A Symphony of Cicadas

Twenty



“There are my girls!” Sara cried when she heard the doorknob turn and footsteps pounding toward the kitchen where she sat. She had been eating a bowl of cereal at the table, reading a book and trying not to stare at the clock too much until they arrived. Before they burst through the door, she had done her best to keep the thought of John’s hands on her from her head, only resulting in happy and melancholy shivers as she remembered the feel of John’s lips across her mouth, her neck, down her stomach…

“Mommy! Mommy!” Megan called out, colliding into Sara with great force, Lily running at her heels and copying her sister’s enthusiasm.

“Wow! I think you both got taller!” Sara exclaimed. They both grinned.

“Mom, it’s only been two days,” Megan pointed out in her seven-year-old wisdom. Sara laughed.

“I know. It just feels like a long time,” she told her, ruffling her hair.

“Knock knock,” Kevin called from the doorway. Sara shot up and smoothed out her hair, wiping at the bit of milk that had spilt on her shirt. Usually she did her best to look decent when Kevin showed up, attempting to give him a taste of what he was missing and couldn’t have. Today, however, she put on her sweats as soon as she got home from work, and looked as though she had been sleeping all day long.

“Come in,” she called out even as she walked toward the door. Kevin stepped over the threshold of his former home with caution, smiling an apology when Sara appeared around the corner.

“I’m sorry, I should have knocked before they bounded in. But they barreled through the door before I had a chance to stop them,” he explained. Sara waved her hand in dismissal.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “It’s their home too.”

“I know,” he said. “But one of these days you might have someone over and…” he drifted off. Sara looked up in alarm, wondering what he knew. But she realized he was only making an observation about the future. She also read into it that the same might be true of him, perhaps already. She shook away that thought, fighting off the urge to be jealous over things she held no facts about.

“How was your weekend?” Sara asked him.

“It was great,” he said with a smile. “I took the girls to the zoo this weekend, and Megan decided she wants to be a large animal veterinarian when she grows up. She’s so dang bright, it kills me! Lily, on the other hand, decided she wants to be a tiger when she grows up. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that being a monkey was a better choice. You know, more fun.”

“That’s our Lily,” Sara said, shaking her head in amusement. They both watched the girls playing lion-keeper in the corner of the room, Lily on all fours growling up at her older sister, Megan pretending to fling a whip at her to make her do what she needed her to do. “It sounds like you guys had a great weekend.”

“How about you? I mean, unless it’s personal,” he said.

“I’m not seeing anyone, if that’s what you’re asking,” she said in a tone that was a little harsher than she intended. She decided that she didn’t need to even hint that she had slept with John, concluding that it didn’t count if it wasn’t planned and would never happen again. “And I didn’t really do much this weekend, just worked and then helped John clear out the spare room at his house of all Joey’s and Rachel’s things.”

“Oh, jeez. That must have been rough. Are you okay?” he asked with genuine concern. Sara was taken aback by his altruism. Even though they had been kind to each other in the months that followed their split, it felt foreign for him to show any kind of concern for her since they were technically in the midst of a long and drawn-out break up.

“Do you really care?” she asked him, unable to mask her skepticism over his sincerity.

“Sara, just because I left doesn’t mean I don’t care about you,” he told her. He looked at the girls in the corner of the room, then back at Sara, and raised his eyebrows. “Can we not do this right now?” he murmured. She nodded, still scrambling to figure out Kevin’s change in demeanor.

“Sorry,” she murmured back.

“Look, I think you and I are due for a long talk about everything. Perhaps we can meet up for coffee this week or something?”

“I think that would be a good idea,” Sara lied. What would they talk about? How their marriage had failed? Filling out divorce papers? How she was a horrible wife? She couldn’t think of anything she’d rather do less than to meet with her ex-husband.

After Kevin left, Sara spent the final hour of the day hanging with the girls and listening to their stories. They all hung out in the bathroom while Lily took her bath, Megan leaning over the side of the tub and playing with the bubbles that surrounded Lily. Megan had outgrown taking baths with her sister, as they had done for years when the girls were small. Somewhere in the past few months, Megan had become hyper-modest about her body, especially around her mother. Even in the midst of her wonderment at these tiny glimpses of Megan’s future self, it made Sara a little sad to see her daughter moving beyond her younger years.

They both took turns telling Sara about the different animals they saw at the zoo. And Sara listened as best as she could, fighting the urge to delve into the swirling thoughts spinning a tornado in her mind. Soon she was filled with images of giraffes and monkeys, coffee talk with Kevin, feeding pigeons with leftover popcorn, the weight of John’s body hovering over her, bears sleeping in the sun…

“Mom, are you listening?” Megan asked, bringing Sara back to where she was, running the washcloth over the same spot on Lily’s back as her four-year-old played in the bubbles.

“Of course, sweetie,” Sara said, putting the washcloth down and unplugging the tub to let the water out.

“Then what did I say?” her older daughter asked, hands on her hips, acting very much like the parent.

“Uh…” Sara racked her brain. Bears? Giraffes? “You were telling me about the lemurs?” Sara asked with a hopeful grin. Megan pushed her lips out in disappointment. “Busted,” Sara said with a chuckle. “Sorry Megan, I guess I got caught up in a daydream.”

“What were you thinking about?” Megan asked.

“Nothing, really. Mostly how good it was to have you both back. The house is so empty without you!” Megan’s face beamed at the answer, and Sara breathed an invisible sigh of relief that the girls couldn’t read her mind. “So what were you saying?”

“I was asking you what divorce meant,” Megan asked. Sara did a double-take at the question. What the heck were they talking about this weekend?

“Why do you want to know?” Sara asked after a moment’s pause to control her voice.

“I heard Daddy talking about it on the phone. He said he might be getting a divorce. One of my friends said her parents got a divorce but I never asked them what it was. Do you have a divorce? Do you know what it is?” she peppered at her mother. Sara thought about how to answer her daughter, and realized that her daughter needed the full truth. But first, she couldn’t help but gather a bit of information on Kevin.

“Was your daddy sad when he said it?” Sara asked her.

“Not really. Why, is it a sad thing?”

“It can be. I mean, it might feel sad at first. But sometimes it means that someone can be happier than they were before a divorce. Do you know who he was talking to?”

“I’m not sure. I didn’t answer the phone. But Mom, what IS a divorce?”

Sara sighed. She took Lily out of the tub, lifting her wet body onto the towel across her lap and then wrapping her up in it.

“Divorce is when two people who were married decide not to be married anymore,” Sara said, hugging Lily close to her and looking Megan in the eyes, trying to look calm and reassuring.

“Are you getting a divorce, too? Like Daddy?” Lily asked in a sleepy voice, sedated from the warm bath water. Megan’s eyes were already filled with tears.

“Of course, dummy.” Megan’s voice was sharp, matching her angry words. “Mommy and Daddy are married to each other. If Daddy’s getting a divorce, then Mommy is too.”

“Well, hold on Megan. First, don’t call Lily a dummy. She’s only four, she doesn’t know. Second, I don’t know if we’re getting a divorce. Daddy and I haven’t talked to each other about it.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” Megan demanded.

“Because Daddy and Mommy are taking a small break from being married to each other. It’s not a forever break right now, just a vacation break,” she said, realizing how lame that terminology sounded. Vacations were when you went somewhere fun. This was anything but fun.

“So when is he coming back from his vacation break?” Megan asked.

“I don’t know,” Sara said. “I’m not sure if he’s coming back,” she admitted.

“You won’t let him come back, will you?” Megan accused her. “You got mad at Daddy and told him to leave.”

“What are you talking about, Megan? I didn’t force him to go,” Sara defended herself.

“Yes you did! I heard you! You told him to leave that night, to not come back.” Sara realized that her daughter had been awake the night they had fought and she told him to pack up his things. Megan had heard every word from their argument.

“Megan, it’s not like that,” Sara started to explain.

“I hate you! I hate you and I want to leave here too. I want to live with Daddy! He has a pool and tennis courts, and lives near a park. All you have is stupid stuff, and you make people go away.” She ran from the bathroom and down the hall, slamming the door to her bedroom behind her.

“I don’t hate you, Mommy,” Lily said underneath the towel. Sara swiped at her eyes and smiled down at Lily. She ruffled her wet hair with the towel.

“I know, bug,” she said.

“Is it okay if I miss Daddy, too?” she asked her mom. Sara smiled.

“Of course you can,” she told her. “Want to know a secret?” Lily nodded with wide eyes. “I miss him too.”

After Lily got dressed in her pajamas and crawled into bed, Sara kissed her goodnight on the forehead and then shut off the light. She kept the door open a crack and then crept down the hall. Megan’s door was still closed, no light escaping from the bottom of the door. It appeared she had gone to sleep. Sara tapped on the door. When there was no answer, she eased the door open and peered in. Megan’s sleeping body rose and fell with each shuddering breath, the kind that happened after a good, hard cry. She hoped her daughter had escaped to happier dreams, a place that was free of moms and dads who divorce.

Sara closed the door without making a sound. She went around the house and turned off all the lights, did a quick clean-up of the bathroom, and then retired to her bedroom where she took a long, hot shower. She lathered up her hair, but paused in the midst of it. John had told her she smelled like me. She inhaled, taking in the mango scent of the shampoo we both had fallen in love with as teens.

Sara had discovered it first, a more expensive brand that she bought with her own money to avoid using the cheaper brand our mom bought for the household. She often had to fight me about using her shampoo, too, until she learned it was best just to take it out of the shower when she was done to keep me from using it. I soon gave in and bought my own whenever I thought to save enough money instead of spending it on books or music.

Sara put two and two together and realized that John smelled me in her hair. She sped through the rest of her shower, rinsing out the shampoo and then wrapping her hair in a large towel. Grabbing the bottles of both shampoo and conditioner, she started to toss them into the waste basket, but thought better of it. Such a waste to throw them away, she thought of the half-full bottles. Instead she placed them under the cabinet of her sink, promising herself she’d find a new brand in the morning.

When she came out of the bathroom, she could see a lump under the covers of her bed across the room, a mass of dark hair peeking out from under the blankets. She smiled, pulling on a nightshirt and slipping into bed beside Megan.

“I don’t really hate you,” Megan mumbled against her pillow.

“I know you don’t, sweetie,” Sara said, kissing her on the cheek before turning out the light. “Goodnight, darling,” she whispered, using the same endearment we both had heard often growing up, a nickname her daughters had now inherited. Sara closed her eyes in the dark, pushing against the thoughts that kept swimming at her, focusing instead on this moment when her daughter didn’t hate her, and relishing the closeness they still shared while she was still the biggest part of her daughters’ young lives.