“Can we fix it?” I asked. “Can you put it back?”
“Our magic is so closely connected that, if I attempted to do so, I believe your magic would bond to mine without us making any attempt.”
Even though I would have gladly consented to such a thing, I could hear the echo of Ilyan’s answer in his mind. He wanted to wait, wait until my mind was fully healed.
I had to respect that. Admire the respect he had for me.
“I’m scared, Ilyan, that without it there… how am I supposed to defeat Edmund?”
“You are worried that you won’t be able to control your emotions; that you won’t be able to fight?” His fingers trailed over my jaw at the question, the touch sending a comforting warmth up my spine as I shivered.
Yes. I kept my eyes averted as I spoke into his mind, trying to fight the blush that heated my face and neck at having reacted in such a way.
“That is exactly why I cannot replace the ?tít. As much as I wish to protect you, as much as I wish to do everything for you, you know as well as I do that is not always a possibility. You must master your emotions on your own—master your power—so that things like this do not happen again.”
“But what if Edmund comes tomorrow? I am not ready.”
“You will be, my love. I will help you to be in any way that I can.”
I nodded once in understanding before I moved into him, my arms wrapping around his wide torso while my head turned just enough that I could press my lips against his shirt. I am sorry, Ilyan. I should have never said those things.
“It is all right, my love. I forgive you. I can feel your regret in my soul. I taste your tears on my lips. We all say things that we do not mean, even to the ones we love, but it is because we love them that we can forgive them.”
“I never want to lose you, Ilyan,” I said, the hand that Ilyan still held against my neck pulling me back so he could look at me again.
I could see a million words in his eyes, hear a million things that he wanted to say in his thoughts. Nothing was solid, though, and so many of the words were in Czech that I wouldn't have been able to understand them even if I tried. So I stayed still, savoring every part of him, while the warmth of his hand seeped into my neck, his other keeping me tightly up against him.
“We are not made to fight, my love,” he said, his voice soft and rumbling. “Our souls have been forever bound, both of us carrying each other’s precious cargo. You take away a piece of your soul and you will only feel hatred and fear; your emotions can never be your own.”
“Like Ryland?” I asked, my tongue tripping over the words as my heart constricted.
“Yes,” he answered, his tone making it clear he had felt the brief pain that had moved through me.
“I don't want to feel that way ever again, Ilyan. Like I was broken. Like I would never be myself again. I had enough of that in Cail’s mind, and I never want to feel it again.”
“I never want you to feel it again.”
“Ryland shouldn't feel that way, either,” I said, my eyes pulling away as I ground my teeth against my bottom lip. “I don't know if I believe you that it wasn't Ryland in Cail’s mind, but even if it was, he shouldn't have to feel broken.”
The feathers swirled around my feet as I walked away from Ilyan toward the middle of the floor where the giant stone of the necklace stared up at me from within the feathers. I just stared at it as Ilyan came up behind me, his arm wrapping around my stomach as he pulled me against him. I said nothing to him, even though I could feel his confusion, my eyes trained on the sliver of red amongst the white.
I couldn't believe I was going to do this. Part of me begged myself not to—to let Ryland suffer—yet that part wasn't me; I could never be that cruel. I had felt the hopelessness at being apart from something that was integral to me. If Ilyan was right, if Ryland’s heart was enclosed in this stone, then I knew that he was hurting. In his mind, the only way to make it better was to give him his heart back. To him, that was me. However, it wasn't, not anymore.
His heart was here, on the floor, just waiting to go home.
“I want to give him back his heart,” I said softly, unable to look away from the snaking chain of the necklace that had meant so much to me just weeks before.
Ilyan’s awe washed over me as he relaxed, his arms wrapping tightly around me from behind as he leaned forward to rest his chin against my shoulder.
“Are you sure?” his voice was heavy, his worry almost catching me off guard.