“Jos?” Wyn asked, her voice so soft I barely heard her.
I clenched my teeth as I breathed in shakily, trying to control the anger, but once again, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. I closed my eyes as I pushed it away, only to have the image of Ilyan’s face after I had snapped at him coming right to the surface. I gasped at the image, the anger leaving as a shard of my broken heart stabbed uncomfortably through my chest.
“I’m s-sorry… I sho-ouldn’t have said-d that. It’s j-just… after last night… when I tried to kill Ryland. He didn’t help me. He went to Ryland,” I said, my voice choking through the emotions.
“I know,” she admitted, the response taking me off guard. I had almost expected her to erupt at my blatant admission of my attempt at Ryland’s life. “I wanted to go help Sain calm him down after Ilyan dragged you off.”
“You helped Sain?” I asked as I leaned toward her, the words accusatory and harsh, but I didn’t try to hide it.
“Yeah, Jos, we are like bosom buddies now,” she said as she winked at me, her face breaking into a wide smile that I wasn’t sure how to interpret. I narrowed my eyes at her in question, but she just sighed and leaned against the wall. “It’s hard to keep Ryland calm after everything they did to him. Sain spent so much time with him, so he’s the only one who can keep him calm…”
I looked away from her, my jaw tensing as I threw myself onto the hard floor, the feathers billowing around me instead of cushioning my fall as I had hoped.
I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. It felt like I was in some kind of Ryland intervention, and she was getting out all the reasons why I should forgive him and go back to the way things were. I just didn’t want to hear it. It wasn’t like I didn’t care because part of me still did. Part of me wanted him to be happy, just not in the way he wanted. I couldn’t be with him, not anymore.
It was like when you had a reoccurring dream of falling. Every night for months you fell off the same building. You were screaming, and no one could stop you from the impact that would wake you up in a cold sweat, your chest heaving. It happened for years, and then, one day you would find yourself face to face with that building. You wouldn’t go in. No one would.
Just like I couldn’t look at Ryland the same way. Even for those brief moments when my mind was clear, I couldn’t see beyond the nightmares that he had given me.
Sometimes you just fall out of love. Sometimes you can’t be with someone who hurts you.
“Your dad loves you, you know,” Wyn whispered into the silence.
I sighed at her words, but I didn’t move from where I lay among the feathers.
“He has a funny way of showing it. The only thing he has really said to me is that I am supposed to save the world.”
I cringed at the thought, not liking the reminder of the fight that was knocking down our door. I could still feel the angry pulse of the Trpaslíks, reminding me that as soon as tomorrow, I could be forced into a battle I wasn’t ready to fight. That I knew I would lose without Ilyan.
“That’s the Drak in him talking.” She said it like that made it all better, and I guess to her it did. Not to me.
To me, I was still harboring that image of my father that I had been clinging to from when I was five. The dad who would give me pony-back rides, chase bugs with me, and read me bedtime stories. I knew it wouldn’t be the same, but I had at least expected him to care more about me than about my abusive ex-boyfriend.
“Yeah, well, I have Drak in me, too, but you don’t see me telling Ilyan to bring me crumpets,” I said, trying to ignore the guilt that mixed with the gentle swoop in my stomach as I said his name.
“Ah… so that’s why he tore apart the chapel. Ilyan hates crumpets.” Wyn laughed as she came to lie down next to me, her body pressing against mine as her movement sent feathers flying over me. I hacked and sputtered as they flew over my nose and tried to wiggle into my mouth.
Wyn laughed and pushed more toward me, but the attempt at playing was only halfhearted. My soul was too sore for me to focus on much else.
I gasped as the words came to mind, the realization almost so simple I felt stupid for not realizing it, and even more stupid for not having done something to stop it. Ilyan held part of my soul and I part of his.
No wonder everything hurt.
Ten
I lay with Wyn among the feathers, the gentle breeze from the windows picking them up and swirling them over our heads in a blizzard of stars and cotton down.