“Hey,” Kai whispered from beside me. “I made you some toast. You should eat something.” He handed me a plate and my stomach turned. Could I eat it without throwing up?
“Thanks, Kai.” I took the plate, grabbed a slice and bit into it. My stomach screamed for food, but I wouldn’t be able to handle much. “You feeling okay?” I asked between mouthfuls.
I didn’t dare look at my phone. Mum would probably be worrying. She would definitely be worrying. But it wasn’t like I hadn’t stayed out all night before and I was with Adam and Sophie so she would most likely assume I was at Soph’s.
“I’m good. Are you?” I got the feeling he wasn’t just asking about my hangover.
“I am now, yeah.”
Lie.
“Your Mum’s been calling and texting. I phoned Sophie to ask her to text your mum and let her know you’ve stayed at hers. She might not believe that, though.”
Didn’t matter if she believed it or not, she wouldn’t do anything about it. “Thanks, Kai.”
“Want me to take you home after you’ve eaten?”
“Trying to get rid of me?”
“No, just trying not to get you in too much trouble.”
“I won’t be in trouble,” I said.
I looked away from his dark eyes. At that moment he was a completely open book, eyes saying, you might not care now but you’ll regret it later. Maybe I would, but what was the point in planning or worrying about the future? Dad had hundreds of things he wanted to do, he was worrying about a big presentation at work, but then he died and none of it mattered. Nothing matters.
***
At twelve o’clock, just thirty minutes after I’d woken up, Kai drove me home in his car this time. He did our usual of stopping a few houses down so Mum wouldn’t see him.
As I reached the end of my drive, my phone beeped with a text from Kai. I smiled at his eagerness. ‘Wanna come out tonight?’
I typed a quick reply agreeing and shoved my key in the lock. The door flew open before I could even get a chance to open it. Ava stood in front of me, her face almost red with anger. “Why are you being so fucking selfish?” she snapped.
“Why are you such a dramatic bitch?” I pushed past her and headed upstairs.
“Think of Mum, Tegan,” Ava shouted after me. Think of Mum. I could barely think of anything. I liked it that way.
I dumped my bag in my room and went to the bathroom for a much needed shower. Showers used to make me feel better, the water washing away whatever drama was going on. Now it just made me wet.
Mum had promised that after his funeral things would start to get better. She said we’d be fine. Stupidly I believed her. Nothing was even remotely better. I still felt like I was treading water, so close to drowning.
I had a quick, steaming hot shower and got out, wrapping a large towel around my body. After getting dry and dressed I left, not bothering to do my hair or make-up. Looking in the mirror was hard, I didn’t recognise the person staring back at me.
“We’re going to Nan and Grandad’s for dinner,” Ava said as I passed her in the hallway. Her voice was clipped; she was still angry.
“That’s nice,” I replied, dodging into my room and curling up under the cover. She followed.
I missed her. I missed me.
We were fairly close, I suppose. When I was little I followed her around, wanting to be just like her. I wouldn’t mind being more like her now, she was dealing the way everyone expected you to when someone you loved died – cry and miss them but take them with you while you carried on.
I stayed under the cover, waiting for whatever lecture was coming.
“You’re not coming, Tegan, really?”
“Nope. Busy.”
She turned her nose up. “Fine, suit yourself.”
I jumped as she slammed the door behind her.
About two hours after Ava left my room, Mum knocked on the door.
“Tegan, come with us. Please.”
I could hear the hurt in her voice and it made my stomach clench. I wished I had some magical cure to make her feel better, too, but I knew there was nothing I could do for her. She had Ava to comfort her and to comfort. They were more like best friends than mother and daughter. Sometimes I wished we could have done some of the things she did with Ava, but I guess we just had a different relationship. I was Daddy’s girl and Ava was Mummy’s.
“Mum, I’m going out with Adam and Sophie.”
I watched as fight passed through her eyes. It was gone as quickly as it appeared. She wanted to make me, she wanted to set the rules and force me to follow. I half wanted that too. We both knew she wasn’t going to.
“Right,” she replied with a heavy sigh. “Okay. Don’t be too late.”
I nodded, but me agreeing meant as little as her order.
“Honey, why don’t you practice the piano? We could re-schedule your exam.”
“No,” I replied. I didn’t even want to look at a piano, let alone play the fucking thing.
“But–”
“No, Mum. I don’t want to play anymore,” I said. It was something I did with Dad, now he was gone it meant nothing.
“Tegan, I…”
“No,” I said, slightly more sternly than before.