I don't know why I don't just delete his messages, instead I sit and listen to them all. The worst is from Thursday night, he's obviously had a drink and is crying down the phone
'Lauren, Lauren, I'm sorry Lauren, I love you Ren, I'm sorry, please come home Lauren, please, I need you back, I promise I'll change, I'll see a counselor, what or whoever you want me to see or do’
I move from the barstool to the carpet and lean back against the sofa and pull my knees up to my chin as I listen to him.
' Please Lauren call me back, let's put this right, you know we can, you know how good we are together, I'm lost without you, you’re my little Ren'
I cry, why now, after all of the angry, vicious, nasty words, why call me now, with all of this shit? Now, when it’s far too late? Just to make sure, just to guarantee my guilt, misery, and self-loathing, I replay it on loud speaker as I sit staring at the screen and sob. Just a few moments later I realise that I have that all too familiar tingle snaking up my spine and my scalp begins to prickle. Oh shit, he's home, I didn't hear him come in but I feel him. I look up and he's leaning against the bench top, all suited and booted looking like a hot, sex god, business man type. He just stares at me, then goes to the fridge, gets us both a beer and comes and sits on the floor next to me, stretching his long legs out in front of him, he offers me one of the bottles, I take it. He takes the phone out of my hand and turns it off. He drinks his entire beer down in one go and puts his bottle down, I take a swig from mine, he takes it from me and drinks that down too and puts the empty with the other bottle. He pulls me into his lap, I lay my head against his chest and breathe him in. He kisses the top of my head.
“When did he leave that?”
“Thursday, I think he seriously needs help” he strokes his fingertips up and down my back, they bump over my spine.
“Are you going back to him?”
“No Gabe, I'm not going back to him, why would I? I had a fantastic marriage for over twenty years and then he went and broke it, he almost broke me, to some degree I am broken because of him but I got lucky, I got so very lucky when I met you, your my plaster, your holding me together, I'm not fixed but I am healing and all the time I have you, I can survive what he did to me”
I feel him blow out a very long breath “Band Aid” he says.
“What?”
“I'm your Band Aid, not your Plaster”
“No, Band Aid sung a Christmas song about Africa and raised money for charity, I am from England, where I come from you are my plaster”
“Plaster or Plarsta darlin?” He says in his best London accent.
“Fuck off you Aussie Bogan, your English accent is shit”
We both laugh and in a very swift move he has me on the floor pinned by my arms underneath him. He sits on my hips and takes off his suit jacket and loosens his tie, then putting his hands either side of my head, he leans over me, I wait for my kiss, instead I get,
“Aussie Bogan ehhhh?”
“Yep, Feral, Aussie, Bogan”
“Is that right, my little Cockney Sparra?”
“That's exactly right and your attempt to talk proppa is still shit, Guvnu”
“Oh you really are pushing your luck, you Chav Essex girl”
“Shut up, I ain’t a Chav”
“But you are an Essex girl and you know what they say about Essex girls don’t you Lauren?”
“Yep, I do and it’s all true, look how quickly I let you get into my knickers”
“Lauren, believe this or not, you made me wait the longest I have ever waited for sex, I slept in a bed with you three nights running and didn’t touch you, so believe me, you didn’t let me into your knickers quickly by my standards”
Then I get my kiss and what a kiss, long, slow, deep, his tongue is in and out, then his mouth is on my jaw, my throat. He pulls my vest off over my head, I'm not wearing a bra, in fact I'm not wearing any underwear, I rarely do around the house.
“You’re braless Lauren and yet you accuse me of being feral? Put your arms above your head”
I do as I'm told, hmmm, what's he up to? He undoes his belt and pulls it from around his waist and straps it tight around my wrists.
“Keep your arms above your head”
He pulls off his tie as he licks his lips and my insides do back flips...
“I’ll show you feral, I'll show you feral like you've never seen it before”
Oh yes please, I am panting and he hasn’t even started yet, just the thought of what’s to come is enough.