little bit is never enough. I watch him walk to his truck and climb in, saying his goodbyes to Hannah and Noah on his way out of the parking lot.
Hannah walks over to me and I notice that her eyes are wet, glistening with tears.
“Hey, are you okay, girly?” I ask. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen her so upset and it bothers me. Hannah is usually so strong and so outspoken. But now, she just looks defeated and hurt.
“Yeah,” she sniffles and wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I’m just going to go home and crawl into bed with a book, I think.”
“Han, what happened between you and Noah? You guys have never been so nasty towards each other before.”
She shakes her head. “We had a fight earlier, at the swim meet, but I’ll tell you about it another time. Maybe we can do coffee tomorrow? Plan our Christmas day and all that?”
“Of course.” I hug her and she squeezes me a little harder than usual. “Call me tomorrow morning.”
She nods and climbs into her car, which is parked next to mine. I wave goodbye as she drives away and then make my way home.
When I stop in the driveway of my grandmother’s house, I frown when I spot the black town car parked on the curb. It’s a little strange, and out of place. Thinking nothing of it, I walk up the porch steps and open the front door. “Gama, I’m home!”
I throw my bag down and take my jacket off before searching for my grandmother and Ari.
My footsteps halt when I reach the threshold of the living room, wishing I wasn’t seeing what was right in front of me. Or rather who is right in front of me.
My father.
“There you are, sweetheart,” my grandmother says, standing up from the sofa. I can see by the look on her face that she’s relieved to see me. “I was wondering when you’d be home.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask. My happiness from earlier slowly seeps out of my body and I feel my face contort into a scowl, directed at the man in front of me.
“I came to see you,” my father replies. He diverts his eyes to the floor. Coward.
“What for?” My question comes out harsh and louder than I intended.
“Now, honey,” my grandmother interrupts. “Please, calm down and lower your voice.” Her head tilts to the side and the reason for her request sinks in. Ari is probably asleep upstairs and if I had to raise my voice I’d wake her up. And given that my father doesn’t know about her, I’m guessing it wouldn’t go down very well. Talk about an awkward family reunion.
“Sorry, Gama.” I look at my father, noting how his face is more drawn than it used to be, and how his hair has not only grayed a little more, but it has also thinned. The last two years certainly haven’t been kind to him. My chest constricts. I’ve missed him. So much. But I had to learn to live without him and my mother after I was labeled as not only a disgrace to our family, but also a common whore in our community.
“Well? What are you doing here?” I ask again, biting back the anger and resentment that have suddenly risen after being dormant for so long. It tastes like acid, burning its way up my throat and into my mouth.
My father sighs. “Hayley bear - ”
“Don’t you dare call me that. You lost that right two years ago.”
His face drops. “I needed to come see you, and make sure you were doing okay.”
“I haven’t heard a damn thing from you in two years,” I grind out. “Why would you start giving a shit about me now?”
“Hayley Tanner,” my grandmother chides next to me. “Watch your tone.”
“Are you kidding me, Gama? You’re defending him?”
She shakes her head. “No, Hayley, but he’s still your father and you don’t need to be disrespectful. That’s not what I have taught you.”
Her eyes meet mine and I can see her own anger and sadness fighting to stay hidden. She has gone through everything I have, right alongside me, after all. “And I think you should hear what he has to say.”
She ushers me to the sofa. “Now, take a seat, and I’ll go make some tea. Try not to kill you father while I’m gone.”
When she’s gone, the silence between my father and me is deafening, and he shifts uncomfortably. Good. I hope he feels so uncomfortable that he’ll leave.
He starts to speak and I curse my bad luck.
“I know I haven’t been around - ”
I snort. “Abandoning your only child when she needs you the most isn’t simply ‘not being around’, dad.”
He pulls his hands through his hair and I guess that’s what has made his hair thin. He must do it a lot.
He lifts his head and finally looks at me, a look of exasperation and regret on his tired face. “I’m sorry, Hayley. I was wrong. I shouldn’t have just left you to fend for yourself.”
“But you did. You cast me aside like the common whore everyone accused me of being.”
“What did you expect? There was a video of you, Hayley - ”
I put my hand up to silence him. “I know. I had to live with it, remember? All the gossip at school, all the bullying until graduation? I lived through all of that, and where were you? Drinking away your sorrows while mom continued to screw every single one of your business partners.”
“It was a hard time for all of us,” he says, his voice low.
“You have got to be kidding me right now!” I throw my arms up. “You have no idea what hell I went through after that damn video was sent to everyone at school. So don’t you dare expect me to feel sorry for you.” My throat thickens and I can feel my anger rise to tears that threaten to spill over onto my cheeks. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I chant silently in my head. But I know it’s no use. The angry tears spill and I wipe them away furiously.
My grandmother comes in with a tray and places it on the table.
My father looks away. “I never stopped thinking about you, Hayley, and I never stopped caring either.”
“Then where have you been for the last two years?” I yell. “Why has it taken you so long to come find me?”
My father exchanges a look with my grandmother and she gives the slightest shake of her head. I wasn’t meant to see it, but I did, and now I know they’re hiding something.
“What is it?” I demand, my head darting between the two of them. “What are you not telling me?”
“Jefferson,” my grandmother warns.
“You didn’t tell her?” my father asks incredulously.
“Tell me what? What the f*ck is going on?”
My grandmother is too busy glaring at my father to notice my fowl language. Not that I care right now.
“Hayley,” my father sighs. “I’ve known where you are from the first day you arrived here. I’ve been sending your grandmother money to make sure you’re taken care of.”
I gape at them. What? “Is he telling the truth?” The question is directed at my grandmother and she nods.
“Yes, sweetheart, it’s the truth. I called him the day you showed up on my front porch and told him you were here.”
“Did you tell him about…” my words trail off but my grandmother knows what I’m asking. Did she tell him about Ari? She shakes her head. No.
“Tell me about what?”
Shit. Now I’ve really stuck my foot in it.
“Nothing,” I reply. “It’s nothing.”
“Jefferson, tell Hayley why you’re really here.” My father looks at my grandmother and then back at me.
“Your mother and I,” he swallows hard, “are getting a divorce. I’m leaving her.”
“Why now? Why not years ago when she had her first affair?”
“Because, some new information has come to light, and that’s another reason why I came.”
Great. Like this conversation needs any more enlightenment.
I give him my best ‘hurry up and get on with it’ expression and wait for him to continue.
“Her last affair was just before that video of you and that Kyle kid came out, and it was with another one of my business associates. Apparently, his daughter went to school with you.”
“What does that have to do with me and mom's affair?”
My grandmother takes a seat next to me and holds my hand, and I know I’m not going to like whatever my father is about to tell me.
“Well,” my father continues. “The man she had an affair with is Richard Allen, and his daughter is Kimber Allen.”
My face pales and I feel the oxygen dissipate from my lungs. That’s a name I was hoping I would never have to hear again. She’s the one who recorded my one night stand with Kyle and then sent it to all her contacts, who then sent it to all of their contacts, until eventually every cellphone and digital device had it at school.
“Oh my God,” I whisper, feeling my eyes grow wet again. Dammit. It made me sick enough to think that everyone saw my one nightstand, but now that I know why it happened, it makes me feel even more ill. This is just too much information all at once.
I stand up. When I manage to speak my voice comes as a hoarse whisper. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”
“Hayley, I - ”
“JUST GO!” I scream, feeling myself crumbling from the inside out. All the shame I’ve carried around is suddenly staring me in the face and I don’t know if I can deal with this all over again.
My thoughts come to a standstill when a little voice calls for me from the top of the stairs. “Mommy?”
My grandmother moves but I stop her.
“I’ll get her,” I say, ignoring the quizzical look that becomes a look of understanding on my father’s face.
I round the corner and see Ari, waiting patiently for me to come to her. She rubs her eyes, clutching her pink bunny to her chest. The sight of her alone quiets the raging storm inside me and I climb the stairs quickly to get to her. I drop to my knees in front of her and hug her to me, as if she is the very air that I breathe.
“Mommy, don’t cwy,” she says. Her little lip quivers and I imagine how seeing me in such a state could be upsetting to her.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I coo into her hair. “Mommy won’t cry anymore. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She clutches me and I pick her up, not quite ready to let go of her. When I walk downstairs and back into the living room, my father and my grandmother are having a conversation, their voices nothing but harsh whispers.
My grandmother walks over to us. “Did you have a nice nap?” she asks Ari. My father is watching us, his expression a mixture of curiosity and disbelief. “Is it time for princess Ari to eat?”
Ari squirms and holds onto me tighter when my grandmother tries to reach for her. Ari is too attuned to me and my emotions and she can feel that I’m upset. She’s always been able to do that. I kiss her forehead, hoping it will soothe her. The last thing I wanted was for her to be upset because I’m upset, and I certainly never imagined that she’d be meeting her grandfather like this either. I’ve just had what feels like a bomb dropped on me, but all I care about is Ari, and making sure that none of this ever affects her.
“It’s fine,” I tell my grandmother. “I’ll feed her in a little while.”
My grandmother smiles sadly at me but doesn’t protest or insists that she takes Ari from me. She stays put, but close enough to flank me, and I take a tentative step towards my father, but stay out of reaching distance. For some reason I’m nervous to have him finally know about Ari, like she won’t be mine anymore. It’s an absurd thought to have because no matter what, she will always be mine.
My father looks at Ari, and then at me, and then back to Ari. “Is she…”
“Yes,” I reply. “She’s two years old.”
My father gasps and covers his mouth, his eyes welling up. Not quite the reaction I was expecting, since my father was never one for displaying emotions, but I see sadness in his eyes, and penitence. Remorse and guilt, too. Suddenly I have a whole new understanding of what he must be feeling. I no longer look at him through the eyes of an angry child, but through the eyes of a parent. I would feel the same way he does now, realizing just how much he’s missed, if I were in his shoes.
Looking down at Ari, her head is tucked away in my neck. “Ari, sweetheart, this is your grandfather.”
She eyes him cautiously, probably trying to piece it all together in her little mind.
“She’s beautiful,” my father says, wiping his tears. “She looks just like you.”
He doesn’t say anything about Kyle and I’m grateful. I’m sure it’ll come up eventually but I won’t bring it up now. That’s a whole different can of worms I’m just not ready to open yet. And I hope I won’t have to. We spend a little while talking, my father making his intention to be part of my life, and Ari’s, clear. I have no idea how to feel about it, except cautious. Is it strange that I don’t trust him after all this time? Maybe, but it’s not just me that I have to be cautious for.
Later, once my father has left, and Ari is safely tucked in bed, Cameron finally shows up and I practically throw myself at him.
“Hey,” he chuckles. “I didn’t think you’d miss me that much. You saw me a few hours ago.”
He pulls away, frowning as soon as he sees my red, blotchy face and puffy eyes. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
I shake my head and hold onto him tighter, not quite capable of saying anything yet. After my father left, I spent a good thirty minutes holed up in my room, crying all over again. It felt like all of the anger and indignation that I’ve kept bottled up for all this time left my body all at once, in the form of an epic tear-and-snot filled episode. Strangely enough, I felt like I needed it.
“Is she okay?” Cameron asks my grandmother, who walks past us on her way out of the kitchen.
“She’s fine, dear. Why don’t you take her up to bed, she just needs some rest and tomorrow she’ll be right as rain.”
I hear my grandmother make her way upstairs and then I’m airborne, cradled in Cameron’s arms and pressed against his chest. He places me on the bed and starts undressing me, giving way to my need to numb what I’m feeling. I crush my mouth to his, catching him off guard and making him fall onto the bed with me. I grab him, desperate to forget the mess inside my head for a little while.
“Whoa,” Cameron says, holding me to his chest instead of pushing me away. “Easy there, tiger.”
“I want you,” I whisper. I try to capture his mouth with mine again but he dodges my efforts and I feel a slight sting of rejection.
“Don’t you want me?” I ask petulantly. I’m whining, and I know it, but I’m desperate.
“Of course I do,” Cameron replies gently. “I always want you. But not like this.”
I look away, and try to push myself away from Cameron. I’m suddenly trying to escape and it seems I can’t do it fast enough. My own behavior embarrasses me. What am I doing? Why am I behaving like a total nut job right now?
Cameron wraps an arm around my waist. “You’re not going anywhere,” he says, crushing me to him. “Not until you talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong, Hayley, I hate seeing you this upset and not knowing how to make it better.”
I keep my face averted, afraid that if I look at him I’ll crack and then he’ll think I really have gone mental.
“My father was here.” I don’t recognize my own voice, it sounds foreign. It’s hoarse.
“What? Why was he here? And after two years?”
I relay the story to Cameron, leaving out the part about Kimber and the sex video. I should feel guilty about that but right now I feel nothing but emotional exhaustion. Cameron listens, allowing me to cry until I have no tears left. He doesn’t judge me, or tell me I’m crazy for being so emotional. Instead, he wipes my tears and runs me a hot bath. He allows me to draw from his quiet strength, remaining quiet as he takes care of me. It isn’t until we’re curled up in bed, wrapped around each other, that I realize what he’s actually done, and what he’s still doing.
He’s loving me.