RUSSIA. No doubt your hockey team paid one hefty sum to the Mafiya for your rights. Just remember: at any time, the Mafiya can tell your team, “Oh, sorry, the rights fees have doubled. In fact, they have tripled.” There really isn’t anything you can do about this. Just continue drinking your homemade potato vodka and pray they don’t come to claim their “prize.” At least your girlfriend is smokin’ hot.
JAPAN. Like Dominicans, there is no need for you to assimilate with your fellow American teammates. For one thing, you will be completely disgusted by their work ethic and complacent attitude toward life in general. So you won’t want anything to do with them. You’ll be surrounded by a cadre of eager young Japanese reporters ready to transcribe your every word. So go ahead and hang out with them. Together, you can discuss how America embodies the very antithesis of Japanese culture, which prizes hard work and loyalty above all else. Then you can hop on the Internet together and order all the necessary Japanese underage pornographic serial comics (for you) and ridiculous amounts of brand-name merchandise (for your twelve-year-old niece, Mayuko). When speaking through your interpreter, be sure to have your translated words sound exactly like the dialogue from Ran. And drop your last name. It’ll make you that much more mysterious, even though in reality you’re just an aloof dick.
AFRICA. The first thing you’ll notice about America is that most of the murdering here is performed by civilians and not the police (except in New York City). Be sure to adopt an American-sounding nickname that has nothing to do with your given name. Ndebe can become Sam in a snap. Many American fans and journalists will marvel over your polite demeanor and genuine kindness. Well, no shit. You just left the Sudan. People from the Sudan tend to perk up a bit when they get air-dropped into a kickass town like Chicago. Be sure to bring your white professor legal guardians to every event. Your American dad will be beyond psyched to have a pretend son who has the athletic ability to notch three sacks in a single game.
Many African athletes use the majority of their earnings to invest back into the destroyed areas of their homeland. Some, like Dikembe Mutombo, go back for months at a time to help build roads, hospitals, and more. These are athletes who know that you don’t help people simply with money or photo ops, but with lots of time and hard work. So when Bono asks you to talk about Africa at Coachella, tell him to go eat a bag of shit.
CHINA. There is only one prominent Chinese athlete playing in America today, and that is Yao Ming. But soon, China’s practice of selective breeding will pay off in spades. As part of this future wave of Chinese athletic and economic dominance, you’ll be counted on to bring glory to the Communist party. And to murder any Chinese girls under fifteen months old. This won’t be a problem, as in the future all Chinese people will be genetically engineered by the government to feel no human emotion. Fraternizing with your American teammates will be discouraged, and a very small tracking device will be inserted under your toenail so that the government can follow you at all times. Try not to think about this while masturbating.
No matter where you’re from, you should usually make a token effort to try to enjoy things that are uniquely American. Our athletes will pay you back by feigning interest in things from your home country. It’s all about trying to find common ground, failing, and then pretending that you succeeded for the media. In the end, you’ll own five hip-hop CDs you don’t like, and your American counterpart will discreetly head to the loo to throw up the shabu-shabu you prepared for him. And that’s what diplomacy is all about.
Clippable Motivational Slogan!
Deh haffe flugenblugen! Schnell! Weiss ausche! Nien mit schnitzengruben! Ich bin dingelhoffer! Scheisse! Tisheldecke!
— DIRK NOWITZKI
“I’m gay! After I retire!” Being a closeted athlete.
Even though an estimated 10 percent of the human population is homosexual, an astonishing 0 percent of athletes are gay. How are we to account for this amazing phenomenon? Could it be that pro athletes are so manly they don’t qualify for gayness? Possibly. I know I’ve never made love to one, despite many valiant attempts.
But a more realistic explanation is that there are many homosexual athletes out there who choose to keep their sexual orientation (direction: gay) hidden from teammates. If you’re afflicted with “the gay” and are unsure as to what to do about it, relax. This handy FAQ will answer all of your questions.
Q: How do I know I’m gay?
A: We all start off heterosexual, of course. But if your mother coddled you as a child, you’re well within the danger zone of becoming a gay little firecracker. Here are some early symptoms of gaiety:
? Bossiness
? Unreal level of self-absorption