A Symphony of Cicadas

Twenty-one



John spent the next few days trying to forget Sara, forgetting to mourn my absence as well in the process, at least for a time. He had too much to do anyway. The last of his things were in the moving van, and Sam helped him out of the apartment, erasing all proof of our life there to ensure at least a partial return of the deposit. Sam was staying with him for the next week, using part of his summer break to help him with the move, but also to escape his mom and all of her rules. He didn’t share that last reason with his dad, but John wasn’t oblivious to this fact, either.

The two worked hard, their words few and far between, only speaking when they needed to give or take direction. John was amazed at how much Sam had grown in the time he’d been gone. In the year since he’d lived with his mom, he had gained a quiet wisdom that leaned more toward the man he was becoming and further away from the boy he once was. He’d been driving for a few months, a concept that John could still couldn’t believe. As if seeing him behind the wheel weren’t enough of a clue that his kid was growing up, Sam stood half-a-head taller than John, towering over him whenever they stood side by side. The angry teenager he’d once been was now replaced by a quieter, reserved young man who wasn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and get some work done.

“I’m proud of you, son,” John said out of the blue, producing the hint of a smile on Sam’s face. The apartment was done, and they were surveying each room to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything.

“Why is that?” Sam asked. His dad never said anything like this when they lived together. Even after he moved in with his mom, his dad appeared distant and unavailable. But ever since the heart attack, it seemed like his dad was reaching out to him more. It still wasn’t as often as he wanted, and Sam sometimes resented him for that. But in the times they were together, Sam forgot to hold a grudge, amazed that he enjoyed hanging with his old man.

“I just am, I guess. Nothing specific. Or maybe it’s because of everything,” John said. “I’m just really proud of the man you’re becoming. I love the person you are.”

“Uh, thanks,” Sam said, unsure how to respond. I could see him smiling on the inside, though, soaking up his dad’s words to take the place of at least one of the hurts he’d carried from his youth.

John dropped the keys off with the apartment manager, and then drove the moving van across the bridge to the house in San Anselmo. Sam followed in John’s car and helped him carry the boxes into the house, placing each one in the room they’d be unpacked in. His own room, the one he would stay in on the days he would spend with his father, held little more than a bed. Sam still hadn’t brought any of his things over from his mom’s, but was pleased to have a place to call his own in his dad’s new house.

That evening they hung out in the living room surrounded by boxes as they attacked a hot platter of just-delivered pizza. In five minutes, half of it was already missing.

“So, are you seeing anyone?” John asked him. Sam groaned.

“Jeez Dad, is that all you ever wonder about? You ask that every time I see you.”

“So you are seeing someone,” John said, laughing out loud when Sam confirmed it with a smile he failed to hide. “What’s her name?”

“Alana,” he admitted, realizing any attempts at secrecy would be worn down by his persistent father. Truth was, he was head-over-heels in love with Alana. It had only been a few months, and even his mom didn’t know she existed. But he had finally lost his virginity to her, making himself a man in the middle of his mom’s living room next to the throw pillows and two dozen picture frames she kept around the room for appearance’s sake. If she knew how he had soiled the innocence of that room, it was a good bet she’d have it redecorated.

“Is she nice?” John asked.

“One of the nicest,” Sam said, unmasking the sincerity of his smile. “And the prettiest.”

“Ah, the pretty ones. They’ll get you in trouble by stealing your heart,” John teased. “I’m happy for you, son. Maybe one of these days you can bring her over to meet your old dad.

“Maybe,” Sam said without committing. “So, are you seeing anyone?” John took his time chewing, mulling over the question and how he should answer.

“Not exactly,” John said.

“Not exactly, meaning you’re not seeing someone or you are?” Sam asked, possessing a sudden interest in whatever his dad had to say.

“Not exactly, meaning I am not seeing someone, but that I did have a brief moment when I thought I might,” John said.

“You’re not making any sense,” Sam said.

“Exactly.”

“Dad…”

“Let’s just say,” John began, swallowing the last of his pizza in one final gulp, “that love is way more complicated than I thought it was, and dating sucks.” Sam seemed to take this as an acceptable answer, though I could see the thoughts rolling around in his head. I was surprised to see my face pop into his mind. It didn’t happen that much anymore, except when he was with John. So when it did, I perked up and listened with intent.

“Do you ever think of her anymore?” Sam asked. He didn’t even need to specify who “her” was; John knew who he was talking about.

“All the time,” John replied. “Do you?”

“Sometimes,” Sam answered. “And of Joey, too. It’s weird. I didn’t think I even cared that much when they were around. But when they died, it was like something had been taken away from me that I wanted to keep holding onto. They were cool. I mean, it was cool having a little brother around. And Rachel would have been a great stepmom.”

“I think she would have, too,” John said. He felt good talking about me out loud, and I glowed with happiness as I was remembered by the two of them.

“Is that what makes it so hard for you to move on?” Sam asked.

“Probably. I mean, it just feels weird. It’s almost like I’m cheating on her by even thinking of dating someone else,” John admitted. Sam digested his words with a thoughtful nod.

“That makes sense,” he told his father. “Still, it’s been almost two years. I bet she would understand if you found someone else. She would probably want that for you.”

I sat with bated breath in the corner. In the beginning months of my death, I would have disagreed. Even now, I couldn’t claim that thought as my own. But I also knew it was best for him if he could move past me and find another who was lucky enough to be loved by him.

“Seems that everyone is moving into a new season,” Aunt Rose said beside me, appearing next to me out of nowhere. I was no longer surprised when she appeared out of thin air, and I welcomed her regular visits. I knew she had been listening for a while before appearing, knowing she witnessed a lot of the same lives I watched over. I nodded at her sentiment, not even hiding the wistfulness attached to the reality. “Oh, don’t be sad, Rachel,” she said, smoothing my hair and leaning my head against her chest like a child. I let myself be babied by her, needing someone to feel sorry for me.

“They don’t need me anymore,” I lamented.

“No, but they’ll always love you,” Aunt Rose told me.

“Not if John finds someone else,” I glowered. Aunt Rose made soothing noises, continuing to brush my hair.

“I have a feeling you will always hold a special place in John’s heart,” Aunt Rose said.

I hoped she was right.

Even still, it troubled me that it was Sara’s face on John’s mind as he drifted off to sleep in his new bed, and not mine.

Back in the city, Sara’s mind was also on John and the night they shared. She tried to block it out, but it kept coming back to haunt her. Even the next day, as she prepared for her lunch with Kevin, she couldn’t help wishing she were getting ready to meet with John instead.

“Knock it off, Sara,” she said aloud to herself, shaking the images that haunted her from her mind. Megan was already at school when she walked Lily over to the neighbor’s house to be watched for a few hours. Sara caught a taxi on the corner and directed him to the restaurant Kevin had texted her mid-morning. He was already there and seated, and he waved at her from their table. Even though he looked confident and handsome in his usual suit and tie, Sara could note a sense of nervousness beneath his demeanor.

“Hey!” he said, his enthusiasm evident as he jumped up to pull her chair out for her before taking his seat next to her. “Thank you for meeting me here.” Sara thought he seemed…kind. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Something tells me I might want something strong,” Sara said, only half-joking. He chuckled at this.

Looking around, he caught the eye of their server, who came to the table. “Two Old-Fashioneds, please.” They made small talk while they waited for their drinks, discussing the kids and how fast they were growing, and chatting about the flower shop and some office gossip at his job. When the drinks were placed in front of them, Kevin still didn’t get to the point, and say what this was about. The pit in Sara’s stomach was getting bigger and deeper by the moment and she had the sudden urge to beat him to the punch, forcing him to lay it all out on the table. Taking a deep sip of her drink, she prayed for a bit of liquid courage and began.

“Megan said you were talking about divorce at your house,” she blurted out. The look on Kevin’s face was more shock than confirmation.

“Are you finding out information about me through the girls?” he asked her. Sara shook her head, her eyes widening at the prospect.

“No! Not at all! But she was asking me about it. She didn’t know what it meant when she heard you talking about it, and wanted to know what it was. When I explained it to her, she got mad. And Lily wanted to know if we were getting one.”

“What did you tell her?” Kevin asked.

“I told her I didn’t know,” Sara said. “Because I don’t.”

Kevin was silent after this, leaving an uncomfortable pause lying on the table right next to the fragrant appetizers and bourbon drinks. Sara squirmed under the crushing weight of the silence.

“Kevin, why did you ask me to meet you today?” she asked, unable to avoid the elephant in the room any longer. Her eyes flashed, begging him to just rip the band-aid off the unanswered questions holding their marriage together by a thread. He took in a deep breath before letting it out.

“I was talking about divorce this weekend,” he began. “I didn’t think Megan could hear me when I was on the phone. Did she tell you anything else?” he asked.

“No,” Sara said. “Were you talking to your mother?”

For just a moment, Sara was hopeful. He shook his head. Sara held very still. “Was it a woman?” He nodded. His confirmation was a punch to her gut, and she let out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She wanted to leave, picking up her purse to get ready to flee. But when he reached for her hand to stop her from going, she didn’t fight him. “Do you love her?” she asked him.

“I barely know her,” he said. She could see the truth in his face, and understood there would be no lies at this table. “Sara, she asked me if I was going to divorce you. I had just started seeing her. I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone else, and she wanted to know if I was serious about her.”

“What did you tell her?” Sara asked.

“I told her I didn’t know if I was going to divorce you,” he said. The words lingered between the two of them.

“You don’t know?” Sara asked. He shook his head with a small smile. “So what about her?”

“Well, that’s about when she told me not to call her until I had signed divorce papers.”

Sara stared at his face, studying the emotions there. It had been a long time since she’d known what he was thinking. Her eyes began to fill with tears. “Is that why we’re here? You want me to sign them so we can move on?”

“Sara!” Kevin was incredulous. “Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?” He heaved a huge sigh and threw caution to the wind. “Honey, I miss you. I miss us. I miss us being a whole family. I want to come home. That is…if you’ll have me.” Sara was dumbfounded.

“But you said you didn’t love me anymore.”

“I didn’t know what I wanted, Sara. My mind was so muddy from being overworked that I couldn’t see what I was throwing away. All this time I was blaming you for not giving me the attention I wanted that I couldn’t see how much you were doing already.” He chuckled in embarrassment. “Taking care of those girls is really hard work!”

“Right? They’ll suck the life right out of you,” she laughed. Sara’s heart warmed at the acknowledgement.

“But they’re so dang smart, and fun! I realized I had been letting all the parenting fall on your shoulders, and I was actually missing out on them growing up. These past few months I’ve been forced to stop focusing on all my stuff when they’re around, and it’s been really eye-opening.” He took Sara’s hand in his. “Sara, if you’ll have me back, I promise to be around more. And not just physically. When I’m at the house, I promise to be your partner in life, and not just someone who lives there.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Of all the scenarios that had played through her head, this was one she never thought of. She’d been so sure he was going to start making arrangements for the divorce, to discuss lawyers and paperwork, to rip her heart out of her chest and crush it with the bottom of his shoe. And here he was, wanting her back, wanting to be a family. A brief glimpse of the other night with John burst into her mind.

“Oh god,” she said, pulling her hand away from Kevin’s grasp.

“What is it?” he asked in alarm. “Is it me? Are you saying no?”

“No,” she said. She saw Kevin’s face fall, and she rushed to correct herself. “No, I mean I’m not saying ‘no.’ Oh Kevin, I did something. I did something really awful.”

“Did you sleep with someone?” he asked her, guessing on the very first try. She nodded, fearful tears filling her eyes.

“But it was just once, and it wasn’t planned,” she swore.

He thought for a moment. “Do you care for him?”

“No. I mean, not like that. It was a total accident, and we decided it wasn’t ever going to happen again,” she insisted.

I caught just a flash of Kevin’s thoughts in that moment. John’s face appeared in his head, and he brushed it away as soon as it came. He knew it was him. He was the only man Sara was even close enough to become intimate with. Kevin knew she wasn’t like him. She wouldn’t have been able to sleep with just anyone – unlike he had with the first person who showed interest in him.

He took her hand back in his.

“I don’t want to know anymore. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. The only thing that’s important is if you’ll take me back.” Sara didn’t say anything, afraid to answer, afraid of what he was asking, afraid that it could mean she would be trapped in a passionless marriage, afraid that he would walk out of the restaurant and never come back. “Sara, do I need to get on my knees and beg you? Because I will if I have to,” he promised. He started to get up.

“No, stop!” she said, laughing. “You’ve just caught me off guard.”

“Does that mean you need time to decide? Or is your mind already made up?” he asked her.

“I’m just afraid,” she admitted. “What if it doesn’t work? What if we’re fooling ourselves into being trapped in a miserable situation?”

“Thing is, Sara, being miserable without you is way worse than being miserable with you,” he told her.

“Well, that’s reassuring,” she laughed. “I’m being serious.”

“I am too. And if things get rocky, we fix it before it gets worse. We go to counseling. We read all those self-help books by your bed. We talk it out. Hell, I’ll even go to church if I have to. I just don’t want to be without you,” he pleaded. When she still didn’t answer right away, he slid off his chair onto one knee before she realized what he was doing.

“Sara Marie Ashby Ferguson. Will you do me the immense honor of being my wife?” he said, his voice carrying through the whole restaurant. Sara reddened as she felt hundreds of eyes turning to look in her direction.

“Oh my goodness, he’s proposing!” she heard a woman gush at a table behind her.

“We’re already married,” Sara said to the woman. “We’re already married, Kevin,” she repeated to him. “Get up off the ground, you’re embarrassing yourself.”

“I’m not embarrassed,” Kevin said with a grin. “In fact, I’m quite enjoying this.”

“Then you’re embarrassing me,” she hissed.

“Will you?” he asked. “I’m not getting up until you give me an answer.”

The rest of the restaurant was quiet as they all waited for Sara to say something, the only sound being the occasional whisper and the clink of a fork on porcelain. She glared down at him as he continued to hold her hand tight. He smiled in encouragement when a little smile crept onto her face. She thought about how absurd the situation was, Kevin bent on one knee and both of them the center of attention. At last, she nodded. The whole restaurant erupted in applause as he got up and pulled her up in a huge embrace.

“You won’t regret this, Sara,” he whispered in her ear. “I’ll spend my whole life making sure of it.”