“So you need to surrender Captain?”
I nodded, struggling to get the words out. “I could be gone for a couple of months.” Tears were running down my face now.
She leaned forward. “Look, if you surrender him, he probably won’t get adopted for a while, and I can try to make it that way.”
I tried to smile through my tears. “That’s what I was hoping, but I just hate that he’s going to think I’m abandoning him.”
“He’ll be upset at first but he’s got lots of friends here and he’ll get walks every day. He’ll be safe. And when you get out, if he’s still here you can adopt him again, okay? If he goes anywhere, I’ll make sure it’s a great home.”
I took a breath, tried to think of what was best for Captain. “What do I have to sign?”
After I was done with the paperwork, I handed over Captain’s leash and asked Stephanie to take him to the back before I brought his stuff in. While he played with the other dogs I carried his bed and toys inside. I also gave Stephanie my laptop and asked her to look after it for me, explaining that I didn’t have anyone else I trusted. She said she’d take it to her house. Then she let me go in the backyard to watch Captain play for a while. I stood in a patch of sunlight and tried to hold on to that image: Captain having fun, running around and chasing the other dogs. While he was distracted, I slipped out.
In the parking lot, I looked back. Captain was standing at the chain-link fence now, barking and howling, racing up and down, having caught on that I was leaving him. I turned my back, walking fast until I got to my truck, then drove away. I cried for a few miles, hard, painful sobs that shook my whole body, then I shut down. I told myself to toughen up—he’d get over me and find a better home.
I wiped at my face, took some deep shuddering breaths. He would be okay.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
ROCKLAND PENITENTIARY, VANCOUVER
JUNE 2013
I went back to the campground and packed my stuff, putting it in cardboard boxes that I’d found in the Dumpster. I worked systematically, not allowing myself to feel anything, or think about Captain, even when I stumbled over one of his bones. I used all the skills I’d learned in prison, concentrating on the task, tuning everything else out, disconnecting from my emotions. An hour later I got a text from Suzanne: Please come in for a talk this afternoon at 2:00.
I spoke to the campsite guy, paid my bill, and asked if he could store a few things there for me. He said, “Yeah, for a price.” So I paid a small amount and hoofed everything down to his storage room. I drove to Courtenay, my window rolled all the way down, the music hard and loud, making the dashboard vibrate while I tried to suck up every last bit of fresh air and freedom.
At Suzanne’s office I was buzzed in, then the door automatically locked behind me with a solid click that was familiar and terrifying. There were already two police officers standing in the office. They read me the parole suspension warrant, then asked me to turn around and put my hands behind my back. The cuffs circled my wrists, tight and cold. I’d been prepared, but my legs were wobbly with fear, my brain crowded with memories of my first arrest, going to Rockland, where I had no say over my life, and now it was all happening again.
Suzanne was watching. Her face was expressionless but for a second I thought I saw something in her eyes, a slight hesitation.
I said, “Suzanne, I didn’t do anything—I have an alibi.”
“It’s just a time-out, Toni, until the police finish their investigation and can clear you. It’s an issue of public safety.”
“What about my safety? There are people inside who are going to try to kick my ass.”
“Who?”
“You know I can’t tell you.” The second I started naming names, I was asking for a worse beat-down.
“Then I can’t help you.”
I already knew that. No one could help me now.
I was put into the back of the police car, my hands still in cuffs behind me, uncomfortable. I stared out the window, already feeling separate, removed from the world I’d just become a part of again. We stopped at a light and I looked over at the ocean, remembered walking on a beach with Captain just the day before.