"That's the hotel where I'll lose my virginity," she announces, gesturing at a hotel off the highway called the Love Hut. "They have heart-shaped beds. I want candles and the perfect romantic music. Probably George Strait, Charley Pride, and Johnny Lee. Yeah, we'll have the lights down low, and I'll wear something soft and virginal."
Sawyer stares at the back of Colbie's head as if listening to an insane. I want to laugh, but don't, of course. The twins might be dressed for a gala, but my mind wonders about all the blood on Zane's original tux.
"The first time, I'll be scared," Colbie explains, "but he'll take his time and reassure me with his tenderness. My first orgasm will be overwhelming, so he'll hold me until I feel safe. My second orgasm will empower me."
Sawyer covers her mouth to silence her laughter. I smile at her, keeping my mouth shut.
"It'll be magical. None of that squirting in my hair shit like Bodie."
"Good luck with that," her sister says. "I hope he gives you herpes."
Sawyer murmurs, "Good luck meeting your special guy who'll follow your lame script."
Colbie turns around to glare at Sawyer. "We can't all meet our special guys when we're in kindergarten, dumpling."
Sawyer glances up at me while I focus on Colbie turning back around to pay attention to the road.
"I thought I met my special man," she says, and I sense another story coming on. "His name is Darren. He's a rodeo man with big strong muscles, shiny blue eyes, and a long scar across his rock hard abs."
Bodie snorts. "Clearly, their relationship was based on some really deep shit."
Colbie cusses at her sister in a foreign language and sighs dramatically again. "We were circling each other, taking our time with the romance. I had just turned eighteen and was still so delicate."
Bodie bursts into laughter, and I can't control myself anymore. Sawyer doesn't help by giving into her rolling giggles. Once we laugh ourselves out, Colbie continues her story as if we hadn't mocked her at all.
"I might have waited too long. One drunken night, Darren lost control of his dick and stuck his sexy staff inside a pit of disease. Shanna's pussy is a mixture of every disease whores can have."
"I think I remember Shanna from when I first got here," Sawyer says, glancing down at where I've taken her hand in mine.
Bodie nods. "She's a friend of ours. Known her since first grade. While she's a nice enough gal, she's fucked everyone in the entire world. No doubt she's fucked the both of you, but you've forced yourself to block out the horrific memories."
Sawyer and I share a smile while Colbie returns to her story.
"She took advantage of Darren since no way would he chance his dick on a one night stand with Syphilis-zilla. Even though I know he didn't mean to ruin his penis and break my heart, I could never be with him. Not after he'd been corrupted like that," Colbie says then turns around to look at us. "Trust me, there's not enough bleach in the world to wash off her pussy Ebola."
Tapping the steering wheel to get her sister focused, Bodie adds, "Hookers working the streets for decades are cleaner than Shanna. In fact, I'm fairly sure she killed her dog after he drank from the toilet she used."
Sawyer and I burst into laughter again, but Colbie isn't amused. "She ruined my chance at love."
"If he was meant to be with you," Bodie says, "God never would have let Darren get drunk enough to bang Vagina C.H.U.D. and ruin his slong forever."
Sawyer laughs. "What's C.H.U.D.?"
"Don't tell me you've never seen the 1984 horror classic C.H.U.D., Sawyer Johansson." Bodie mutters.
"Of course not. I have taste."
Colbie speaks into her phone. "Memo to myself, make sure Sawyer sees C.H.U.D. before she dies."
Sawyer smiles at me, and I love seeing her so happy. The twins might be obnoxious at times, but they sure know how to set the mood.
The gala is a fundraiser held at a country club. I immediately feel out of place. Sawyer glances around the parking lot at all the dressed up people. Her gaze finds me, and we share a frown. Nearby, the twins check their weapons, and I'm surprised by how many they manage to hide in those outfits.
"You never know when the zombie apocalypse might happen," Colbie explains to me.
"Duh," Sawyer says, taking my arm and pulling me away from them. "If the zombies come, you'll save me, right? I mean, I'm wearing a frigging dress and heels. I've got first chick to die written all over me."
Pulling back my tux jacket, I reveal the Glock strapped inside. "No worries. I'll throw you over my shoulder and follow the twins to the safe zone."
Sawyer gives me a look that makes me a little hard and leaves me hoping something crazy goes down tonight.
Inside the ballroom, we're surrounded by old and new money. No one looks like the Johansson-type of new money though. The men wear cowboy hats and tuxedos. I see lots of gowns and fake boobs from the women. None of this interests me, but I'm impressed by the limitless food and free beer. Even a low-class fellow like me could get used to this gala crap.
Sawyer ditches me at the bar and makes the rounds with the twins. I enjoy a foreign beer to compare with my domestic. For the hell of it, I order a shot of fancy whiskey too.
"I'm going outside to breathe perfume-free air," Bodie says, returning alone.