Q: Who are some gay athletes I can turn to for advice?
A: All current gay athletes are, of course, still firmly locked in the closet. But, as a card-carrying insider, I have come to learn the names of several athletes who dabble in the homoerotic Dark Arts. And I’m quite confident that I can divulge their names to you here without any fear of legal reprisals whatsoever. Like _______. He’s gay. And remember ________? Gay as an Audi TT. And _______ is totally gay. Man, is that ________ gay! He’s so gay, you turn gay if you accidentally bump into him.
Ooh! Ooh! You know who I found out was gay recently? _______ You wouldn’t have guessed that, right? Guy is totally into bondage and domination. Really wild stuff.
_______ gay, of course. He’s one of those “hide behind Jesus” gays. _______ is gay, though he doesn’t realize it yet. And _______ is also super gay. Quiet, bookish, excellent ball control: he’s a textbook gay. Super nice guy, too. I heard he’s a really great cook.
Yes, there are many gay athletes out there, but don’t even think of going to them for advice. They’ve got problems of their own, and they don’t need you snooping around. Unless you’re good at rubbin’ and tuggin’.
HEAR IT FROM A CLOSETED ATHLETE!
Being a closeted athlete is hard, especially when you love cock as much as I do
by name redacted — black
As a closeted homosexual, I can’t enjoy being a pro athlete as much as most people would. Other guys in the locker room joke all the time about going out and having sex with all these girls and stuff. It bothers me, because it’s such a culture of intimidation. I hate my teammates for making me feel like I have to suppress this enormous part of my identity. But I’m also envious of them because they’re able to lead a normal, all-American sort of life. I feel so ostracized. I guess, in many ways, that’s why I lash out at teammates to the media and do all that showboating on the field. If I alienate myself from teammates with my actions, then my homosexuality becomes less of a reason for my not fitting in. Does that make any sense? I suppose that sounds foolish to you. But how can you understand what I’m going through?
You see, being a closeted athlete is hard, especially when you love cock as much as I do.
Man, I love cock. I love all kinds of cock. I love little white cocks, big black cocks, wrinkled old cocks, fresh young cocks, freckled cocks, hooded cocks, unhooded cocks, hairy cocks, shaved cocks, cocks that are semideflated after an orgasm, Indian cocks, pointy cocks, rigid cocks, Taiwanese cocks, curved cocks, straight cocks, clay cocks made in a pottery class, smelly cocks, glassy cocks, soapy cocks, etc. I love them all, and with an uncommon amount of zeal. And I’m surrounded by them every. Single. Day. (continued on next page)
Do you understand how hard that is? Imagine loving Chinese food, working in a Panda Express, and being unable to touch any of the orange chicken. It’s that kind of hell. Why should I have to hide my love of cock from the world? Cock is my passion. It’s the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about or suck before I go to bed. Yet I’m surrounded by this oppressive culture that constantly treats cocklovers as something evil or less than human.
Frankly, I think it’s just immaturity. If the fact that I dream of one day lining up a group of black and white male slaves to create a giant cock organ makes you uncomfortable, I say get over yourself. Grow up. _______ used to clip his toenails in the locker room. It was disgusting. But I held my tongue. You know why? Common courtesy. My love of cock should be treated the same way.
Alas, it probably never will. And that’s a shame. Imagine how much more confident, how much better I could be if I were simply allowed to be myself. Imagine how many gay athletes out there are being held back because a bunch of dipshit homophobes are too insecure to handle the idea of a gay teammate. We could win Super Bowls. Then I could have all the cock I wanted. That’s the way it should be. Hate the player. Don’t hate the gay.
I love me some football.
I love me some cock.
Why can’t I love me some both?
Deeply Penetrating the Numbers
1,032
An estimated 1,032 active professional athletes have had a homosexual encounter. Here’s a percentage breakdown of that number by sport:
Q: I play for the Browns and I absolutely cannot stand these drab uniforms. What’s a girl to do?
A: You just have to suck it up for now. Don’t be such a fag.
Chapter 4
They’re Like Bosses, Except They Like Hitting You
Coaches and Management
Because life wasn’t meant to be enjoyed: your guide to the average head coach.