I kiss his mouth to try and ease the pain of that awful, awful thought but I have to make him see, I have to make him understand, it's not his fault, he did nothing wrong .
“But I didn't stop her, I didn't tell anyone and sometimes, I couldn’t help it, but sometimes, I liked it”
“Gabe, of course you did, you were a fifteen year old boy, getting regular sex but you were still a child, she threatened you, you were scared, intimidated, fuck knows what was going through your mind, I can't even begin to contemplate or imagine what you must have been going through, it must have been so awful for you, being put under that pressure, all those feelings of guilt but at the same time, enjoying the sex, I can’t begin to imagine how that would fuck with your head”
And he suddenly cracks and crumbles, my beautiful, handsome, kind, loving boy shatters in front of me, his face is just so full of pain and anguish, it kills me to watch but I can't look away, I have to be here for him, stay strong for him, I need him to know that I'm here and that I don't blame him at all. He's sobbing, his body is shaking. I move closer to him and hold him to my chest as he cries, he leans back, looks at me, and it’s apparent in those beautiful eyes of his that his heart is obviously breaking and he says
“But I come, every time, she made me come, I tried Lauren, I used to try so hard not to, I would even have a wank whenever I knew she was gonna come around, you know, to try and stop myself, but she always made me come” he can barely breathe as he struggles to get his words out between sobs, what can I say? I have to make him see.
“No baby, no, no, no you were fifteen, a fifteen year old boy, you could have been fucked by a scabby horse and you would have come, you were full of raging hormones and regardless of all of that, it doesn't mean anything. What she did was wrong and you were a helpless, powerless child, unable to do anything about it”
Finally, finally he just sobs, he doesn't argue, he just sobs. I sit and hold him and say nothing, I just let him cry.
The water has gone cold, I don't know how long we have been sitting here, I don't really care but I shiver... Shit, I really didn't want to interrupt him and his thoughts. He looks up at me. “Fuck Lauren, your freezing”
Before I can say anything he's out of the bath, grabs a towel and helps me out, wrapping me up. We are both shivering to the point where our teeth are chattering. He pulls a towel around his shoulders and wraps that and his arms around me too. We stand and hold each other until we have warmed up. He lifts my chin up and our eyes meet, his eyes are the darkest blue and burn into mine with such intensity, my knees feel like they will give way from the weight of the love I feel for him, it floors me, renders me speechless.
“I love you Lauren, I love you to the point where that word isn’t enough to describe what I feel, it burns, it burns my heart and my chest trying to think of the right words, I just need you to know that, don’t ever doubt what I feel”
I say nothing, I don't need to, he knows what I feel and I make sure that he knows when we finally make it into bed. I take complete control and make beautiful love to him until he calls out my name and we both cry some more.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
As I start to wake on Monday morning, I can feel Gabe’s arm and leg flung across me. I listen to his steady breathing, I'm glad that he's slept in for a bit, I woke us both up during the night with the awful nightmares I kept having. I dreamt of Jackie and naked young boys with no faces and Jason was there too, hovering menacingly in the background, it was all a tangled mess and I woke screaming and crying twice, Gabe holding me, trying to calm me down. I feel bad as I know he's got another big meeting today, trying to bang out this South Australia deal.
I slide very carefully out of bed, I really don't want to leave him but I need some more painkillers, I must ring my doctors today and get myself checked out.