My fingers move swiftly over the touch screen of my phone as I try to conquer the second castle in Level-V of Candy Castle. I now regret gifting Diesel my extra two lives the game had given me when I hadn’t played in a while. I’m low on energy level, and I’ve made a series of ill-timed moves that have my character’s health in the red. My character in the game jumps too soon—due to no fault of my own—and misses the bridge I’m aiming for. A message comes on the screen telling me that I’m out of lives unless I want to buy more credits, so I decide to give up on the game for now. Damn it. I only gave Diesel those lives because he bitched that chicks think he’s a good listener and he can’t properly concentrate on the game when we’re all blabbing in his ears. I had a momentary feeling of guilt that ended with my being more generous than I actually am.
Now that I’m without the distraction of Candy Castle, I find myself immediately suffering from a bad case of boredom. My fingers twitch and my toes dance in search of purpose. There is nothing to do around this house, except for watching TV or sitting around and talking with the parental units. Neither of which is really all that appealing right now. If I had my way, I’d be lying next to Jeremy, wrapped his arms. Dad gets to live with his girlfriend, so it’s pretty fucked up that I can’t even have some alone time with my boyfriend. We’re both adults for crying out loud. Jeremy isn’t allowed in my room, and I’m certainly not allowed in his. Dad’s taken the “my house, my rules” thing and extended it beyond the laws of reason. It doesn’t matter to him one bit that Jeremy’s room is in Duke and Nic’s house. We’ve been pretty lucky so far with Nic. She may not actively lie to Duke about anything, but she certainly isn’t rushing to tell him the truth about all of our activities either. And even though Nic’s cool about our sneaking off into Jeremy’s room for a few minutes, it’s never enough. I just want some more alone time with him, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I check the clock to find that it’s after eleven, which means that Dad and Holly are likely in their room. Having sex and the freedom to do whatever they want. Who knows if Grandma is even still in the house.
I pick my phone back up, open the messaging app, and start to type out a text to Jeremy. But then I stop.
I’m a legal fucking adult, and this level of strict supervision isn’t necessary. Dad certainly didn’t get this kind of supervision from Grandma, and even though I know very little about my mom’s family, I know she ran wild. There’s no reason I can’t clock a few more hours a week with my freaking boyfriend.
Frustration builds, and I find myself lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling while resenting every adult around me. It’s not fair. They all get to go out and do whatever they want, whenever they want, and in most cases whoever they want, but God forbid they extend the same courtesies to me.
So screw this crap.
I’m done being the perfect little girl who does most of what she’s told. Even though Jeremy has been really understanding with the boundaries so far, I’m getting sick of them. I just want to be able to make my own choices and be treated like the adult everybody tells me I am.
I want to have sex.
Jeremy has had sex, which he doesn’t really like to talk about. I’m not really up for hearing about it either, but the irritation of being unable to share that with him is driving me mad. I mean, I guess I know he enjoys it. Otherwise, why would he want to do it all the time? I just want to have that with him. We are so good together in every other way that I want this experience, too.
I’ve tried to figure things out on my own, for myself, but it’s hit or miss. Tracie told me that I could watch YouTube videos about it and that the internet has a wealth of information, but that just seems a little bit too pathetic. It’s bad enough to be terrified that I’m not going to be very good for anybody else, but knowing that I can’t even be good for myself makes me want to give up entirely. If I can’t manage to have sex with Jeremy soon, I’m going to just become asexual, if that’s even possible.
Grandma always says practice makes perfect, so I figure it only stands to reason that I should practice before Jeremy and I get so frustrated that we end up giving up on our relationship altogether. Not that I want to think he will dump me if we don’t have sex, but I’m not an idiot. He’s hot, and he could get it from just about anywhere, especially with that cut on his back. Unfortunately, I know that all too well.