Taking a deep breath, I rang Lucas’s doorbell. My stomach was rolling over and my palms were sweaty. I’d never been so nervous as I was to see him again after everything that’d happened.
It’d been almost two months since I’d last seen him and I missed him a lot. Summer had been fun, I’d spent most of it with Kai, when he wasn’t at work, and Sophie. My mum and Ava also featured a lot and I was happy that we could hang out like a normal family now.
My final year at Sixth Form was about to start and I wanted to be able to concentrate without any mess. That meant doing something I’d wanted to do for a while and sorting things out with Luke once and for all.
He opened the door after what felt like an hour and looked at me with no emotion whatsoever. Oh, God, I’ve really screwed up.
“Hi,” I whispered, playing with the sleeve of my jacket.
“Hi.” He stepped to the side. “Come in.”
“Thanks.” Once inside, I slipped my shoes off and turned to him. His emotionless expression made my heart ache. His eyes that once shone for me were empty. “Luke, can we talk somewhere?”
“Everyone’s out. Come through to the living room.”
The fact that he said the living room and not the bedroom didn’t look great for me. Although, that might be for the best. Lucas sat on the single seat, meaning I had to be on a separate one. Could he not even be within two feet of me anymore?
Lowering myself on the seat, I asked, “How have you been?”
His eyebrows shot up. “Not great at first…but okay now.” Okay now was good, I guess. I didn’t want him to be unhappy. “What about you?”
“It’s been hard,” I admitted honestly. “I’ve missed you.”
He sighed. “I’ve missed you, too. So much.” Here was the headfuck part. We were doing okay but missed each other. I wasn’t sure if that meant we were just stronger as individuals and could make it work or we’d changed and were better off apart.
“Have you worked through everything?” he asked.
“You can say his name, Lucas. I’m really okay now. Well, not completely, but I’m getting there.”
“That’s really great.” He smiled, looking genuinely pleased for me. “So, is Kai’s mum helping?”
“Yeah, she’s been amazing. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have her. But it was you letting me go that finally gave me the freedom and the shove I needed to face up to everything. I owe you so much.” Lucas and Kai. I owed them both my life. Before them I wasn’t going anywhere, not anywhere good anyway.
He shook his head and leant back, throwing his arm over the back of the sofa. “You don’t owe me anything. I’m just glad you’re facing it and things are getting better for you. They are, right?”
“Yeah. Sixth form is going well, I can talk about Dad, visit his grave and look through pictures. It’s nice to remember the good things and feel happy rather than despair and loneliness.”
“Good. Seems like everything’s pretty much perfect now.” He frowned as he realised how that sounded. Perfect wasn’t the right word to use. “Sorry. You know what I mean, though.”
“Yeah, I do. Things are good… Apart from us.”
His jaw tightened. We needed to sort this mess out. He was so important to me and I hated us not talking. There were things I needed to say, about a million apologies I needed to make. It was embarrassing. Facing up to the things you’d done wrong wasn’t easy but I could see things clearer now. I knew what I’d done wrong – and not just to Lucas – and I was more than ready to make it up to the people I’d hurt.
“So,” I said, biting the inside of my cheek. “How do you feel?”
“I…” He paused and sighed. “I do love you, Tegan, but I don’t know. Everything was so quick.”
“Way too quick,” I agreed. There was no getting to know each other properly; we just jumped straight into a serious relationship and assumed everything would magically work out.
We weren’t really ready for it – me especially. Our expectations were those of a child’s who still thought fairy tales were real. Life didn’t happen like that, people made mistakes and relationships – any relationships – took work.
“You were right, Luke. I did need to sort myself out before I could be with anyone. I’m so, so sorry for how I acted and the things I said. I know you were just trying to do the best thing.”
“It’s okay. I knew you wouldn’t see it how it was right when I broke it off. I expected worse actually. I deserved worse.”
“You didn’t, but what did you think I was going to do?”
He grinned. “Beat me. I think I got off lightly.”
It was nice of him to make light of everything but we both still knew I was a bitch. “I’m sorry for the yelling, no matter what you say, you really didn’t deserve that. So, what happens now? What do you want?
“We don’t work together, do we.” It wasn’t a question. Deep down we both knew the answer.