“N-nno!” I howled. Ilyan’s eyes widened as he tried to figure out what was going on, why I was reacting this way.
“H-he ca…can’t f-find m...me.” I clawed at the toilet in an attempt to push myself further back against the wall. My hands moved to claw at the warmth that was moving through me. I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it. The action had become learned, almost comforting.
“Jos... love… calm down…” Ilyan’s hands fluttered around me, the panic on his face growing.
“H-he wi…will hurt-t me.” I grabbed his arms, desperate to make him understand the danger I was in. My twitches flowed freely even as I tried to control them.
My body was waging a battle with itself. One side desperately wanted to run, to hide. The other pleaded with me that I was safe, that Ilyan was here and the nightmares were gone.
“No, love, no,” I focused on Ilyan’s words as his magic flared, my heart rate slowing at his command. “He will never hurt you again. I will keep you safe.”
He looked deeply into me, my insides continuing to unwind.
Safe. Ilyan would keep me safe. I knew it was true. I knew it, deep within me. I focused on him as I willed the calm to overtake me, as I willed my brain to believe his words.
“What happened to you?” I could tell the question was more to himself than to me, but it still startled me. I didn’t even want to relive it all.
I looked at him, his magic moving through me, his hand wrapped around mine, and wished I could tell him everything. But I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to say it.
I uncurled my hand out from underneath the security of my body, the fingers stiff and bent. I stared at that hand, feeling the strength of my magic under my skin and the strength of Ilyan’s magic that moved alongside mine. I knew what I wanted to do, but didn’t even know if it was possible.
I placed my hand against his forehead and let my magic surge into him, his eyes closing as I pushed the memory into him. For one sparkling second my body relaxed, the flinching stopped, and my heart rate normalized. As the memory left me to play inside of Ilyan’s mind, I felt like myself again, like everything was okay.
But I knew it wouldn’t last, this clarity. Finally I could see Ilyan and Ryland clearly. I could feel some of what I once felt for Ryland, the feelings that months of torture at his hand had taken away from me.
Ilyan’s eyes opened and the memory came flooding back into me, the twitches and fear returning with it. I moved further back against the toilet, the sudden return heightening the emotions.
“Mi lasko?” Ilyan said softly, but I could hear the heartbreak, the blame he was already placing on himself.
Ilyan didn’t wait, he moved into me, his body wedging mine against the toilet. I tried to find comfort in his touch, but the fear was too raw. I cried out and sunk away, my panic increasing.
“You are safe, Joclyn.” he said, his heavy voice right against my ear. “No one is going to hurt you, not anymore.”
I wanted to believe him, I longed for it, but I couldn’t make my reality calm down enough to do so.
“So you were trapped in Cail’s mind?”
I stared at him from the security of my porcelain prison. I didn’t want to say it, though I knew it was true.
“It makes sense. For two weeks I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I couldn’t get you back. I tried everything…” Ilyan dragged his hand through what was left of his hair, his eyes shining with the residual emotion of what he had gone through.
I looked at him, unsure what to contribute, knowing I didn’t want to say anything. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I needed to. I needed to know that I was safe, and why.
“It’s no wonder I couldn’t. They had taken you through the T?uha and into Cail’s mind, leaving no trace. Your mind was disconnected from your body. It’s a miracle I got you back… especially without the connection of a Z?lství.”
”Wh…what-t-t d-do y...you m-m-mean?” I struggled to get it out of me, my internal mind still screaming at me to run.
I’m okay here.
I repeated the words to myself, trying to keep my panic in check. But I already knew it wasn’t working. I could feel the panic taking over.
“Edmund broke the Z?lství between you and... and…” he hesitated and I knew he was trying to tiptoe around Ryland’s name, “your mate, in an effort to trap you in Cail’s mind.”
I stared at him, not sure how I was supposed to feel. Strangely, I wasn’t sad or heartbroken, as I probably should have been at hearing about the loss of my bond with Ry. I wasn’t even sure what I felt. When I thought of him, instead of love, I only felt scared. I was still scared of Ryland coming to find me, scared of the pain, of how he would hurt me.
But more than that, I was relieved.
I was free.
No more nightmares. No more torture. No more.