Kai grunted, burying his head in my neck as he slammed me down hard and came violently. “Fucking hell,” he panted.
Yeah, that was about it. I was seeing dots dancing in front of my face and collapsed against his chest. Kai held me, stroking my hair and t-shirt covered back for many minutes. That was probably the best sex I’d ever had.
I pulled back when I started to get cold and kissed his swollen lips. “We should get back. Your grandparents will be here soon.”
“Mmm hmm,” he mumbled.
Laughing, I got off his lap carefully and put my underwear and jeans back on. “Come on.”
He watched me get completely dressed, enjoying the show, before he moved.
Pervert.
His grandparents were already there when we got back to camp. Everyone was sitting around and cooking on the fire. We’d been gone for hours and missed helping set everything up.
There were green balloons hanging from the trees and birthday banners taped to the tents, a large cake was on the small table where the other food was starting to pile up. His family didn’t seem surprised that we’d been gone so long and I felt my cheeks heat. It was probably obvious, especially since Kai had a stupid, satisfied grin on his face.
“So this is Tegan!” his nan said and hugged me.
“Yes, Nan, this is Tegan,” Kai said, introducing me to them both.
The night was spent eating lots of food and enjoying more stories about Isaac. There were loads and by the time everyone went to bed I felt like I knew him, too. I was so humbled that they allowed me to be a part of their family tradition, it was such a personal and important one and they’d welcomed me in like I was part of the family. I kind of loved them all pretty hard for it.
***
In the morning we ate a quick breakfast of sausages and eggs and then packed everything away. I didn’t want to leave. It was so nice being away from reality in a bubble.
“Why don’t you all go ahead to the cars, there’s something I need to do with Tegan,” Melanie said. What do we have to do? Kai looked at me for a second before walking off with his dad and sisters. He so knew what was happening. Why didn’t he bloody tell me?
“What’re we doing?” I asked. She pulled out a red rose from her bag and led me towards the river. That didn’t help at all.
“I want you to let this rose go in the river.” She handed it to me and I stared at her blankly. Right, I could do that… but why?
“Alright…”
“The rose represents your dad and the guilt you’re holding on to. You need to let it all go and say goodbye.”
The rose suddenly weighed a hundred pounds and my hand tightened around the thorn-less stem. My heart raced. I can’t do that.
“What happened was a tragedy, Tegan, but it wasn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. You couldn’t have possibly known what was going to happen. No more guilt, Tegan. It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated, emphasising her words.
I blinked back the tears and shook my head. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
“I know, sweetheart, but saying goodbye doesn’t mean that you’re forgetting him or that you love him any less. Saying goodbye just means that you’re moving on with your life. He’ll still be part of it. You are allowed to be happy. I’m not going to pressure you to do this because it has to be when you’re ready.”
She obviously thought I was ready. Sometimes I thought I was. Here goes...
I took a deep breath and moved closer to the edge of the river. I’m allowed to be happy. I held my breath and closed my eyes. I could do this. I could let him go enough to release some of the pain and guilt and be happy. He would always be my dad.
At the same time as I let go of the rose a single tear rolled down my cheek. I wanted to dive after it. A sob left my throat and my eyes flew open to see the flower fall in the water and gracefully float away from me. It hurt but it also felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I could breathe properly. I finally understood what I couldn’t grasp before; saying goodbye didn’t mean I didn’t love him.
I clenched my jaw as I stood up out of the water for the first time since he died. I was no longer drowning. The fog lifted and I could see everything so clearly, everything I’d done, how I’d treated people I cared about. Guilt over my dad was replaced with guilt over everyone else in my life, and shame for how I’d let myself get so lost. I could handle that though, I was stronger and I could face everything and, hopefully, put it all right.
With a deep breath, I looked up to the sky through my tears and whispered, “Bye, Daddy.”
Chapter Fifty-Five
Tegan