"I don't want to kiss you ever again."
My hands are at each side of her shoulders, but she tries to duck under. I block her with my knee.
"I want to go to bed."
"You know how to make that happen."
Even though I feel waves of uncertainty rolling off her, Sawyer is too damn stubborn to admit her fear. Lifting her lips, she does her best to act indifferent.
I lower my lips and kiss her softly. We're years passed our first gawky kiss when I was lucky not to choke her with my tongue. I know her now. Know myself better too. I give her a tiny bit of heat, sucking slightly on her soft lips. My tongue wants to play too, but I keep myself under control.
Sawyer doesn't.
Her hands grip my hair, pulling me tighter. Her lips spread and her tongue searches for mine. I don't know where the kiss will lead or how far it might go, but we're interrupted by Zane's arrival home. Stepping away from her, I cup her face and caress her hungry lips with my thumb.
"You're the only woman I ever dream about," I whisper.
"We'll see."
I leave before Sawyer has a chance to find her courage again. My second chance is in reach, but I fear fucking it up. Sawyer is all I've ever wanted. Yet, I ran away before. I just pray I can keep myself from doing it again.
Chapter 23
Sawyer
Drive By
After his Harley roars away and the taillights disappear into the dark night, I think to take a shower and wash off the feel of our quickie in the closet. I even turn on the water and undress. Sitting on the toilet, I feel like crying, but I don't.
Fuck Jace!
My skin crawls with desire and the throbbing need between my legs nearly drives me insane. I know from experience how a cold shower won't do a thing to help. When I crave Jace, nothing less than his body will do.
Exercise helps. Sugar too. Booze is a real tonic. Yet they only distract from what I want.
Turning off the water, I accept I'm not ready to wash away the scent of him on my body. I wanted to fuck tonight, and I got fucked. No shame in enjoying Jace's body. No harm in finding pleasure after nine months alone.
Heading downstairs, I hope to run into the twins, but they're not in any of the normal places. While the house has a basement and several floors I haven't visited, I'm not in the mood to get lost searching for them.
I consider swimming laps or working out in the gym. Instead, I search for something sugary to eat in the kitchen. Settling on a quart of chocolate chip ice cream, I sit at the giant island and embrace the happiness found in empty calories.
I hear shuffling moving towards the kitchen. My time with the twins making me paranoid, I reach for my gun. JJ appears at the doorway with a rifle slung over his shoulder. He enters as if knowing I was there. Glancing around, I wonder for the millionth time if the place is rigged with cameras.
"Ice cream out of the container. Someone had a tough day."
Nodding, I take another scoop while he joins me at the island.
"Why are you down, kid?"
"A lot of little things, but I miss my dad mostly. With him around, everything made more sense."
"I was the youngest in the family too," JJ says, dipping his spoon into the ice cream container. "Not so much younger than the others like you, but my dad was more interested in being a father by the time I came along. He and I were close. Best friends in many ways. He lived here until he died the last time."
"The last time?"
"Died three times. First two times, he came back. Not as a zombie, of course. Trust me, we checked. It was as if he headed up to the pearly gates and decided he wasn't ready. That or they kicked his ass back down. Either way, he lived here until the end. His death was four years ago, and the house still feels empty even with so many people staying here."
"I still lived with my parents before moving here."
"Will your mom be okay alone?"
"She's not alone. She has my brothers and sister plus the grandkids. Lots of friends too."
"That's good. I was lonely after my dad died. In fact, I refused to let the kids leave. Even locked them in the padded room for a few days, so they wouldn't be too far out of my sight."
I think to ask about the padded room, and decide I'm too depressed to deal with more crazy.
"I guess I wanted things to stay the same after Pop died, but everyone moved on really fast. They all have things to do. Jobs and kids. My mom decided to go on a cruise. People get over death too fast."
"Or they pretend to get over it better than we do."
"Maybe."
We take turns scooping spoonfuls of ice cream. I know JJ isn't my dad, and I don't get a fatherly vibe off him. I do feel his grief. Even after all these years, he still misses his dad. Right or wrong, we share a need to hold on tightly to what we've lost.
"The Jace boy is yours, correct?"
"He used to be."
"It's difficult to want someone who doesn't want the same things."