“But you do want to keep for yourselves.”
Hollie looked at Matt and that was all the confirmation I needed.
“You can’t have them,” I told them. The girls looked scared and both clung to Matt and Hollie. “No,” I pointed at them, “you can’t have them, do you understand me? They’re mine. They’re mine and you can’t have them.”
I ran away from the table, straight for my car, and hopped inside. With shaking hands, I called Sylvia up.
“Sylvia,” I greeted, my voice trembling. “It’s Lily Hahn. I have to talk to you.”
“What’s wrong, baby?” she asked. “Are you safe?”
“Yes,” I said. “I met the girls for dinner and something happened.”
“What?”
“They told me they asked Hollie and Matt to be their mom and dad.” I didn’t hear a response. “Did you hear me?”
“I’m sorry. Yes, I did. I-I’m just not sure what to say.”
I felt my stomach sink. “You’re not making me feel better, Sylvia.”
She sighed. “I know. Listen, I know this is difficult. Let me assure you that you have not lost your sisters. You can fight for them.”
“I will fight for them.”
“But listen to me,” she hushed, “really think about what’s all at stake here.”
“What are you trying to say?” I demanded.
I had pulled out of the restaurant parking lot, not really knowing where I was going to go. My first instinct was to go to Salinger’s, but I couldn’t go there. I drove toward Ansen’s instead, knowing Katie would probably be there too.
“I’m just encouraging you to consider every option. Try to imagine what is truly best for your sisters. Try to comprehend a life where you are their sister and that is all.”
“No,” I demanded, through gritted teeth.
“Just—” she sighed again, “just mull it over, baby. Ask yourself the hard questions. Ask if their being with you is the absolute best thing for them. If you can answer yes, then we’ll both fight tooth and nail. B-but promise me you’ll rationally think it all through first.”
I was bawling at that point.
“Fine,” I said and hung up.
I turned onto Ansen’s street stopping short in front of his house. I got out, slammed my door behind me, and ran toward his door. When I reached it, I banged on it with a fist until my hand went numb.
A tired-looking Ansen threw the door open, looking pissed. “What the hell, Lily!” he said.
I threw myself into his arms. He didn’t question it, just held me while I cried into his T-shirt.
“What happened?” he asked eventually.
“Callie and Eloise want to stay with their foster family, Ansen.”
Ansen’s arms stilled around me. “What?”
I pulled away. “They asked them to be their mom and dad.”
Ansen walked backward until he met the arm of his dad’s chair and sat. “They actually asked them this themselves?”
I tried not to hyperventilate, so I steadied my breathing. “Yes,” I answered him.
“Why would they do that?” he asked me.
This wasn’t want I thought he would ask. It surprised me, shocked me, really.
“I don’t know. They’re confused. Brainwashed, maybe?”
Ansen cocked his head to the side, thinking. He didn’t look convinced by my theories.
“Stop it, Ansen. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He sighed. “I don’t know, Lily.”
“Bullshit. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
He shook his head. “I can’t tell you, Lil. Only you would be able to know how they’re actually doing, how they’re getting on with these people. What are their names?”
I sucked in a breath. “Hollie and Matt.”
“Are they nice people?” he asked me.
“I don’t know. I don’t know them.”
“From the little you’ve interacted with them, what are your impressions?”
I scrunched up my face, desperate to keep in control. “They’re nice.”
He nodded.
“But no one can love them as I love them,” I whispered.
He nodded again. “I don’t think anyone would doubt that, Lily.”
“I can’t lose them, Ansen.”
“I have a question for you. You’re not going to like it, but just bear with me.”
I steeled myself. “What?”
“Why can’t you lose them?”
I was dumbfounded. “What kind of question is that?”
“Is it because if you lost them, you feel as if you failed your mom?”
I started crying. “Stop.”
“Is it because if they stayed with Matt and Hollie you fear they’ll forget all about you?”
I cried harder. “Stop it, Ansen.”
“Is it because they’re your only link to your mom and you think if you aren’t their caretaker that you’ll lose that link?”
“Stop!” I demanded. “Stop!”
“Lily.”
I bawled into my hands. “Yes. Okay? Yes.”
“That’s okay.”
“No, it’s not, though, is it? That makes me just about the most selfish person in this world.”
“No,” he said with authority. “It absolutely does not. You love them. You love them with every fiber of your being. I can see that. Hell, everyone can see that. You quit drugs for them, Lily. You build your house up for them. You became a better person for them. You love them so much you think you’re the only one who can take care of them. They’re a part of the life you had before your mom died, and that life can’t be severed or you fear you’ll lose them too.”
“Yes. I’ll lose them.”
“Will you, though? Really think about that.”
“I don’t want to,” I cried into my hands and sank to the floor.
“Do Matt and Hollie seem like the type of people who would sever all ties with you? If that’s the truth, they must not love your sisters very much and then they’d be deemed unfit in all our eyes. So figure that out, kid. Figure out what the dynamic would be if they stayed with this family. Figure out what role you’d play in all of it. Make your decision from there.”
I slumped forward, my cheek on the carpet, then sat up. “This isn’t the life I thought I’d have,” I cried.
“What kind of life did you think you were going to have, Lily?”
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
THE NEXT DAY I cashed my cashier’s check, got another to pay off the roofer, another to pay the floor guy who’d come out to assess the damage, and one more to pay Salinger back for all the work he’d done for me. The rest I put in the bank, save for two thousand to pay for a few pieces of furniture, including a new living set. One that didn’t smell like smoke, was covered in stains, or had duct tape holding it together.
I called Casey up and told him I needed the week off. He told me it wouldn’t be a problem, so I stayed home and did exactly as Sylvia asked me. I pondered a life where my sisters were in a family with proper parents. I imagined what it would mean for me, for them.
I called Hollie several times. She was grateful I called her. She explained to me how much she and Matt had fallen in love with my sisters, how they wanted me to know this, how important it was to them that I knew that, despite my being of age, that I was welcome in their family as well, to come and go as I pleased, to visit, to spend holidays with, to rely on implicitly.
I thanked her and told her I’d think about it.
The floor guys came and went, replaced all the rotten wood, which was plenty, and replaced them with new subfloor and planks.
On Friday night, I sat in my quiet home contemplating what all I’d accomplished, with the unreal help from a certain boy who I’d thought of as much as my sisters and the greatest game I’d ever played.
I missed playing with him. I missed him.
The next Sunday, I had the girls and Hollie and Matt over. I’d made dinner for them and wanted them to see what I’d accomplished for them, even if they wouldn’t be living there with me.
“What do you think?” I asked the girls.
They ran around the house, screaming, and pointing at all the new furniture and plants, the painted walls, the new tile and updated kitchen, the new fence and mowed lawn. They couldn’t believe what I’d done. Even Hollie and Matt, who never really saw what the old house had looked like, told me they were impressed with what I was able to accomplish when I explained all the work I’d done.