6. WHEN YOU SPEND THREE QUARTERS OF A BILLION ON SOMETHING, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT WITH IT. In the old days, most team owners bought the team, then happily turned over all of its operations, including personnel decisions, to “football people” or “baseball people,” who were then given carte blanche to do as they pleased. The idea was that team owners were too inexperienced to buy a team and then actually become involved in it. So owners paid people who got to experience all the enjoyment of running a team with none of the expense of having to buy it.
But sometime around the early nineties, owners stopped being dumb. They realized that, since they were the ones who paid so much money for a franchise, they were in a position to exercise some semblance of authority. This has led to a boom of hands-on owners. Hands-on owners are owners who eschew hiring traditional general managers and do all the fun stuff like making draft picks and personnel decisions, while bringing in cap gurus to handle payroll and the other boring, administrative bullshit no one wants to do. Hands-on owners will also grope any female employee within a five-foot radius.
7. HE GOT RICH BY BEING A CHEAP BASTARD. You don’t get rich by spending money. Your owner grew up dirt poor and understands the value of a dollar, which is why he’s so reluctant to share one with anybody else. He may be paying you a grand salary, but know that his blood boils every time he has to sign that check. If he could pay you in loose kidney beans, he would. Following Bill Belichick’s example, many owners have already taken exploratory steps to replace live players with highly skilled androids by 2029. Did you really think Tim Duncan was from the Virgin Islands? Fool! He’s their first prototype. Next time you play against him, look closely at his left arm. You will see ASIMO stamped just above the crook of his right elbow. When no one is looking, Duncan has been known to sprout helicopter blades and fly away.
Evidence of your owner’s pettiness can be seen elsewhere if you look closely enough. If he was forced to pay for a portion of your home stadium, it’s probably made entirely of particleboard. And that cooler in your locker room? It’s filled with nothing but Sam’s Club drinks. Ever drink a twenty-two-cent diet cream soda? Don’t.
8. HE’D LOVE TO COACH YOU IF COACHING WEREN’T SUCH A SHITTY JOB. Your owner probably dreamed of buying the team and then coaching it to multiple titles. Then he found out that coaches work 140 hours a week and barely have time to eat a hot meal. Now, instead of coaching the team, he prefers to coach it in his imagination, then to undermine your real coach at every conceivable turn. Many owners subvert their coach’s authority by signing players the coach doesn’t like, or reversing team rules he has implemented, or drawing obscene graffiti on the coach’s office door. If you think your coach and your owner are at odds, remember: your owner is the one who owns the team. He’s the one who will always be here. Side with him. It is often said that coaches are hired to be fired. This is 100 percent true. All fans dream of firing the idiot coaching their team, and your owner is the one fan who gets to really do it, which is why he enjoys doing it again and again and again.
9. HIS FAMILY IS COMPOSED OF NOTHING BUT FUCK-UPS. Team ownership used to be a family business. A team was handed down from father to son, or nephew, or son-in-law, or anyone but a woman. But the proliferation of estate taxes and forked-tongued lawyers has made that sort of tradition obsolete. Your owner’s immediate family consists of two or more siblings who have no speaking relationship, a wife who will soon inherit the team and run it into the ground, and a series of nephews and grandchildren who all have no-show jobs at the team complex. Jobs like Team Enthusiasm Coordinator and Director of Awareness. None of these relatives will show even the slightest trace of motivation or initiative. Your owner would never let his prized possession fall into the hands of these feuding idiots. So, if your owner is old and infirm, take note. Those two queers from Google could be sweeping in any day to buy you.
10. HE WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND. You’d never be friends with someone like your owner under normal circumstances. He’s a loser. That’s why he bought your team in the first place: so he can hang out with coolass athletes like you and feel like one of the guys. So humor him. Go to dinner with him. Play poker with him. Join him in a game of Homeless Kickball. He’ll be more apt to keep you around, no matter how badly you suck.
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
1"
The average owner loses one inch in height per decade as a result of the hunchbacking process.
HEAR IT FROM A COMMISSIONER!
I see you have taken up the rather distressing habit of leaving your jersey untucked
by David Stern
Oh, hello. Please, come in. Have a seat. Were you waiting long? My deepest apologies. Oh, the jade dragon statue? Yes, I picked that up in Beijing last spring. It was a gift from the prime minister. Dates back to the eighth century. Do you like it? I think it’s quite striking.
Can I get you something to drink? I can have Kitty get you a fresh Deer Park if you like. We also have San Pellegrino if you prefer your water with gas. No? There’s also a Starbucks across the street. Then again, I guess there’s a Starbucks across every street now, isn’t there?