(laughs disingenuously)
I also have a lovely 1962 Armagnac in this antique Baccarat decanter. But, given the early hour, I don’t think it would be appropriate to partake. Don’t you agree?
(You nod.)
Good. I’m glad you agree. Well, I’d hate to waste any more of your time. This shouldn’t take long at all. Please, please sit. No, come closer. Don’t worry. I don’t bite. Young man, it’s come to my attention recently that you have taken up the rather distressing habit of leaving your jersey untucked during game play.
Now, why would you go and do a thing like that?
I’m sorry to say that it’s a league rule that players must have their jerseys tucked in at all times during the course of a game. This rule isn’t merely a suggestion. It’s something we took great care in instituting many years ago. It’s not something we made up for you to simply ignore, now is it? We have these rules for a reason, you know. They’re important. Now, they may not be important to you. Obviously, you have demonstrated that they are not. But we find them to be quite critical. After all, we take our image very seriously. It impacts more than you might think: our fans, our corporate sponsors, and even our international interests.
But I’m assuming you didn’t know that. I’m assuming you just wanted to make a personal statement. I understand your na?veté. It’s somewhat endearing. But we can’t have you brazenly flouting our rules anymore. I can forgive the occasional loose jersey. Sometimes, Bruce Bowen will tug at it and it will become untucked inadvertently. Oh, what a tenacious defender that young man is! Like a very fierce malamute!
That I forgive. But this . . . this . . . flagrant display is simply unacceptable. Now, I could fine you $275,000 for this, as is customary. But I’m not sure that would really get my point across, would it? No, I don’t think it would. Perhaps a more direct approach is necessary. Vito? Spider?
(Two very large men grab you and strap you to a giant steel table. The ceiling opens to reveal a complex series of razor-sharp blades rotating at an incredibly high speed.)
Ingenious, isn’t it? I call it the Lacerator. It was designed by a disgruntled former engineer at LA Gear. The blades are placed precisely where the nerve bundles on your body are at their highest density. Feel free to scream. We soundproofed the walls after using it on Roy Tarpley many years ago. Like you, he was a habitual miscreant who thought the rules didn’t apply to him. Funny how no one ever hears from Roy anymore. I do wonder where he went. Oh, yes, I know where he went. Right into the pen of starving wild boars below that very table you’re lying on.
Pity.
What’s that? You want me to show mercy? I’m afraid it’s far too late for that. I didn’t see you showing any mercy for our sartorial policies. No, I’m afraid the only way to teach you . . . is to kill you.
(The blades lower.)
Go ahead, beg all you want. I’ve heard it all before. We got through forty-three inches of Charles Barkley’s flesh before we finally struck vital tissue. Oh, how he screamed. To this day, it still brings me such delight.
Oh, you know what? I’m feeling rather charitable today. You seem to have learned your lesson, haven’t you? Stop the Lacerator, boys!
(The blades stop.)
You’re a very lucky man, did you know that? I’m not usually so forgiving. Don’t ever forget it. Next time, tuck in that jersey, okay? Or else it won’t just be you on this table. It’ll be you and someone you love. You got me?
(You nod vigorously.)
Good. Now get out of my fucking sight.
By exploiting you, they’re showing they care: unions and collective bargaining.
Fifty years ago, pro athletes were treated no better than common sharecroppers. Free agency didn’t exist. Athletes were drafted by one team, paid whatever their team decided to pay them, and forced to drink water tainted with strychnine. But soon athletes formed unions and successfully bargained for huge salaries, free agency, and extremely lax drug testing. Now that your union has achieved all of its original goals, you might be tempted to ask whether it has outlived its usefulness. Don’t. You’ll be knifed in your hotel suite if you do that.