What is conduct detrimental to the team? Here’s a quick rundown of typical offenses.
YOU TALKED BACK TO A COACH. Coaches despise even the slightest challenge to authority. A hearty “Fuck you!” to him during seven-on-seven drills will always cost you a game. But there are more subtle challenges to your coach that may also anger him, sometimes even more so. For example, if you walk up to your coach and say, “Hey, Coach, I noticed that Tony Romo occasionally telegraphs throws by patting the ball. Is that something we could exploit?” BOOM. You are fucking gone, my friend. What did you think, your coach didn’t already notice that? You trying to make him look stupid? You think you can draw up a better game plan? That is insubordination at its most insidious, and your head coach isn’t going to stand for it. He didn’t spend two decades toiling through bullshit jobs in the MAC and Big 12 just to have his strategy questioned by some rogue newbie who plays by his own rules! To the pine with you, Johnny Rebel! That’ll learn you. That’ll learn you good.
YOU BITCHED ABOUT MANAGEMENT TO THE MEDIA . After a loss, your coach will happily spend three hours in a press conference bashing the shit out of your play until your family watching at home bursts into tears. But if you publicly question him or the decisions of management, you are crossing the line. Don’t you see? When your coach berates you in the press, he’s doing it to make you better. What’s your excuse? So what if management held a fire sale to clear cap room and eliminated free car service from the airport? You don’t go outside the family to talk about that. That’s petty. Management would prefer it if you just quietly bitch about it to teammates until an irreversible mood of indifference and cynicism takes hold of the entire locker room. That’s the proper way to do things.
YOU SUCK. All bad pro athletes have a hard time coming to grips with their own shittiness. But, if it makes you feel better, you can always say your coach had an “agenda” and remain ambiguous about it. People will just assume he’s a dick. No one will suspect you’re actually allergic to humility and objective self-analysis.
YOU GOT IN A FIGHT WITH A TEAMMATE WHO IS BETTER THAN YOU. Coaches love fights. It makes them think you’ve got fire and that you love to play. They never consider the idea that the guy you got into a scrap with is a fucking dickhead who slept with your niece and had it coming. In fact, 99 percent of all practice fights have nothing to do with competitive spirit and everything to do with pure, unadulterated rancor. Most coaches will let a fight slide, unless you happen to get into a fight with a superstar. Superstars are a coach’s meal ticket. Fighting him means potentially injuring him, which means your coach will see the downfall of his entire career flash before his eyes — the injury, the resulting malaise, the mailed-in second half of the year, the firing, the lost championships, the lost Hall of Fame bust, the lost stint as a retard analyst for ESPN, the new job as an assistant at Lehigh. Putting that vision in your coach’s mind will ignite a white-hot fury you don’t want any part of. So lay off the franchise player.
YOU SKIPPED PRACTICE. You can’t skip practice. Coaches hold practice sacred. It’s their only chance to boss you around. Once you’re playing a real game, you can do whatever you want. You deprived your coach of a precious opportunity to feel like a big man, and he will bring the hammer of Thor down on you for it.
YOU WERE LATE TO PREGAME WARM-UPS. Pregame warm-ups usually consist of some light stretching, light running, and talking with players on the other team about where to meet up once the game is over. It’s a calm, relaxing time to hang out and gather your thoughts. Skipping the pregame warm-up usually merits a one-quarter suspension from your coach, giving you an extension of your pregame warm-up, which is a really nice gesture on his part. And you still get paid as if you played a full game. So relax and enjoy!