Being a famous athlete means having racist white people hate you (if you’re black) and having racist black people resent the extra attention paid to you (if you’re white). If you’re Asian or Hispanic, you’ll find that most people are indifferent. Sorry, but it’s true. Blacks versus whites is far and away the best rivalry in the world of racism. For its history and sheer bitterness, it can’t be topped. If you need proof, just consult my handy Racial Rivalry Heat Index on the next page.
Many people will bad-mouth racism and tell you that it is an “evil thing.” But these people fail to understand the practical aspects of racism. Yes, racist people are bad. Even your grandfather. But racism in and of itself is the greatest all-purpose coverall available to the professional athlete. Racism acts as a giant DETOUR sign that leads people away from things like, say, your terrible performance on the field. People will always ignore an ill-timed dropped pass if there’s a chance to run and gawk at whatever giant racial bonfire has been ignited nearby. Smart athletes use racism to their advantage, and so can you.
How? Let’s say you scored a touchdown and decided to perform the Staggering Penis (did you take notes from chapter 2?) in the end zone, earning a fifteen-yard penalty that allows the opposing team to get close enough on the ensuing drive to convert the winning field goal at the end of the game, knocking you and your team out of the playoffs. Let’s also say that you are black, or at least burnt umber. This is just the kind of selfish, me-first type of play that really gets dormant racists fired up. The next day, you walk to your mailbox and receive a poorly worded letter from an anonymous writer with a mailing address in Tennessee (75 percent of all death threats are postmarked from Tennessee), which reads:
U FUKING PIECE OF BLACK SHIT. U THIN YOU’RE SO FUKING GREAT. WE SHULD HAV FUKING KILLD U LIK THEM INDIANS AND I HOPE U FUKING DIE AND FUK THE JEWS 2
Your first inclination might be to throw this letter away. Don’t. Keep it. Study it. Take note of the all caps. Racists love to write in all caps to let you know they mean business. And the spelling errors? Those are just a sign of the incredible passion with which this letter was forged. Also, notice that the racist has made sure to insult three ethnic groups even though you have nothing to do with two of them. He was going to write a manifesto one day, but since he writes so infrequently, his letter to you is pulling double duty. And racists always like to refer back to a time of racial oppression, to try to put you in your place. All in all, this is one extremely racist letter, one I myself would never, ever write, nor allow to be published in any sort of printed form. I can’t even think thoughts that awful.
Letters like the one above are not trash. They are absolutely priceless. What better way to get people to sympathize with you, or to prove that everyone really is out to get you, than with this letter? Just one racist letter is all you need to tar all your critics with the same brush. Make the letter public and people will not only have compassion for you, they’ll also veer way off course and start talking about big-picture shit that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Is showboating part of the black culture that white people don’t understand? Are rules against dancing a way for the white man to continue to repress the black man’s spirit during modern times? Is Don Imus a total fuckhead? Who cares? The important thing is that you used that little letter to ignite a racial debate that allows anyone, no matter how idiotic, to spout an opinion in a never-ending back-and-forth debate that has no possible resolution. You’re off the hook!
And what do you have to thank? Racism. In fact, in the long run, your little episode has ended up doing more good than harm. After all, if it weren’t for racism, would we ever seriously discuss race? Think about that. No, it takes a good ol’-fashioned racial controversy to get us Americans talking about issues of race and inequity in our society. If there were no racism, we’d never have to confront all the terrible damage racism has wrought upon the world. And that would be a tragedy.