I showered, smearing on lavender lotion and plying eye makeup with a hand so shaky, a smudged-smoky look was inevitable. Only, instead of looking bedroom-sexy, it made me hollow eyed and haunted. I ransacked my pajama drawer—looking for something that didn’t emphasize my jutting ribs and collarbones—and settling on Ryan’s rugby shirt and ruffled boyshorts Hil had dared me to buy last spring.
I hated the idea of losing it bald, but decided that was better than my wig falling off during, which had almost happened last time. I knotted a pink scarf over my spotty fuzz.
Then I paced. And flipped through college catalogs—Dad had removed last year’s sticky notes and retabbed them with schools close to home. I paced more. Tried to prevent guilty Gyver thoughts from invading. Paced to the kitchen and unlocked the door. Tried to coax Jinx upstairs to keep me company. When I’d first gotten sick, she’d shadowed my every move. Lately she’d stayed downstairs and avoided me. Even my cat was judgmental. I gave up and paced back to my bedroom. Lit candles.
Midstride I was winded. I sat at my desk and tried to catch my breath. Then curled up on my bed when it wouldn’t be caught. I gasped and wheezed. Then fell asleep.
When I woke the candles were cold. Ryan’s car was gone.
Flipping on my lights, I blinked at a note on my pillow.
Wouldn’t let myself wake you–—even though
I wanted to. God, you’re sexy.
Call me when you get up.
I love you,
Ryan
I dug my phone from the bottom of my school bag. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he answered. “You know, you’re going to give me a complex. Or drive me crazy.”
“Where are you?” I could hear voices in the background.
“Chris’s. We’re doing a guys’ night. Poker and guy movies.”
“Porno?” I asked, not even trying to hide my disgust.
He laughed. “Um, no. That’s not really a group thing. I meant blood-and-guts movies. The kind you hate.”
“Oh. Oops. Will you come back over?”
“Not tonight. I’m going to hang with Chris.”
“Really?” I was used to be right there.
“Not tonight,” he repeated. “I just … I need a break. Things have been a little … intense. Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” My voice was small. If I lost Ryan, I’d have nothing. What ever he needed, he could have, because I needed him. “It’s no big deal. Say hi to Chris. Have fun.”
Chapter 42
“Kitten, it’s been great to see you so energetic lately,” Mom said as I walked in from a “study date” with Ryan on Sunday. Really we’d been the annoying couple groping in the back of the movie theater, but she didn’t need to know that.
Right now my energy was of the caffeinated variety. I’d made Ryan stop for a large espresso post-film. She didn’t need to know that either.
“Thanks, Mom.” I hugged her and went upstairs, leaving her complaining to Dad about how Jinx kept peeing outside her litter box and Dad responding with the results of my latest kidney function tests.
I’d always played the role of obedient daughter, but now I’d taken the charade to a new level. They didn’t know how often I was breathless and exhausted, or see that my smiles only extended to the edges of my lips.
I was a puppet, strung up with panic, yet still performing when I had an audience. Gyver saw straight through it, or he had back when he was looking at me, before he let my apologies land in unanswered voice mails, e-mails, and knocks on his door. Ryan knew. How could my parents be so oblivious?
Even Principal Baker recognized something was wrong, stopping me in the hallway on Tuesday afternoon when I was wandering during English. “Miss Moore?”
“Yes?”
“I’m concerned with what your teachers are telling me. They’re still not seeing the types of changes we discussed at our meeting on Friday. Is everything all right? Would you like to meet with Ms. Piper?”
I cursed at my shoes. “I’m working on it. I just get so tired.”
“I think it’s time to have your parents in to sit down with all the teachers and reevaluate your needs. Mia, you’re going to need these grades for college.”
“Just give me a little time,” I begged. “Then, if I don’t fix things, you can call.”
“You have until next Friday. That’s nine school days to show me some improvements,” he said. “But if you don’t get it together by the Fall Ball, I’m calling and we’re having a meeting.”