She shook her head, “No thanks, but you’re doing well with your signs.”
Thank You. I’m trying. I shook my head in frustration, unable to sign the rest of what I wanted to say.
“If you don’t know the signs, speak to me.”
“It’s reading them that’s the hardest part.”
She waved a dismissive hand. “It takes time. You’ll get it. You have come a long way already.”
Thank You. I nodded toward Ian to let her know where I would be.
“I’ll be up there in a little while.” She picked up a soggy Disco and inspected her an inch from her face. Disco rewarded Ella with a lick on the lips that had her giggling. “I love her soooo much,” Ella said, giving me a smile.
I ran my hands through her soaked fur. “Me too.”
I pranced toward Ian hoping his eyes had been on me unable to think of anything else but his confession as I played in the water. I loved his attention and reveled in it knowing I shouldn’t. Pushing all shitty thoughts aside and preparing for some more flirting, I paused when I saw Ian in his chair feet away, his face buried in a towel. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it if his entire body wasn’t shaking. Cautiously, I approached him.
“Ian?”
He shook his head keeping the towel in place as I took a seat next to him and reached out to touch his thigh. His cries were soundless, but I could feel the pain rolling off him.
“Ian, what’s wrong?” After another minute of watching him in soundless agony, I tried again. “Please talk to me.”
His body shook a minute longer until he spoke low. “Where’s Ella?”
“She’s playing, she can’t see. Ian, please,” though I didn’t know why, my heart was cracking. He finally lowered the towel and his red-rimmed eyes met mine as his face twisted.
“Please,” I said as I pushed a quick tear away. “Please,” I whispered, taking his hand. He squeezed it back so hard I winced as he pulled me closer to sit next to him shielding himself from prying eyes.
“She can’t see us. No one is watching.”
“She’s…” his face twisted again as he puffed out incredulous air and began shaking again. “Jesus, I can’t breathe.”
“Take your time,” I said softly.
“Fuck, Christ, this hurts so much,” he said, his body trembling with emotion as I sank in the sand, my heart plummeting with the ache in his voice.
“I don’t want to say it out loud. I feel like if I acknowledge it, it makes it true.”
“Makes what true?”
He took a deep breath and blew it out, closing his eyes. I jerked back at the presence of tears trickling down his face. Unable to help myself, I moved to sit next to him, partially covering his body with my own to embrace him as much as I could without being obvious. “I’m here. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
My eyes were starting to fill with the sheer heartbreak etched on his face, though I had no idea why.
“She’s…” his swallow was audible, “I didn’t father Ella, she’s not mine, not my biological daughter,” he managed to get out before he pressed his chin to his chest and a gasp escaped him. “Fuck,” he sat up and again pulled a towel to cover his face. Shock filtered through my body as I glanced around us. We were yards away from prying ears.
“Ian, there’s no one around, it’s okay.”
“Fuck, it’s so not okay.” He pulled the towel away. Devastated, tear-filled eyes met mine. “The day I found out was the day I showed up here. I lost it. I totally fucking lost it.”
I held my breath, unable to believe what he was telling me.
“The minute I found out I was going to be a father I felt like something clicked. It wasn’t planned, I’d only been dating Tara for months, but it didn’t matter. It was the greatest moment of my life and now I feel like it was a lie and it was. It’s been taken from me.”
He shook his head, his face coated in disbelief and hurt. “Koti, that little girl’s first sign was daddy, and it meant everything to me. I’ve been there for every single step, every hurt, every heartbreak, every milestone—she’s my whole fucking life.” He shuddered as he tried to stifle his cries and more tears spilled from his eyes. The ache to touch him ripped through me as I inched forward, and he shook his head. “Don’t, please,” his misery paralyzed me as despair trailed down his face and he wiped it away with the back of his hand. “I know firsthand how much blood doesn’t matter. I know, I have an adopted brother. It means nothing to our relationship. Adam is my brother in every sense of the word. But I can’t help it, I feel like I’ve been robbed.”
“I understand, I don’t see anything wrong with that.”
“I do. It’s wrong thinking. Because I think other things too. I could’ve done things so differently. Married differently, and I know how wrong it is to think that way, I know it, but I feel robbed of years where I had choices and maybe could have had a different life.”
“That’s the twenty-two-year-old pissed off you talking, and you have the right to be furious about that. You’re mourning what could have been if she hadn’t lied to you. You could be living a totally different life right now.”
“Ella became my life and I don’t regret it, I probably would have married Tara anyway. I’m just… I still have my little girl, that’s all that matters.” For the first time and in front of me, he bled freely as I sat shocked and leaned in to whisper.
“She is yours in every way, you know that.”
He nodded several times in agreement. “I know, I’m just fucking wrecked. I can’t believe it, after all these years. How could she do that to me? When I devoted my life to her, to them both… how?”
“Daddy!” Ella called as we both snapped our heads in her direction. “Watch!”
He nodded as she picked Disco up and her paws started frantically moving before the wave swept through. “See? She’s surfing!”
Ian and I nodded as she pranced away with her new prize tucked in her arms.
“Fuck,” Ian said, wiping his face. I felt his raw heart bleed between us, helpless to come up with the right words.
“I don’t know what to say. What she’s done is unforgivable. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be, I can’t be sorry. I refuse to do this pity party shit any longer, I have her,” he said as he nodded toward where Ella stood in the ocean, a picture of health and happiness. “I have her.”
“She is beautiful, kind, well-mannered and has a heart of gold. I’m so taken with her already. You have every reason to be proud.”
Worry creased his brow. “Her mother is threatening to tell her the truth. She’s back with the asshole who fathered her.”
“Jesus, really?”
He nodded, and fear replaced devastation. “I don’t know what this is going to mean. She’s just turned fifteen years old, so it could result in an ugly custody battle if Tara presses it. And I can’t find it in me to be civil to her long enough to discuss it.”
“I know I’m prying, but will you tell me why you burned all those photos and kept the letter?”
“I didn’t keep it.” He sat back and ran a hand down his face before his eyes met mine. “I hadn’t used that luggage since I left her. I’m assuming she put it in there while I was packing the day I told her I was leaving and I’ve only just found it. She didn’t want the divorce and I assume she stuck it in my suitcase to try to stir up some nostalgia for feelings that hadn’t been there in over a decade.” He took a long sip of his beer. “It was just another attempt at manipulation. I found it while rifling through my bag the night I came to stay with you. I did read it. And all it did was prove what a fucking idiot I was to feel that way about her in the first place.”
He shook his head in aggravation. “It’s just that she played me so well. She played me, and I let her because I loved her so fucking much. And then she broke me… twice.”
I ignored the sting in my chest though I had no right to be jealous of his ex-wife. “You did love her.”
He gave me a sharp nod. We sat watching the commotion around us before he spoke again. “I’m not entirely proud of the way I’ve behaved. She phoned weeks ago and I told her I never loved her.”