Ah, right. Sorry.
Felix dropped his hands from his head and held them loosely at his side, still looking at the door through which his brother had exited. It was a wooden door with yellow glass panes inset.
We were never great buddies, he added. But the whole thing with Mam getting sick, yeah. I really won’t get into it because I’ll be here all night giving you the details. But anyway, me and him have not been getting on the best in the last few years. If I knew we were going to run into him I would have given you more background.
Still she said nothing. He turned around to look at her, his expression agitated now or unhappy.
I can read, by the way, he said. I don’t know why he went down that line of saying I’m illiterate and all that. I’m not great at reading, but I can read. And I don’t think you really care anyway.
Of course I don’t.
Yeah, he was always better than me in school so I suppose he likes to bring it up in front of people. He’s one of these lads who has to put other people down so he can feel like the big man. Mam used to criticise him on that and he didn’t like it. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Stupid thing is, he actually annoys me. I mean I’m annoyed now.
I’m sorry.
He looked back at her again. Not your fault, he said. You were good. I could have watched you and him have it out for a while, that side was funny to me. That’s the thing about you being so intimidating, it’s enjoyable when you do it to other people.
She dropped her gaze to the ground and said softly: I don’t enjoy it.
Do you not? A small bit, you must.
No, I don’t.
Why do you do it, then? he asked.
Intimidate people? she said. I don’t intend to.
He frowned. But you know the way you act, he said. Putting the fear of God into people. You know what I’m talking about. I’m not having a go at you.
You may find it hard to believe this, she said, but when I meet people, I actually try to be nice.
He let out a yelp of laughter and in response Alice gave a sigh, leaning against the wall, covering her eyes.
Is the idea so amusing? she said.
If you’re trying to be nice, why do you make cutting remarks all the time?
I don’t all the time.
No, but you come out with them when it suits you, he said. I’m not saying you’re a nasty person or anything. Just that people wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of you.
Sharply she replied: Yes, you’ve made that point.
He raised his eyebrows, and for a few seconds was silent. Finally he said mildly: Jesus, I’m getting attacked on all sides this evening. She bowed her head, as if despondent or tired, but made no reply. You’re not the easiest person to get along with, he added, but you know that yourself.
Felix, is it too much to ask that you might stop criticising my personality? she asked. I don’t want you to flatter me. You really don’t have to say anything about me at all. I just don’t find the negative feedback useful.
He watched her uncertainly for a few seconds. Alright, he said. I’m not trying to upset you.
She said nothing. Her silence seemed to bother him, and he put his hands in his pockets before taking them out again.
Yeah, it’s like Damian was saying, he said. You think I don’t appreciate you. Fair enough, maybe I don’t.
Still she said nothing, and stared down at her feet. He looked restless, irritable, anxious.
See, you’re used to getting treated differently, he went on. From people who know about you and think you’re really important and everything. And then when I treat you in a normal way it’s not good enough. I think if I’m honest, you’ll find someone who appreciates you better, and you’ll be happier.
After a long pause, she said: I think I’d like to go inside now if that’s alright.
He looked down at the ground, frowning. I can’t stop you, he said.
She walked back up the grass toward the house. Before she reached the door, he cleared his throat and said aloud: You know, when I fucked my hand up earlier, the first thing I thought was, I bet Alice won’t be happy about this.
She turned back to him before replying: And I wasn’t.
Yeah, he said. And it’s nice to have someone who would care about something like that.
I get sliced to bits every other week out in that place, and it’s not like I have a lot of people saying, oh, that must have hurt, what happened? And look, maybe there is certain things about you I can’t appreciate, and sometimes I don’t like the tone you put on with me, I’ve admitted that. But say you were above in your house on your own and you weren’t feeling well, or you hurt yourself or something, I would want to know
about it. And if you wanted me to come up and look after you, I would. And I’m sure you’d do the same. Is that not enough to be going on with? Maybe for you it’s not, but it is for me.
They looked at one another. Let me think about it, Alice said.