A Symphony of Cicadas

Nineteen



John had left sometime during the night to go to his own room. Sara had felt him get up, leaving behind not only more room for her to sleep but also a cool void, and she burrowed under the blankets to get away from it before falling back asleep. But in the early hours of the morning, she found herself awake in a house that wasn’t her own, questioning the wisdom of their actions the night before. It was more than the fact that I existed in the very fiber of this house, even after John had gone to great lengths to keep me boxed up behind closed doors. It was more than the fact that she had just gone past an invisible boundary with the man her sister was supposed to have married. It was more than the fact that John was the first man she had been intimate with since her husband moved out. Of every fear that tumbled through her mind, the biggest worry she held was the realization that once the sun crested over the San Francisco hills they would be faced with the morning after – and it would likely end with a speech that sounded like “It’s not you, it’s me.”

****

“I just can’t do this anymore,” Kevin had told her in the privacy of their bedroom after the girls had gone to bed. “We’re just going through the motions, and it’s killing me.” It had been coming for a while, and on this night these words were spoken after a long and drawn out argument about Kevin’s hours at the office and the distance he kept even when he was in the house. But still, when Kevin spoke the words out loud, it drove salt into the already gaping wounds of Sara’s heart.

“You can’t just give up, Kevin. This is a marriage, and you’re not even trying,” Sara shot at him, her words solid stone even if her insides were tumbling pebbles.

“This is no marriage, Sara. I feel like an outsider with you and the girls. Ever since you became a mother, you have shifted toward that role one-hundred percent, and there’s nothing left for me.”

“That’s not fair!” Sara shouted through a whisper, afraid that her anger would wake the girls across the hall. “Because you’re gone so much, being their parent has been totally left up to me. I spend most of my time here taking care of them, even with the flower shop! Even though that shop is taking up so much more of my time now that Rachel is dead and I’m left with a whole business to flounder in on my own! You don’t do anything except go to work, come home, then plop your ass on the couch and expect a hot meal to be placed in front of you. You haven’t looked at me the way you used to in months, maybe years. F*ck, I can probably even count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex in that amount of time. There’s nothing left for you? What the f*ck are you giving me?”

“I have nothing to give you, Sara! That’s the point!” Kevin yelled. Sara raised her hand in fury, looking toward the girls’ room through the closed door.

“Shhh!” Her whisper was icy. “We don’t need to wake them up.”

“I have nothing for you, Sara,” he hissed.

“Then why are you pinning all this on me?” she asked him, her eyes flashing. He hung his head at the question, the silence hanging between them like fragile icicles ready to drop. She waited for his answer, the fury inside of her ready to pounce at any word he spoke.

“I don’t know,” he said in a soft voice. “I guess I thought things would be different, or that things would go back to the way they used to when the girls grew a little more.”

“But things are always going to be different than they were then,” Sara said. “We were young and selfish back then. We had nothing to focus on but ourselves and each other. Things changed forever when we chose to have kids. Now the focus is on Lily and Megan. That’s never going to change.”

“I know, Sara,” he sighed.

“So what is it? You don’t want to be a dad anymore?” she demanded. “It’s kind of late for that, isn’t it? Leaving me isn’t going to take that away.”

“No, that’s not it,” he shot back. “Of course I want to be a dad. But I can’t stay in a marriage where I feel like I’m just the paycheck, coming home to your little family of three while I am merely the outsider.”

“What are you talking about?” Sara demanded. “Those girls adore you! They wait for you to come home every single day and pounce on you once you walk in that door! When you come home, they don’t even see me anymore. It’s all about Daddy.”

“I don’t love you anymore!” Kevin blurted out. Sara gasped, the words slicing right through her. They both stared at each other, neither one able to believe the words had been spoken. Her hands trembled as she lifted them to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. The regret was evident in Kevin’s eyes, but it was too late. “I’m sorry, Sara. I didn’t mean that. I—,” but she waved him off with a flip of her hand as the tears broke over the barrier of her eyes, spilling down her cheeks.

“Don’t. Don’t even try to take it away. You said it. You finally said what I knew was true.” She sank down on the bed, fighting with all her strength to keep from breaking down in front of him. “Is it someone else?” she asked him. “Is that why you’ve been spending more and more time at work?” He shook his head.

“No. There’s no one else.”

To Sara, that was almost worse. He wasn’t leaving because his heart was being pulled in two directions. He was leaving because he couldn’t stand to be with her anymore.

“I suppose we could try counseling,” he offered as a weak gesture. She shook her head.

“I think it’s too late for that,” she told him. “I think you should just go.”

“I’ll go in the morning,” he said. “I want to say goodbye to the girls.”

“And say what?” Sara demanded. “That you’re giving up on this family? That you don’t love their mother anymore? No, you need to leave now, tonight. I can’t have you in this house for another moment.” She got on the floor and dug a bag out from under the bed, flinging it on the bed in front of him.

“And what are you going to tell them?” he asked her.

“I’ll think of something. After all, I’m the one who is solely devoted to the kids, so much that my own husband doesn’t want me.”

“Sara, wait. This isn’t fair. You can’t make me leave without any kind of defense at all. They’re my kids too. Please don’t make them hate me,” he pleaded. She looked at the ground, then up toward the ceiling to keep from losing her emotions.

“I’m not going to make them hate you,” she said after some hesitation. And she made an inward promise to try her best to make this as fair for Lily and Megan as she could. “I’ll tell them something, that Mommy and Daddy need some time apart, like a vacation or something,” she said in a quiet voice. He nodded.

“And what if this isn’t a vacation, Sara? What if this is the end?” He opened his drawer with reluctance, pulling out socks and shirts and placing them in the bag on the bed. Sara digested the reality in the words, reading the final answer that lay in the concealing folds of the question.

“One thing at a time,” she told him.

True to her word, Sara had let the girls know that she and Daddy were taking a vacation from each other. She answered their frightened questions as best as she could, trying to keep the answers lighthearted and full of hope, unable and unwilling to hint that the end was inevitable. She promised they both loved them very much, and that the girls could see their Daddy anytime they wanted.

“Now?” the girls had wondered, and Sara had to shake her head no.

“Not now, but soon,” she promised.

At first, Kevin had stayed in a hotel, living out of a bag of things he refilled on occasion when he would come to pick Lily and Megan up for a weekly visit. Sara would offer to do his laundry, the offer serving as a secret effort to get him to see how much he needed her. But he always refused.

“They have a laundromat near the hotel,” he said.

Soon after, Sara’s heart broke all over again when he let her know he had left the hotel and was now living in an apartment several miles away.

“It’s close to Megan’s school,” he told her, as if the convenience of his location took away from the fact that he had signed a lease promising he’d never move back home for at least a year. While neither one could utter the word “divorce”, they did seek out a mediator to help them divide their time with the girls. At first it was suggested they do an every-other-week rotation. Sara had balked at this, unable to be away from Lily and Megan for seven whole days. That was how she lost her weekends with them.

“They need to be able to spend some time with their dad,” the mediator had said, and Sara caved, allowing Kevin to have the girls two and a half days each week to keep them from being gone for any longer. And while it proved to be convenient on her busiest days at the shop, Sara discovered that she didn’t know what to do with herself when the girls were away. She had spent their whole life being the center of their world, so that when she got a break from being a mother, she no longer knew who she was.

And this terrified her more than anything.

****

Sara lay still in the dark of John’s apartment, letting her crumbling marriage unfold in front of her, evaporating like the fading shadows against the patches of light from the rising sun. It had been two months since Kevin had filled his bag with a few belongings and left between the time the girls went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning. And now here she was, lying naked on John’s couch, alone in the dark, waiting with shaky breath for him to wake up and tell her it wasn’t going to work out. She hadn’t planned on this, for things to get this far. She’d be lying to herself if she said she hadn’t felt a few murmurs in recent months when she was near John. But she was sure that was only because she’d felt so alone in the time before and after Kevin had left. And now her vulnerability lay around her in scattered clothing across the room…and in the reality that Kevin was no longer the last man who had left fingerprints all over her skin. She had to decide what she was going to do about this new path she had taken with John. Everything was different now.

A few creaks upstairs signaled that John was awake. Sara kept her eyes closed when she heard him coming downstairs, forcing her breaths to be slow and steady in feigned-slumber as he peeked his head over the couch to see if she was still asleep.

John poured out the cold coffee in the coffeepot from the day before and filled it with fresh water, setting up the pot to brew as his thoughts formed their own dark roast in his head.

Flashes of my face and Sara’s mingled in the memories of last night. Being that close to her had felt good. Really good. He wanted to believe it was just because Sara was the closest person to me without actually being me. But it was more than that. She was familiar, not just because of the scent in her hair or the way her lips held the same shape as mine, but because she was someone who knew him and the pain he was going through. They both knew what it was like to lose me, the person they both claimed as their best friend. John realized that more than anything, he missed having a connection with someone. And through the past year and a half of friendship, he’d had that with Sara.



Hearing her stir on the couch, John poured them both a cup of coffee and crept into the living room. Placing her cup on the coffee table, he sat down on the couch where the curve of her belly created a small space and rubbed her shoulder. Sara smiled, but kept her eyes closed at his touch, inhaling the aroma of the coffee as she stretched.

“Mmmm…coffee…” she murmured, trying to gauge how groggy she would be if she really were just waking up. She opened her eyes half-way and smiled at John.

“Good morning,” he said, leaning forward and kissing her on the forehead. She sat up, clutching the blanket to her chest. John reached over and picked up her cup of coffee and placed it in her hands, waiting for her to take her first sip before barraging her with his thoughts on the night before. He wanted to tell her how wonderful she was, how he had appreciated all her care as he grieved for me, how he loved how close they had become since my death, and how much it meant to him that they were able to become even closer last night. He wanted to admit that he had no idea what the future held for them, admit that he knew this was weird and unconventional, that, without a doubt, their family would wonder what was wrong with them. But he wanted to tell her he didn’t care about all that, and he was curious where this road would lead them. Most of all, he wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked in the morning, how waking up to her unbrushed hair and flushed cheeks was a treat he wanted to experience over and over, and how he could probably live in her eyes should he be allowed to stare into them long enough.

“About last night,” he began, taking in a deep breath as he worked up the courage to spill segments of his heart into the coffee she drank. But he never got the chance. Sara held up her hand, smiling as she shook her head.

“Say no more,” she said, stopping him in his tracks. “It was just a one-time fluke that never should have happened.”

“B-but…I don’t think it was a mistake,” John stammered.

“Neither do I!” Sara’s enthusiasm made John’s eyes widen. “We both have been through so much, I think it was great for us to let off a little steam with each other. I didn’t realize I needed that as much as I did,” she giggled.

John was confused by her reaction. The Sara he knew wouldn’t be this casual about a night of passion. Or would she? He’d never been intimate with her before, so how would he know how she’d react? John realized he might not know her as well as he thought.

“How are we going to move forward?” he asked her, wincing at the way he said “we” with presumption. But she didn’t hear his question the way he asked it, only hearing what she thought he was saying.

“Don’t worry about it John,” she said. “I mean, I don’t want things to get weird between us, and I really enjoy our friendship. We can just pretend like it never happened. I promise I won’t start acting like I’m your girlfriend or anything,” she said with a light-hearted grin.

John hid his embarrassment as she spoke. He had misread the whole situation, and felt stupid as he remembered how he’d been acting like a horny teenager experiencing love for the first time. In an effort to hide the fool he had almost made of himself, he just nodded with a chuckle. He thought he saw a glimmer of sadness in Sara’s eyes, but realized she was only looking down for her shirt. He retrieved it from the ground and handed it to her.

“Thanks,” she said, slipping it over her head to hide her nudity despite the fact that he had kissed every inch of her body the night before.

“Did you want something to eat?” he asked her. “Some cereal, maybe some eggs? How about pancakes? I know how to flip some mean flapjacks,” he said. She shook her head.

“No, I’ve taken up enough of your time already. I really should be getting home.”

“Are you sure? I mean, it’s the least I can do after all the help you gave me with that room,” he said, doing his best to persuade her to stay a bit longer, hoping that a little more time might help her see things in a different light. But she wasn’t having any part of it. He hid his disappointment when she shook her head again.

“I have to get into the shop today, and the girls are coming back tonight. I’d like to get home to have enough time to put stuff away and get freshened up,” she got up and started to fold her blanket, but he waved her away.

“It’s okay, I got it,” he said. “I know you’re in a hurry.” She gave him a grateful smile.

Ten minutes later he was helping her carry boxes to her car parked a few blocks downhill and waving goodbye as she drove away.

Sara let out a deep breath as she watched him disappear in her rearview window. She wasn’t sure how to read him, but was certain he was only being polite in what could have been a very awkward morning. At least she knew how to hide away her feelings before she made herself out to be some foolish school girl. However, her intention to protect herself from being rejected all over again had failed. As she drove further from his apartment, she couldn’t help feeling like she was losing in love all over again.

And despite the fact that I had never wanted them together in the first place, I wanted to reach inside her head and shake her for being so blind.