“What the hell, Ryan?”
He met my eyes, his jaw tight. “You were working late one night, so I stopped at a party. I didn’t know Nicole was there with the girls. She was super-hammered and falling all over herself. She told me she was going to be sick, so I took her to one of the bedrooms. She was puking in the en suite, and embarrassed, so we stayed in there until she sobered up a little. I tried to talk to her about drinking, said she had to take it easy.…”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I felt unsettled and confused, shocked that he’d never told me. I thought we had no secrets.
“She begged me not to say anything, and you guys were already fighting so much that summer. I didn’t want to cause more problems or stress you out.”
“You should’ve said something.” My face was hot with anger and hurt.
“You’re right. I screwed up.”
I couldn’t look at him, afraid I’d cry. Our relationship had been the only thing I could count on back then, the only thing I knew was true. Now I didn’t know what to think. I stared down at the table.
He grabbed my hand. “Hey, I’m telling the truth, okay?”
I thought about Shauna’s insinuations the night she came to my boat. She must’ve known about the party, but was there something else? I remembered how Nicole would always hang out when Ryan was over, how he said she looked good at that party we were at together, how he always stuck up for her.
I pulled my hand away. “What else are you keeping from me?”
Now he looked angry. “Look, I know you’re pissed, but it was just a stupid lie—I was a kid, I thought I was protecting you. You were all I cared about.”
I held his gaze, until I saw the truth in his face and felt relief, then guilt and shame. Why had I let Shauna and Hicks mess with my head? “I believe you, okay? But you have to get out of here, Ryan. It’s too risky.”
“I know.” He sighed. “I just wanted to warn you that we’re going back in. I can feel it, so take care of whatever you’ve got to take care of.”
He reached in, grabbed the back of my hair, and pulled me in for a kiss. His mouth was hard against mine, his unshaven chin rough. I tasted his scent, his skin, his open warm mouth, his tongue pushing into my mouth, familiar but stronger now, a man’s kiss. I opened my mouth wider, my tongue tangling with his for a moment, and moaned deep in the back of my throat. The sound startled me, snapped me out of it. I pushed him away, saying, “What the hell did you do that for?” Captain stood up on the bed, hackles raised and a low growl coming from his chest. I gave him a signal to stand down.
Ryan’s face was agonized, his breath ragged, but there was also relief in his eyes. “I had to see if it was still there.” Then he disappeared into the dark.
*
The next morning I took Captain for a long walk, trying not to think about the kiss, telling myself that it didn’t mean anything, it couldn’t mean anything. But the truth was that it had meant way too much. I’d felt something in those few moments that I hadn’t felt in years—excitement, happiness, and fear of feeling that good again. But it didn’t matter if there was something still between us—what could we do about it? Nothing at the moment, that was for sure. I couldn’t let it mess with my head, not now. I had bigger shit to worry about.
I packed Captain’s bed, bowl, leashes, all his toys, and drove to the shelter. It killed me to see how excited he was, thinking we were going somewhere fun, his head hanging out the window. When we got to the shelter, he was still wagging his tail, looking for his friends in the backyard, which made me feel a little better about what I had to do. Stephanie came out of her office when she heard me talking to the other girls.
“Hey, Toni.” She knelt down to give Captain a kiss, which he returned enthusiastically.
Some of the other staff were watching us, so I said, “Can I talk to you alone in your office for a moment?” No one had mentioned the newspaper article, and they’d been polite, but I was sure they’d all seen it.
“Sure thing.”
We went in and she lifted a small white dog off my chair, then sat down on the other side of her desk, the dog in her lap.
“What’s up?” Her face was neutral, but when I glanced to the side of her desk, I noticed a corner of the newspaper sticking out, like she’d quickly tried to cover it when she heard me out front. A wave of disappointment and sadness crashed over me. I’d liked Stephanie a lot, had even imagined we could be friends one day, but now I was sure she’d want nothing to do with me. I just hoped she’d still help me out.
“It looks like I was right and my parole’s going to be suspended.” I felt close to tears. “The cops questioned me about something recently, and that’s all it takes. I have an alibi, a solid one, and I didn’t do anything wrong,” I stressed, holding her eyes. “But until I get cleared, I’ll probably be sent back.”