Chapter 17
~ Cameron ~
Hayley’s fingers trail down my arm as she traces the lines of my tattoo. It’s an angel, with her head on my shoulder, and wings that come down to my elbow. Her scanty clothing is ripped, showing off her abdomen, parts of her breasts and her butt exposed. It was my first tat, and is probably still my favorite.
“And this one?” she asks.
My fingers slip through her hair as she gazes at me. My body hums, heating at all the points where our bodies touch. I’m relieved to see the smile on her face, the one she reserves for when we’re alone like this. When I arrived at her grandmother's house last night, Hayley was a mess. But this morning, curled up against my side, asking me about my ink, she looks happy. She’s only been awake for an hour, and decided to familiarize herself with the letters and pictures that permanently mark my skin. I woke up a little before she did, and decided to spend some time with Ari. Just like her mother, the little munchkin has crawled into my heart and burrowed herself a nice, cozy spot. And with the two of them occupying the space in my chest, my heart feels lighter and fuller at the same time. Noah would tell me I’m a p-ssy if I ever had to say this out loud, so I keep it to myself, tucked away for when the time is right to tell Hayley that I think I might love her.
“Noah and I got these when we turned eighteen. He has a redhead on his left arm.”
“Does it have any significance?”
“No,” I chuckle. “We got it on a dare. Noah said I wouldn’t have the balls to get something so big, so I said if he got it, I would, too.”
Hayley’s hand drags across my chest, making my skin break out in gooseflesh. Her giggle travels from her body onto mine and I fight a shiver. Her face is light, her troubles from the night before gone.
She shifts and pulls herself further up. “What does this one say?” She points to the scroll that spans my rib cage, starting just below my pec and ending above my hip. Her mouth moves as she whispers the words…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.
“I got it a year after the accident,” I say, somewhat absentmindedly, my voice low. “I wanted to believe that there is a reason it was my dad, and not me, and that it was all part of God’s elaborate plan we call ‘Life’.”
Hayley’s lips brush against my skin, her eyes piercing mine. She has disarmed me in every way imaginable, but I don’t know how to tell her yet.
Her hands drift back up, over my chest, counting the three stars on each pec, and then come to a stop on my forearm.
“That one says ‘Love Cannot Save You From Your Own Fate,” I tell her before she gets the chance to ask. Her brows arch.
“I never thought I’d see a tattoo about love anywhere on your body,” she replies quietly.
“I got it at a time in my life when I thought love was nothing more than a farce, something to give us false hope when we feel alone and lost. I didn’t believe it existed.”
“And what do you believe now?”
I sit up and bring Hayley closer so that she straddles me. I brush her hair out of her face, rubbing her cheek. She’s watching me from below her lashes and, f*ck me, it’s so damn sexy. “You make me want to believe it exists, and that I deserve it.”
I hear her sharp inhalation before she says, “Of course you deserve it. Everybody does. It doesn’t always happen when we expect it, but that’s the beauty of it. When it catches you by surprise, that’s when you know it’s for real.”
We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, and I feel like I’m getting lost in the green pools of her eyes. Our heartbeats are in perfect synch, thrumming along to our own imaginary tune.
“Cam, I - ” her words get stuck in her throat just as her phone vibrates next to the bed. She drops her head and groans into my shoulder.
“You’d better get that, buttercup.” I kiss her neck, nipping it with my teeth and then licking. “I need to get ready anyway, I’m meeting Noah in a little while and then I have to study.” As much as I hate having to leave Hayley’s bed, our exams are in full swing and with one semester left before I graduate, my grades are also a priority.
Hayley groans, “Fine,” and then slides from my lap, deliberately pressing down onto my cock. She grins wickedly.
“You’re going to pay for that one, baby.” I get out of bed and head to the bathroom, hearing Hayley mutter, and “I’m counting on it,” before answering her phone. After a few minutes of standing under the hot water, Hayley’s arms slide around my waist, and she makes it next to impossible for me to leave.
I dress before Hayley finishes up in the bathroom and make my way downstairs. Walking into the kitchen, I greet Mrs. Tanner and then watch Ari’s face light up at the sound of my voice.
“Can I make you some coffee?” Mrs. Tanner offers, giving me a friendly smile. For a while now I’ve been worried that the woman doesn’t like me, which is absurd because let’s face it, all women like me, but I soon came to realize that she was just sizing me up, the same way any mother would. Of course our situation is slightly different, and she’s not only looking out for Hayley, but for Ari, too. I can respect that and hopefully she’s starting to see that I would never intentionally do anything to hurt either of them.
“That would be great, thanks, Mrs. Tanner.”
She frowns. “Cameron, please, I’ve told you a thousand times to call me Marie, or Gama. Mrs. Tanner was my mother-in-law's name and she might be six feet under but God knows I’ve never liked her. Are we clear?”
I chuckle. “Yes, ma’am, “ I pause realizing my mistake. “I mean, yes, Marie.”
“That’s better.”
I take a seat in front of Ari and fork some of the fruit that has been cut up for her. I know Jordan loves it when I feed him this way, so I start twirling the fork around and make noises like choo-choo and swoosh before placing the plastic fork in Ari’s mouth. She giggles and claps excitedly, waiting in anticipation for more. I never thought that I’d end up in a relationship with someone who has a two-year-old, but for some reason, that became a non-issue shortly after Hayley and I started dating. Sure, it’s a little harder to get some alone time, and we’ve had to be creative when it comes to when and where we have sex, but I’ve never felt like it’s a hassle or inconvenience. It surprises me that being with Hayley and Ari has become one of the most natural things to me, especially given my history with women and relationships. But I wasn’t lying when I told Hayley that she makes me want to try, and every day since I told her about my father and me, I’ve found myself trying without much effort.
“Again!” Ari squeals. I take the last piece of fruit and dip the fork in dramatic loop one last time before pretending to crash land in her little mouth. She munches happily and I grin when she looks at me. The hair on my nape stands up and I can feel Hayley hovering somewhere close by. I turn my gaze and find her, leaning against the wall just inside the kitchen. She gives me her secret smile and my stomach trips over itself. God, I love it when she looks at me like that, like she loves me. That thought alone makes my insides do another flip.
Ari wriggles in her high chair when she spots Hayley across the room. “Mommy!”
Hayley saunters over to us and gives Ari a kiss on the forehead. Her love for Ari pulsates off of her in waves, and admittedly, for the first time, well, ever, I think her ‘mommy’ status is outright sexy as f*ck. My arm wraps around her slender waist and I pull her into my leg.
“You know,” I whisper into her ear so that only she can hear me. “I always knew I’d date a M.I.L.F”
Her eyes widen and she slaps me on my chest. I grab her hand and kiss her palm. “You’re so bad,” she says softly.
“You like it.” I grin when she bites her bottom lip.
Clearing her throat, she says, “I’d better get going. I’m meeting Hannah in a few minutes and I still need to take Ari to day care.”
“I’ll take her,” I offer.
“No, Cam, I - ” Hayley starts to protest but I silence her by cupping her mouth with my hand.
“I want to,” I insist. “And I don’t think Ari will mind.” I turn to look at Ari, who has been watching us with curious eyes this entire time, and smile warmly at her. “Do you, Ari?”
“I go wif Cam, Mommy. Please.”
Smirking, I look back at Hayley. Even two-year-old girls find my charm irresistible. That and I really don’t mind doing it.
“Are you sure?”
I lean closer, our lips a breath apart. “Absolutely. It’s on my way.”
“Thank you.” Hayley kisses me quickly and I know it’s because she doesn’t want to get carried away in front of Ari.
“I’ll see you later, monkey pants,” Hayley says. She kisses Ari on the cheek and hugs her goodbye before making her way out the door.
After I’ve dropped Ari off, I make the short drive to Noah and Hannah’s parents' house. I hum along to some country song and think about how different things have been since Hayley walked into my life. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel so… content… maybe even euphoric. Then again, I’m not sure I even knew what happiness truly was until Hayley. And Ari. Because her big, innocent brown eyes remind me of one of the good things about this world. It feels like my world has been righted, placed back on its axis after being off kilter for far too long.
I pull up to Noah’s parents' house and walk right in. It has basically been my second my home for most of my life so I don’t bother with trivial things like knocking.
“In here!” Noah yells from the living room. He’s wearing nothing but his pajama bottoms and his hair looks freshly ruffled. And he smells like sex. Great. At least he had the decency to finish up his morning romp before I showed up. Lord knows I’ve seen his bare ass in the air more times than I wish to remember.
“Hey, man. What’s going on?” I bump his fist and drop onto the plush sofa next to him.
“Ah, nothing much, just the usual.”
As if on cue, a leggy blonde strolls into the lounge looking thoroughly f*cked. She has that glazed look in her eyes, like she’s as high as f*cking kite.
I keep my mouth shut as she sits down and tries to cuddle up to Noah. He isn’t that kind of guy, and if I thought I was bad when it came to ‘hump and dumps’, Noah certainly takes the cake. At least now he does. F*cking a new girl regularly and not bothering to remember her name lost its appeal and being with Hayley has proven that sex with the same person doesn’t have to be boring or repetitive. In fact, it can be even more satisfying, especially when you’re both into some of the freakier things. I shake my head, ridding my mind of those thoughts before my dick hardens. Noah will give me endless shit about that.
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” the blonde asks. Her voice is whiny and I imagine her being one of the ‘screeching banshees’ that Hannah mentioned yesterday.
“Cameron, this is Lacey, Lacey this is my best friend, Cameron.” Noah doesn't even look at her as he introduces us. Douche.
The blonde's face screws into a scowl. “My name is Amber.”
Noah shrugs. “Whatever. I think it’s time for you to leave. I’ll call you.” Liar. He never calls them the next day. He doesn’t believe in recycling.
Amber huffs, and after throwing a few choice words at Noah, she storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her. Classy. He really knows how to pick ‘em.
“Thank the Pope,” Noah groans. “About damn time she left.”
“You’re such an a*shole.”
“Ha! Pot meet kettle.”
I frown at Noah, rubbing my fingers through my hair. “What the f*ck crawled up your ass and died?” I ask, responding to his irritation.
“Nothing,” he snaps. For someone who probably spent the morning f*cking his brains out, he sure is cranky.
“Does this have anything to do with Hannah?”
Noah looks at me for the first time since I arrived and I can see I’ve hit a nerve.
“Why would you say that?”
I sigh. “C’mon, Noah. I saw how you two had a go at each other yesterday. You guys always fight, but yesterday it was…” I pause, trying to find the right word. “Real.”
“I don’t know, man, she was one her period or something and being a total bitch.”
I give him an are-you-f*cking-shitting-me-right-now glare and finally he acquiesces. “Fine. I said some things I shouldn’t have and hurt her feelings, okay? God, why do you have to be so f*cking pushy about it?”
“Because Hannah is my friend, too, and yesterday you were a complete prick to her.”
Noah’s face falls and he looks down, fiddling with the drawstring of his pajamas. “Yeah, I know.”
“What did you say to her?”
“She went on a date and I told her she mustn’t sleep with the guy. Then we got into this big ass argument and I ended up calling her a whore. I might have also told her I wished she’d never moved back home and my life was so much better with her living in the dorms on campus.”
I clench my fists, resisting the unfamiliar urge I have to punch my best friend in the balls. “Why would you say that, Noah? We both know if there’s a whore in your family it’s certainly not Hannah.”
He shoots me a dark look and I have no choice but to raise my hands in defeat. “I know, I know. I don’t have room to talk, but you know I’m right.”
“Well f*ck, Cameron, we can’t all have what you have, okay?”
“What the f*ck are you talking about, Noah?” I feel my anger surfacing, and giving rise to the need to just leave. I was having a great morning until I showed up here and came face-to-face with this grouch.
“I mean with Hayley. We can’t all have that.”
Feeling my frown deepen, I stare at Noah, confused. “Uh, it’s called a relationship, and if you gave yourself the chance to find someone decent, there’s nothing stopping you from having one.”
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”
“Okay, you’ve lost me.”
Noah rolls his eyes and throws his arms up in exasperation. “F*ck, Cam, do I need to spell it out for you? I’m talking about love, you idiot. You love Hayley - ” my hand shoots up and I cut him off mid-sentence.
“Noah, I don’t know about that.”
“Please, Cam, stop bullshitting yourself. You’re falling ass over elbow for that girl and her kid so fast you don’t even realize it.”
I’m sure my expression must amuse Noah because loud laughter suddenly bursts from his chest. “Oh man,” he laughs, slapping my back. “You have it bad.”
Before I have the chance to think about his words, we hear the front door open and Hayley and Hannah appear at the entrance to the living room. Their eyes are red and puffy. What the f*ck.
“Baby? What’s wrong? Are you girls okay?” I jump up and walk over to them. Noah is at my side in an instant when he sees Hannah’s distress.
“Where’s your phone?” Hayley asks, her voice sounding both rough and soft at the same time. I feel in my pockets. “Shit,” I murmur. “It must be in the truck. Why?”
Hayley looks at Hannah and then back at me. A tear slides down her cheek and I wipe it away as she sniffles. “Tell me what’s going on, Hayley, I’m about to lose my shit over here, baby.”
“Candice called,” she replies, looking down. “She couldn’t get ahold of you so she called me to see if you were with me.”
My stomach drops and the worst feeling of dread settles over me, over us, cloaking us.
“It’s your dad, Cam. He’s…he’s…dead.”
** ** ** ** **
Nothing.
I feel nothing.
I stare down at my father’s lifeless body and feel… nothing. I don’t know what to feel. Relief maybe? That he’s finally gone to a better place instead of being stuck in a f*cking hospital bed? I.don’t.know.what.the.f*ck.to.feel.
The coroners place my father's body, which suddenly doesn’t even feel like my father anymore, on a gurney and wheel him out of the make-shift hospital room that has been his ‘home’ for these last two years. They carry him downstairs and outside to where their van is parked and I watch my mother fall to pieces. Brett is holding Candice, Noah is holding Hannah and Hayley has taken it upon herself to comfort my weeping mother because I can’t find it in myself to do it. The van drives away and we all stand in the driveway until it disappears throughout the gates.
I turn around and walk up to my room, shutting the door behind me. As soon as I’m alone, I crack, and for the first time since Hayley told me my father is dead, I feel something.
Guilt.
I killed him.
He’s dead because of me.
I’m a monster.
A murderer.
Everything I have worked hard to make peace with surfaces, making me feel like the nineteen-year-old kid who holds himself responsible for what happened to his father. I’ve destroyed our family and taken away the love of my mother’s life. I’ve robbed my sister of a father and Jordan and Aubrey of a grandfather. He will never get to see me graduate, he will never see Aubrey and Jordan grow up. He will never get to see me get married and start a family of my own. And he will never be able to tell my mother he loves her, ever again. Of course, he hasn’t been able to do any of those things since the night of the accident, but we all still held out some hope that a miracle would happen, and he would be able to return to us. But he’s gone. And it’s because of me.
I stare at myself in the mirror, and suddenly unable to stand the reflection of my own face, my fist comes up and shatters it. Shards or glass fall and cut into my skin, but I don’t care. I want it to hurt. I want to feel the pain. It’s only a fraction of the pain I have inflicted on those I love the most.
“FUUUUUUUUCK!!!” I yell into the empty room, dropping to my knees. Hot tears streak down my face and I start sobbing, feeding off the hatred I feel towards myself. I slam my bloodied fists onto the tiles, not giving a f*ck that it hurts like hell. I deserve it.
I hear my bedroom door open slowly and then shut again, but I don’t look up. The way the hair stand up on my arms and my nape indicates that it’s Hayley. Even when I’m a total f*cking mess, my hands covered in blood and my face wet with tears, my body still responds to her presence. But I don’t want her here. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to hurt her but I know I’m going to. I always knew breaking her heart was an inevitability, but I had hoped it would be a little while longer before I tore it to pieces.
“Oh my God, Cameron. Are you okay?”
She kneels down next to me and tries to reach for my injured hands but I don’t let her.
“Let me get you cleaned up,” she says. Her eyes are still red, and I hate myself for what I’m about to do to this sweet, incredible girl. But it’s for the best. She’s better off without me.
“No,” I grind through my teeth. My jaw ticks as I try to reign in my anger. “You need to leave, Hayley. Now.”
Her eyebrows dip in confusion and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“LEAVE!” I yell. “JUST F*ckING LEAVE, HAYLEY, I DON’T WANT YOU HERE.”
I choke back a sob because the way she looks at me, all lost and scared, is tearing me to shreds, and I can’t deal with anything more right now.
“Why?” Tears stream down her face and the internal struggle between my heart and my head becomes a full on war. I want to pull her into me, hold her tight and breathe her in until I feel okay. But I also want to push her away and protect her from what I am. God. please, don’t let me destroy her. Please, God, please.
“Because I don’t want you here, Hayley!”
She flinches, her eyes searching my face for only she knows what. “But I love you, Cam.”
Her eyes widen with her admission, like she never meant to say it. Something in my chest tightens. I love you, too, I want to say, but I don’t. Instead I scowl and move away from her. It’s for the best, I remind myself, saying it over and over like a mantra. It’s better to get this over with now than when we are in too deep.
Who the f*ck am I kidding? I’m already in too deep.
“Leave, Hayley. Just get the f*ck out of here!”
She stands up and backs away, cupping her mouth and clutching her stomach. Her body is shaking, and the tears are unending. God, I’m such a prick.
“You don’t mean that,” she cries. The anguish in her words comes to me quietly but slices me open and leaves me raw. She doesn’t deserve this, but I do, and watching her walk away from me, is an image I won’t soon forget.